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jaxjoy
Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112
Texas

0 posted 2000-01-06 12:10 PM



If God could say how long my heart will ache,
I'd pray for mercy, pray that I forget;
Although the joy you brought I'll not forsake,
I wish at night our eyes had never met.
Will God appease my heart and dry my tears?
Or will he sentence me until my death
To vacant blinding thoughts of yesteryears,
To love a man who brought me life and breath?
I scream to force this breath, this pain away;
Perhaps the air that brings you life was mine.
No air to breathe, this is my final day,
Farewell, my love who disappeared with time
And know I loved you past the point of light,
To God I pray, as softly goes this night.

I hope this is a sonnet, I am trying.  Shakesperian, I think.  



[This message has been edited by jaxjoy (edited 01-06-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Jacqueline Vachier - All Rights Reserved
Not A Poet
Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885
Oklahoma, USA
1 posted 2000-01-06 10:10 AM


This is a Shakesperian sonnet. To me the rhyme, meter and format are right on. (Some may complain about the near rhyme of mine/time on lines 10/12 but they are close and this is so commonly done that I don't have a problem with it.) The content, or context, is also very good and appropriate. I liked it very much and sonnets are probably my favorite.

I have a couple of comments, however. Usually each quatrain of a sonnet forms a thought and yours do just that. I don't know how important it is but so many periods imbedded within quatrains causes me some flow problems. At first reading I tended to see the end of the thought at the period and before the end of the quatrain. I had to think about what was being said in order to read it right. Now I know you want your readers to think about your content but the reason is so they will appreciate the content, not stumble over the flow. The rhythm and flow should come as naturally as possible. If most of these were semicolons or even commas, I would find it easier to read. I hope I haven't gone on and on about a really minor problem.

Finally and probably just because I'm a little old fashioned (well maybe a lot but I do come by it honestly), I like to see each line begin with upper case. Certainly Mr. Shakespeare would have done it that way.

Thanks for letting me comment on this very well written and enjoyable sonnet.


 Pete

jaxjoy
Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112
Texas
2 posted 2000-01-06 10:25 AM


Thanks for your critique, I appreciate your thoughts.  I think my sonnet is a little choppy sounding also, but I think thats because its all new to me, so I struggle with the meter etc.  Perhaps in time, they will begin to flow and be more like an eased conversation. Capitalize every line? Even when two lines are one sentence? hmm..In the immortal words of Ed McMahon.."I did not know that"   haha sorry.  Thanks again!
John Foulstone
Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100
Australia
3 posted 2000-01-06 10:28 AM


Done good, Jaxjoy. Meter and rhyme perfect. Re Not's comments, the only place it broke for me was in the first three lines of the last quatrain, where you had each line ending with a period. Small blemish on an otherwise lovely piece.

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