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Critical Analysis #1
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J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama

0 posted 2000-01-03 10:13 PM


Underneath the ceiling,
Shaken, ripped, and bleeding,
By rooftop dreamers' screaming,
He lay alone with sleepless thoughts of leaving.

Bullets of thoughts of freedom,
Crashed through this king's kingdom,
He saw visions of roads to be on,
And felt the need to need home.

He wanted to feel the blacktop winding,
Taste the burn of the white lines lining,
Feel the light of daylight shining,
After all night nights of driving.

Across the endless plains stretched before him,
Which are riddled with Heavenly sins,
Constructed by velvet black hearts,
And vagrant vampire grins.




[This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-04-2000).]

© Copyright 2000 Jason L. Humphres - All Rights Reserved
Hawk183
Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130

1 posted 2000-01-03 10:42 PM


JL,

This is great!!! The imagery and flow, not to mention the theme, are all wonderfuly done.
I really enjoyed the reading of this poem and I am looking forward to future post. Good Work!

J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
2 posted 2000-01-03 11:00 PM


Thanks Hawk. This is a first for me.
Tim Gouldthorp
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170

3 posted 2000-01-03 11:13 PM


I liked the imagery, dark and mysterious, especially "bullets of freedom" and "vagrant vampire grinning."  A few suggestions, for what its worth. Firstly,  the second line in the last stanza seems to me redundant and disrupts the flow, the "endless plains" of the 1st line expresses the idea well enough alone.  Also, the idea of "needing to need a home" seems at odds with the general idea of the poem.  So too with "kings kingdom."  Maybe consider changing ceilings to ceiling.  Other than that great!

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

4 posted 2000-01-03 11:45 PM


Welcome to CA, JL,
I really identified with this poem. It drew me in from the start. The way I escape the world and it's stressors is to drive...look for open roads and just go, or tackle a narrow, winding road...driving soothes me, even though I may not know what lies ahead.
Great piece.

warmhrt

Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
5 posted 2000-01-04 08:56 AM


Hello,

"Underneath the ceilings,
Shaken, ripped, and bleeding,
By rooftop dreamers' screaming,
He lay alone with sleepless thoughts of leaving."

Excellent first stanza.

"Bullets of thoughts of freedom,
Crashed through this king's kingdom,
He saw visions of roads to be on,
And felt the need to need home."

Consider changing "thoughts" to another word in either this stanza or the previous one....there's only four words seperating them and two of them are also the same, "of". I also agree with Tim about the "need" line but I did like the "kingdom" line.

"He wanted to feel the blacktop winding,
Taste the burn of the white lines lining,
Feel the light of daylight shining,
After all night nights of driving."

Loved the first two lines of this stanza but then found the repetition of words in the last two lines unnecessary and distracting.

"Across the endless plains stretched before him,
Going on and on without end,
Which are riddled with Heavenly sins,
Constructed by velvet black hearts,
And vagrant vampire grins."

I didn't quite understand the ending nor the analogies presented here....at least not the last two lines. I'm interpreting this stanza as meaning he wanted to explore the "devilish" side of himself....but I still don't see how "velvet black hearts" or "vagrant vampire grins" fit in. Be careful not to throw in something that just sounds good. Look at the lines on their own,
"Constructed by velvet black hearts", personally I can't find any definition to it at all when put into any situation other than arts and crafts (not meant as an insult).
"and vagrant vampire grins", I guess you could use this line if you were talking about the mysticism, etc. but I didn't get the impression that you were trying to convey a mystic type of feel. Also the meaning of this line...homeless vampire grins...doesn't make sense to me....just my opinion...hope it didn't come off as too harsh.
All in all I still enjoyed the poem. I thought the flow was wonderful and up until the end the story was great.

Thanks for the read, take care
Trevor  



J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
6 posted 2000-01-04 09:57 AM


  Thanks for the advice, and taking the time to read. I agree about the ceiling(s),and the second line of the last stanza. The repitition of words however, I feel, creates a certain urgency; a cluttering of the psyche if you will. It was not accidental.

  The imagery in the last stanza is the product of a lot of thought, not just added to sound good. The reference to the "vampire
grins" is meant to be symbolic of the spirit of strangers cohorting with one another. Friendly enough, but not trusting.

 We all go a little mad sometimes...
--Alfred Hitchcock

J.L. Humphres
Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201
Alabama
7 posted 2000-01-04 09:59 AM


  

  

[This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-04-2000).]

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