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Now I See (Illusions Of Sincerity)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Now I See (Illusions Of Sincerity) |
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SownReality New Member
since 2000-01-02
Posts 3Southern CA, USA |
Now I See (Illusions Of Sincerity) At First Sight Remarkable Beauty Thoughts Of Bliss Possible Passion Intense Hormones Throughout Ultimate Confusion Searing Heat Shallow Embraces Delivered Reality False Path To Ecstasy Plagiarized Introspection Open Doors Revealed As Closed Spoken Words Denied Expressions Actions Justified With Ignorance Denial Of Betrayal Premature Closure Trivial Acts To Hide Age Induced Insecurity Lost Tranquility Of Friendship Now I See It For What It Was Human Ignorance. === SownReality [This message has been edited by SownReality (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 Michael Lee Breyette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
Very interesting, almost every line could be a Title in the Book of Life. |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
I have to agree with the above...I like the fact that it is all summed up here...this may sound rather trivial, but I would maybe consider changing the font to something a bit simpler...I had to kinda strain my eyes a bit to read it. |
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SownReality New Member
since 2000-01-02
Posts 3Southern CA, USA |
I changed the font to something easier to read. I agree that the other font caused unneccesary eye strain. Thanx for the comments! === SownReality |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Welcome to CA. Now I hope my critique won't sound harsh but rather just an honest expression of my opinions towards a poem (and not the author). I found your poem to be too vague and lacking in any descriptions. Septsong had said, "Very interesting, almost every line could be a Title in the Book of Life. ", which is precisely why I didn't find this poem "worked". Personally when I read a book I don't want to summarize what I think every chapter is about by just reading the index. I like to read why things are titled the way they are. A good excercise to help with embelishment is to question each line and ask yourself "Have I given the reader enough insight into my thoughts? Have I painted a complete enough picture?" " At First Sight Remarkable Beauty Thoughts Of Bliss Possible Passion" What is remarkable beauty? What are thoughts of bliss? Beauty, bliss and passion aren't very descriptive and for the majority of the time they should be used for subject of descriptions rather than as descriptions themselves, ie. "Her passion was like....", "She was as beautiful as...". Just my opinion. "Intense Hormones Throughout Ultimate Confusion Searing Heat Shallow Embraces" Are the intense hormones a mental feeling or physical feeling? Searing heat...mentally or physically heated?, ie. Was she above the normal temp. for humans or was she just flushed and heated with ideas? Shallow Embraces...once again do you mean a physical shallow or a mental shallow? I found almost every line in this poem left me questioning. Was this poem about a specific encounter? or just a generalization on a certain type of relationship? It seemed to me as the outline of a longterm relationship yet it jumped almost from the first meeting to the break up. Perhaps consider elaborating on the whole thing and make it more of a personal poem. On a good note, I did like the idea behind it, the "illusion of sincerity" within a "normal" relationship. Anyways that's my whole take on things....just an opinion. Hope it didn't come off as harsh, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
SownReality: Though it pains me to do so, I am going to have to side with Trevor on this one. The voyeur in me wants to know more. I want to know what was so special about this experience and revelation (at the end) that prompted you to write this. Question (just noticed this): Was the first four lines' spelling out "A-I-D-S" purposeful or just a coincidence? If it was done on purpose then I think your generalizations are justifiable. Kinda adds a rabbit punch to the poem (didn't see it coming). Just my opinion, though. I like this font better, by the way. Much better. Thanks for the read.< !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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