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Indian Illusion
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Indian Illusion |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Silent surges, pounding urges, plain was the fate she was dealt, holy men with scaled skin, she found nothing but a hole. Windy hills,silent chills, the desert echoes voices gone, faith in the absence of God, she found nothing but a hole. Faded saddles,bloody battles, she enters life unknown, lost in prayer to none who care, she found nothing but a hole. Tempered pain,endless rain, the nights promise of a rising sun, will the tables ever turn, she found nothing but a hole. Screaming voices, broken horses, life has ceased to mean a thing, and families fall to endless men, she found nothing but a hole. Impending death, gasping breath, she fears the great divide, but He does again hold her high, and finaly she finds nothing but a whole. < !signature--> [This message has been edited by Hawk183 (edited 01-05-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Ryan Whittington - All Rights Reserved | |||
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Loved the feel and imagery. Put me in mind of an old song by Joan Baez called "Useful Girl". Very strong internal rhyming within each first line, works for me. Interesting partial rhyme of lines 2 & 3 in each stanza except first and third; perhaps worth maintaining? On further examination, I find these two stanzas both have internal rhyme in third line, partial in first stanza, and full in the third. Must admit, I really like the sound of the third stanza. What I don't like is the line "she found nothing but a hole", repeating at the end of each stanza and resolving with a neat variation at the end. The repetetion is OK, the resolution is good. I just don't like the words. Subjective? Sure. Why? Don't really know. Just feels wrong to me, though I understand you mean. Maybe it's just that "she" and "hole" are not elegant partners. So, I've had my pick. But I like it. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hawk, This is a great poem...lots of feeling, and imagery. The first three lines of the five stanzas before the ending one are wonderful, imparting a mood so very elegiac. I agree with John, however, about the fourth repeated line. How about "she found nothing but a void?" I know you were using wordplay with "hole" and "whole", but I don't think you'd be sacrificing too much by changing it. All-in-all, it's an excellent piece of work, Hawk. warmhrt |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Thank you both for the reading and, though I hate to admit it  , I have to agree with you about the last line of the first four stanzas....When I started the repetition is was to imply the literal...finding a grave...but then the the mood seemed to transend the "Indian Massacre" theme and become a more metaphorical satement of humanity....I think I will change it...Thanks a "hole" lot. |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
I really liked the music created by the ryhmes in the first line of each stanza. I also liked the sound and repetition of the final line, even if you change the words. Maybe just alter the middle two lines slightly in a few places and the flow of the words will be perfect. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hawk: I really enjoyed this. One suggestion though relating to meter. Your first line "Silent surges, pounding urges" is metered "SI-lent/SURG-es/POUND-ing/URG-es" ... four trochaic feet (see Brad's explanation in Philosophy 101 under my recent post on meter if you need more information). The effect, for me, is like a drum cadence. If you could maintain this meter throughout the poem I think it would improve the "pounding effect" that the first lines of each stanza (the last one excluded) seem to provoke. I actually like "she found nothing but a hole" being repeated throughout. I don't mind "whole" being used as a variant of the end word of the last line of the preceding stanzas but "nothing but a ..." doesn't seem to work with "whole". Just my opinion. Thanks for the rousing read.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Hawk, I just can't stand it anymore! Could you please fix the typo "Indain"? Ta. |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Tahnk you all for the suggestions...this really is a wonderful way to learn. John...I myself did not catch the typo until you mentioned it...thanks. Jim...I will try several new variations with the meter you suggested, and I would like to get your opinion on them sometime in future postings...thanks a bunch. Hawk |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I was kind of blunt on one your pieces and just thought I'd say I like this one much better. I like the repetition in the last line of the stanzas (although I did think the hole/whole thing was a bit too cute) it gathers power as you read further. I also like the internal line in the first line. Somehow, for me, it creates a sense of forboding that I really like. Very nice imagery in the earlier stanzas. About the only thing I might add from what has already been mentioned is you might consider tightening up the whole piece and maybe drop a stanza or two to increase the impact of the image itself. Thanks, Brad |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
brad??? blunt?? (scoff, scoff), i can't imagine.... about your poem, i had mixed emotions. reading it at first, i thought it could've been a lot shorter, but the lines that saved it for me were: Faded saddles,bloody battles, she enters life unknown, lost in prayer to none who care, she found nothing but a hole. this is excellent, although i don't care for the "faded saddles" part. this implies that she prays to someone who doesn't care, but then we get at the end: but He does again hold her high, and finaly she finds nothing but a whole. i use the capitilized "He" to mean someone held in high regard, almost idolized, but most use it as the religous thing. i infer that this is what you are doing. am i right? in that case, how come the "He" now listens to her? then i had a horrible fear penetrate my mind: is this a poem about missionaries helping native americans find jesus???? i think not, but i've been on edge since friday, when in class we were having a debate over imperialism and of course a pretty blonde cheerleader stands up and says "if we didn't imperialize them, they would not even know that jesus christ died for their sins!!" at that point, i couldn't take her seriously. she went on about how their religion was "primitive". scary. anyways back to the poem, i have to wonder about this part. please explain. the repition isn't so bad, except, in some places, it doesn't fit. Tempered pain,endless rain, the nights promise of a rising sun, will the tables ever turn, she found nothing but a hole. this stanza doesn't even need the last line. oh one more thing: if your poem is about missionaries, that's of course fine, but i was just curious as to what it is about. thanks |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
Roxane... The literal meaning of this poem has to do with the attempt to create Christians out of the Native Americans...however...the last stanza is not written to mean that woman(at long last cried the white man)finds Jesus Christ...the "He" is whatever "He" was for her. I can see how this could be misleading with the line about her praying to "none who care"...quite honestly that was an oversight on my part. The "pray" is actually meant to be begs of mercy to her out-of-town teachers. I am glad, though you may have been hoping you were wrong, that you found the "missionary" theme of this poem. Tahnks for the critique. If anything,I was hoping to say that it didn't matter, that in the end, we'll all be held high...and no particular deity will neccisarily fit the description. Hawk |
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