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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
scanning the pages of the newspaper all the "good ones" were published with a little credit by the article concerning one's favorite movie of all time where's mine? the paper lay on my cluttered desk while i anxiously awaiting this day for so long slumped over in disappointment so every student needs a stint of depression and isolation and every great writer was once turned down (and every bad one the same) take a walk through the neighborhood christmas trees and sewage pepper the air. in my pajama top and torn jeans i make my way through the grey and brown snow a lot of famous people start off in poverty maybe me? or maybe like everyone else i'm just waiting and waiting down to the waffle house, stale cigarette in hand a table, an ashtray, again the newspaper where i dubiously look again must be a misprint i wait as the dusk turns the white sky to tan cold coffee, and wet napkins, i ask "what's the special today?" amy, her name tag implies, "waffles..." sarcastically all white trash was at one point thrown away before it was ever that and when amy stoops to refill my coffee in her glassy eyes i see, not only the newspaper, but also me "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 2000 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Rodeo Jones Junior Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 18San Jose, CA, USA |
Let me start out by saying that I really liked the feel of this poem, it gives me a very nice sense of reality. It has no specific rhyme scheme or meter, and kinda gives me the impression of something meant to be spoken by the author, rather than read as a poem. I think the biggest problem with this poem is that you stray from the main focus. Of your 32 lines, the first 12 all hold together very nicely for me. Then the next four lines are description take a walk through the neighborhood christmas trees and sewage pepper the air. in my pajama top and torn jeans i make my way through the grey and brown snow I'm really torn here as to whether the description should be there. I deeply enjoy the description, and I think it gives the poem a lot of flavor, but I'm not sure if it dilutes your point a bit. Pressing on... I love how your description flows from general to specific in such a smooth manner a lot of famous people start off in poverty maybe me? or maybe like everyone else i'm just waiting and waiting down to the waffle house, stale cigarette in hand a table, an ashtray, again the newspaper And you bring your description back to the newspaper from the beginning. This is cool, but I've kinda lost your focus here. Obviously, you're still describing how your article wasn't published. But I don't get a sense of whether or not it's in the paper. where i dubiously look again must be a misprint I'm pretty dense with these things, so I don't know if it's in there or not. And then you continue with description of the white trash waffle house, which again, I really enjoy. BUT then you get back to the paper again at the end... in her glassy eyes i see, not only the newspaper, but also me And I feel the power in this line...but I don't get it. Since we're probably not talking about Amy and her waffles, I'm thinking this line connects the narrator and the paper again. I just don't know if her article WAS published, or if one WILL BE published, or what. Like I said, I'm dense with these things, but I figure if you can get me to understand, you've got a pretty nice, down to Earth poem. Also, I love your description, and I'd really like to see a poem like this describing a setting. "all white trash was at one point thrown away" I love that line  "Where is fancy bread, in the heart, or in the head?" |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
From "down to the waffle house" it's stunning stuff. Strong impact and feel. Reckon some compacting of the prior, lessening the clutter, would be of benefit. Sometimes, even if understanding is not complete, the feelings are. Thanks. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Roxanne: Saw your post this weekend but limited time online, working on my double sestina for Nan's class, (excuse, excuse, excuse, etc., etc., etc.). I must say I really enjoyed this. Free-verse is not my forte but I understand that one thing that distinguishes poetry from prose is that poetry "shows" and prose "tells". Your poem paints a remarkable picture of loneliness, depression, and a hope that struggles to hang on for dear life. "in my pajama top and torn jeans i make my way through the grey and brown snow", "i wait as the dusk turns the white sky to tan cold coffee, and wet napkins, i ask 'what's the special today?'", and "all white trash was at one point thrown away before it was ever that" These are all great lines. My one suggestion (since this is CA) would be to modify your format a little bit to make this a little easier to read. The visual appeal of the lines doesn't do justice to the content of the poem. Just my opinion, though. Take care and thanks for a good read. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
I usually hesitate to comment on free verse because I simply don't understand it (a personal problem I've been told). I don't mind saying when I enjoy one though and I did like this one. Jim, where do you come up with these jewels "poetry shows and prose tells"? Man you should have been a poet. Please bear with me as I struggle with the lower case and no punctuation thing. Then I notice that you began to add punctuation in the later lines. That being the case, I think a little in the early lines would make it a little easier to read (for me anyway and for what that's worth). The most obvious example is these lines: the paper lay on my cluttered desk while i, anxiously awaiting this day for so long, slumped over in disappointment so every student needs a stint The commas really help me and I might even consider a semicolon after disappointment but maybe not. Of course this is just my opinion and I freely admit that I cannot write free verse. Thanks. Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hi again Roxanne. The lower case thing, I realize, is a signature of sorts for you. At first I found it distracting but I've gotten used to it. Pete raises a good point about punctuation. In your case, I would only use it where needed. Your style and ability with line breaks often allows your poetry to work without punctuation well enough. Just my opinion, though. Pete: I'll email you my poetic knowledge resource (re: the "jewel", "poetry shows, prose tells") ... Trying to stay one step ahead of Philip (aka Poertree), you understand, and he is nipping at my heels.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Thanks Jim, I look forward to it. Hey, I just noticed that I am a "MEMBER" now.  Pete |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
something that i wanted to add: the article isn't in the newspaper, the narrator suffers at first disappointment, then at last denial. amy is the personification of poverty and ignorance. by the narrator asks her a question, and gets this sarcastic reply that really doesn't in any way assist her in ordering. therefore, it was a subtle stab at the way poverty cripples opportunity. also, by looking into the eyes of amy, seeing the newspaper (if you see it as a symbol of failure) and seeing herself, the narrator has foretold her own doom, the same one she tried, unconvincingly, to say wasn't there, hence the references to great authors and famous people. i don't know if any of this is clear, but i do appreciate all your comments. |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
roxanne, Perfectly clear... I identify somewhat.(a lot actually) Wonderful read. J.L. [This message has been edited by J.L. Humphres (edited 01-04-2000).] |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
roxanne is a beat poet *S* (this is an extreme compliment)...this work truly rocks from the waffle house...statement and images totally intact...A note on the punctuation...simply use it or not...it makes no difference to me...THIS IS GREAT WORK POET! |
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