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8 lines
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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8 lines |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Hi there, i'm fairly new to this, but have posted in open poetry and in the prose section, and since i have commented on some works in here, i thought i would add my works in the fire too. 8 lines Words migrate from side to side like birds, each one looking for a place to nest, Too much interference with life, they block off the view of the sky, the sun The juices that give you sight Each word is a nail in your coffin, pulling you closer to its promise of absolution The word promises redemption, that it will solve all your muddles Give you back your sanity, your courage, your will At least for eight lines |
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| © Copyright 2000 patchoulipumpkin - All Rights Reserved | |||
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
8 lines? Are you counting the title as a line?  )Nice feel for rhythm, often neglected in free verse. Falters only in third last line, which breaks the pattern and jars a little. Keep the words comin', Pumpkin. |
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Hawk183 Member
since 1999-12-24
Posts 130 |
I am not sure if I get the point...but that may not be your fault  I am thinking that you might be saying that the poem itself may be the salvation...but hollowness ensues when the verse is over...if I'm right, then I think that you have really hit the nail on the head...the trick, I guess is to keep writing...and if they keep coming like this, you're doing very well...I genuinley enjoyed this piece. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Pumpkin: Gonna agree with John on all counts. With the exceptions of lines 3 and 7, your poem has a very pleasing rhythm. You might want to see what you can do with those two lines (they are kinda like speed bumps on an otherwise smooth road). Look forward to reading more. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Hi thanks very much for all the comments back, i appreciate it. I see the points you've made and i've incorparated some of them, so here is draft 2 Words migrate from side to side like birds, each one looking for a place to nest Too much interference with life, they block of the view of the sky, the sun The life that you befriend They infer your redemption Giving you your sanity, courage and will To write your 8 lines To answer Hawk, yes, it is about the process of creation, and how it can provide salvation, while recognizing how paradoxical the whole process can be in that it frustrates as much as it satisfies. Thanks again for the help, look forward to your responses |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
a valient effort and welcome to CA...since the 8 lines are important , i shall not bother you with the line breaks...the re-work is great...KUDOS! |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
patch-- draft two is 6 lines, no? i think maybe you want to make haze's line breaks after all... she was about to suggest the following (correct me if i'm wrong, haze...): Words migrate from side to side like birds, each one looking for a place to nest Too much interference with life, they block of the view of the sky, the sun The life that you befriend They infer your redemption Giving you your sanity, courage and will To write your 8 lines i might take a look at rewriting "they infer your redemption", too... seems a tad awkward to me, but that could just be me. "but they carry your redemption"....? just a suggestion. thanks for a good read! i liked this one. jenni |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
Thanks for the responses, i hadn't realized, i totally omitted a line. Let me see about draft 3. Jenni i like your suggestion of carries your redemption, infer is a bit tight, i agree. Words migrate from side to side like birds Each one looking for a place to nest Too much interference with life They block the sky, the sun The life that you befriend Each word is a nail in your coffin A nail that carries your redemption Providing you your courage, sanity and will To write 9 lines Okay i reworked this way too much and am no longer objective, but i think this has a good flow to it. And of course my concept has been blown out of the water with the ninth line. So much for that copyrighted poem, lol. |
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