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Critical Analysis #1
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John Foulstone
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100
Australia

0 posted 2000-01-07 10:08 AM


Incredible. A simple note she sent
Let loose old dreams that once had guided me:
Old dreams, remembered with uncertainty,
Vain hopes that in the end life somehow meant
Even more than this peace and lone content.
Yearning again, the hunger tearing free
Of brittle chains, I stagger blind and plead
Undying love. And on the madness went ...

Catch your breath. Too many times you thought
A dream was real, but in the morning light
So many dreams fell through your empty hands.
Still fools ignore the painful lessons taught
In life, and rush to grasp some new delight,
Either in fancy, or some far-off land.


 It's never too late to have a happy childhood ...

© Copyright 2000 John Foulstone - All Rights Reserved
warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

1 posted 2000-01-07 10:51 AM


Hello John,
I don't know if this was just written, but if it was, it sounds like you are experiencing some doubts about your journey in the spring. Look to your quote...there is always hope, and if you never took the chance, then you couldn't ever find what you are looking for. Nothing is certain in life,
but we can't give up on taking those chances.
Your poem is an excellent example of the emotions behind "cold feet". Your choice of words, excellent, as usual, evoke those feelings and emotions perfectly. Nice work, John, but I hope this isn't how you truly feel.

warmhrt

jenni
Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478
Washington D.C.
2 posted 2000-01-07 12:56 PM


john--

what a wonderful piece!  i see it as a kind of "dialouge between my heart and head", lol.  your "heart" is stirred by something you maybe thought would never happen again, love has found its way to you again, and you dream again... remembering of course, what happened the last time, when you let yourself dream these same dreams, and well... it didn't quite turn out the way it was meant to, in the dream.  still, now, today, with her note in your hand, the dream is back.

BUT... says your "head"... watch it.  i love the switch here to the second person, "catch YOUR breath."  you know what they say about people who talk to themselves, don't you john?  lol    

i really enjoyed this piece.  you've captured that giddy, precarious, frightening moment when a relationship begins, or might begin... even if we don't travel to some far-off land to begin it.

thanks for the read!

jenni

[This message has been edited by jenni (edited 01-07-2000).]

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 2000-01-07 02:54 PM


John:

Sonnet fever has spread down under, I see! Petrarchan rhyme scheme, and an acrostic I think Cassie will like very much (I'm perceptive for a Yank).  

Structurally, the only problems I see are with your meter ... the iambic pentameter breaks down in some places.  In Line 2 I read the last word, "me", as unstressed.  Lines 5 & 6 begin with a stressed syllables ("EV-en" and "YEARN-ing").  Line 9 seems to be missing a syllable and Line 14 begins with a stressed syllable.  "Plead" is a near rhyme to "me", "uncertainty" and "free" but that is not something that bothers me much at all (if Shakespeare can do it ...).

That said (and I had to keep that brief because I couldn't wait any longer), the great strength of your poem, I think, is in your final stanza.  This is an incredibly well thought out resolution.  

"... Too many times you thought
A dream was real, but in the morning light
So many dreams fell through your empty hands.
Still fools ignore the painful lessons taught
In life, and rush to grasp some new delight,
Either in fancy, or some far-off land."

This is brilliantly worded.  For some reason, to me, the first stanza didn't seem to flow as well as the second.  The flow of your resolution, combined with fine wording and almost perfect meter, allows your conclusion to pack a punch.  Nice work.


 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


John Foulstone
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100
Australia
4 posted 2000-01-07 10:43 PM


Warmheart, this is what happens when you write a poem in two pieces. It started off with just the six lines that spell C/A/S/S/I/E on December 27. Feelings grew, and on January 3, next eight lines were written, spelling .. gee, you work it out! I think this might clarify it a bit for you too, jenni. The head will just have to take a back seat, no matter what it thinks. And Jim, bless you, perceptive Yank, for seeing the message in the first letters. It's not something I've done often (too damn hard), but I always look for it. Never know, there might be some other fools out there. So the last bit was written by the head, and the first bit added by the heart, which might explain the uneveness. And in Spring we'll be camping in Chaco Canyon ....


warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

5 posted 2000-01-08 12:03 PM


Geez! Do I feel like I'm riding the obtuse express!  Glad it wasn't what I thought, and everything's all right. No cold feet.
Now that I've had it explained to me, I can see what a great job you've done with this...really great job, John.

warmhrt

roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
6 posted 2000-01-09 12:47 PM


john-
this is a good poem, but i want to tell you not to let the second stanza over ride the first.  listen to your heart (how cliche, but in your case true!).  and you really do write a lovely verse, which i think will please cassie a great deal.  again good luck.
jim, thanks for pointing out that it's an acrostic.  

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
7 posted 2000-01-11 05:51 PM


Is this the same Cassie?  You have a strong flow going here and the first line of the second stanza works very well but ultimately you've let generalization take over your poem (perhaps on purpose: an ambiguity between paternal(?) and romantic love?). You've used the word 'dream(s)' four times in the poem -- seems a bit repetitive to me and furthermore you never exactly explain what that dream is.  The reader, or at least I guessed, that it had something to do with the renewal of a romantic moment between two people but then you have doubts.  I would prefer a little more situation here. Tell us why there's a distance at all.  Tell us what the note actually says or was is a singing note?  I would also argue that you've entered into the dreaded world of hyperbole with chains and peace and contentment.  A bit too much for me.

Finally, I don't much believe in the heart versus head thing; they're the same thing.  Seems to me you just wrote the poem in two different moods.

Just an opinion,
Brad

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