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To Trust Again
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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To Trust Again |
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simplyYRREHS Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 162 |
A deception that plagues in it's deepest form, enveloping a heart so pure. Every waking breath seems obscure because of mistrust that was born. Inane seems the pain after a while to settle. My foundations begin to crumble. Struggling to surface for air, as I tumble from the safety of my pedestal. Slowly the element creeps in like a shrew and knocks on the heart, once hardened. It begs to release my protective shield and it's purpose for me to construe. Hesitating for an eternity, I offer a last pardon. To an uncertain love, again, I yeild. [This message has been edited by simplyYRREHS (edited 01-06-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Sherry - All Rights Reserved | |||
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Sherry, I enjoyed the thought flow, and many of the images evoked, though the construction left me quite confused. Initially, I thought you were trying for a sonnet, given the a/b/b/a rhyme pattern in the first two quatrains, and a iambic pentameter here and there. Nope, only thirteen lines. And finishes with a final a/b/a/b quatrain. Poor "shrew" seems an only child, somehow orphaned. And while I love your last line, the fifth line is, forgive me, simply awful. I see three options - ditch the rhyme and go for free verse; work it into a sonnet, hard, but rewarding; or cut it back to three rhyming quatrains. Please grab your chisel: the gem is worth it. |
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simplyYRREHS Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 162 |
John, Thanks for the pointers. I'm guessing you were slicing my piece as I was editing. Yes, was going for a sonnet, inspired by JB's recent repost. I will sit and chew on my product a while...meanwhile, thoroughly enjoying this new found forum! What passions it brings out in those who dare to enter. Think I've found my new addiction for the time being!  sherry |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Sherry: Inspired by my repost? That's an honor. And proof that this Forum is working (I've gone from being Brad's punching bag to inspiring someone else to write a poem in just a few months ... I AM honored)! Sonnets are very exacting and rigid in their structure. That is what makes them so challenging to write. Making them sound natural is the most difficult task before the sonnet writer. Okay ... Sonnets 101. There are three main types: Shakespearean, Spenserian, and Petrarchan/Italian. They are all 14 lines long and are written in iambic pentameter (five iambic feet, da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM). Some poets vary the beats per line and this is okay for some people. When just starting out I find it best to try to adhere to the rules as closely as possible. Once you understand them and can follow them, then you can break them. Just my opinion, though. They rhyme schemes for the different sonnets are as follows: Shakespearean -- abab/cdcd/efef/gg Spenserian -- abab/bcbc/cdcd/ee Petrarchan/Italian -- abbaabba/cdecde (usually) In all of the sonnets there is usually a thematic turn or a move toward a resolution of a problem or crisis after Line 8. The Shakespearean and the Spenserian should resolve its conflict in its couplet (referred to by some as a punch) while the Petrarchan/Italian affords more time for resolution in its concluding sestet (six lines). And there you have it ... the reason why so many people love AND hate writing sonnets. Once you start, however, I warn you ... you will be addicted! Considering that I suspect you developed your format based on looking at the one I used in my post, I am impressed and think your sonnet is very workable. Your rhyme scheme appears to be: abbacddc/efgefg ... an almost Petrarchan/Italian. Your meter and beats per line is sporadic throughout your poem but little tweaks here and there remedy that easily enough. For example: "A deception that plagues in it's deepest form, enveloping a heart so pure." "A de- / CEP-tion / that PLAGUES / in it's / DEEP-est / FORM en-VEL / -op-ing / a HEART / so PURE" to "Deception in it's deepest, darkest form Envelopes, plagues a heart so truly pure" "de-CEP- / -tion IN / it's DEEP- / -est DARK- / -est FORM" en-VEL / -opes, PLAGUES / a HEART / so TRU- / -ly PURE" These are only suggestions, of course. I am only intending to show you how very workable this sonnet is. I hope that I have been of some help. I love sonnets almost as much as I can't stand Ricky Martin and I probably need to join some twelve-step program to deal with my addiction. Again, I am honored that you were inspired to write this after reading mine. I'm amazed that you were able to write it so quickly and I am very impressed with your first shot. Keep writing them. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-06-2000).] |
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