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My Inspiration
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My Inspiration |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Yet another attempt at a sonnet, with the title corrected. My Inspiration Just how can I presume to pen these sonnets? I've never known the gift to write of love; Instead I should leave poems to the poets, Those blessed with special talent from above. You know you are my inspiration, Dear; To see you, know you, love you is enchanting; These words just seem to flow forth when I hear You say you love my humble love song writing. My goddess and my inspiration, Dear: For beauty of your face, your breasts and hips, That silken hair, the smile for me you wear, Soft hands and sexy voice, those pouting lips And captivating charm inspire my mission To write these words of love for you, my passion. < !signature--> Pete [This message has been edited by Not A Poet (edited 01-05-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Pete Rawlings - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: I know you know the rules of the sonnet game so I am not going to rehash them. I actually like the unstressed extra syllable at the end of 1, 3, 6, 8, 13 & 14. I could tell that it was intentional, not accidental, and it did not (in my opinion) detract from the poem. What was most remarkable to me about this one (and this brought a smile to my face) was the depth of feeling for your (I'm assuming) wife. It is more noticeable in this sonnet than in your previous sonnets. Perhaps because the flow in this one is so natural. This was very well written, Pete, and I have very little negative criticism to offer. The only thing I don't like about your sonnet is the title ... it immediately brings Peter Cetera's (Chicago 17) tenor voice to mind. Your sonnet is a much better read than the lyrics of that song, by the way. This is not to say that I want you to sing it to me, mind you.  < !signature-->Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-05-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Sorry Jim, I didn't realize I had picked a song as my title.  I will try to change the title to just "My Inspiration" if the system will let me. I hope this is better and it doesn't seem to hurt the piece to me.Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pete: I think the song is actually "You're the Inspiration" or something like that. Your new title works great. Jim |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i think your sonnets are progressively getting better. My goddess and my inspiration, Dear: this line i don't really care for, only because it is awkward. since this line ends a stanza, it is difficult to understand the flow here. Just how can I presume to pen these sonnets? I've never known the gift to write of love; Instead I should leave poems to the poets, Those blessed with special talent from above. as you can see, this stanza seems to conclude a complete thought, while throughout the rest of the piece, your stanzas do not. the rhyme of "love" and "above" seems a little like something you did more to be true to the sonnet than something you actually wanted. pete, don't let the sonnet write you, you write the sonnet!!  And captivating charm inspire my mission To write these words of love for you, my passion this couplet is nice, even without the rhyme. it's a sweet, sentimental one, and i like it a lot. my only problem here is that again you didn't conclude your thought in the above paragraph. overall, i like this sonnet. you are continuing to improve, and it certainly shows. |
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