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Lectures (A Sonnet)
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Lectures (A Sonnet) |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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When I was young, my mom and dad believed A lecture helped a child more than a swat, My dad, he'd studied in psychology, And dealt with me when I was over-wrought, Or when I'd done a dirty deed that ought To have been worthy of some punishment, Instead I got a speech so full of thought, That I would wish I was more confident, Could tell him that the lectures were for naught, One slap would be much quicker, and do more (To get it over with was what I sought), The torment of those lectures, such a bore! I yearned for punishment that was handwrought. I set the field ablaze by accident, Then found out that the lectures were well-meant. warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-02-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 2000 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
First, congrats on maintaining colloquial speech throughout - hard to do in a sonnet. I reckon it's OK to be formal or colloquial, but not to mix 'em. Too many do. Great use of half-rhymes; always adds more interest to a sonnet. Only one crit. Second last line. "Then I set" is the only break in iambic pentameter in the whole piece. I've tried saying it aloud afew times, and OK, you can sort of slide "then I" into one unaccented syllable, but still? |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear John, Thank you for taking the time to read and comment. I see what you mean about the second to the last line, and will try to correct it. Again, thanks, warmhrt |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
John, Is that better now? I know it's not a great piece, perhaps not even good, but I'm excited that I was able to finally get the correct meter. Appreciate your help, warmhrt P.S. Jim, teacher,  where are you? I think I finally did it! (Did you minor in phys ed?)[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-02-2000).] |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I enjoyed it, well written. It reads kind of like a moral fable, a little story about morality. It was good though, i'm not much of a critic, unfortunately, but the only thing i can say is the last line, well-meant, didn't have enough impact to end your poem which has a quirky spirit to it. I set the field ablaze one afternoon, But no one offered to punch me over the moon. I don't know, i'm not much good at rhyming stuff, but something that kind of brings in your feelings about wanting "a spanking" as compared to a lecture. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
lovely sonnet, i can definitely relate to the want for quick physical punishment as opposed to long lectures. my father was the type that would rather tell me how lucky i was not to have my crazy grandpa as a father than actually discipline me. i especially like the couplet at the end. I set the field ablaze by accident, has to be my favorite line. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
patchoulipumpkin and roxanne, Thanks for reading and giving me your honest opinions. Sonnets are a challenge for me. This is a true story. At the age of seven, I and two friends were playing house in the remnants of an old foundation in the field across the street from where I lived. I had taken matches from home, and we built a little campfire to cook over. We just forgot to put it out when we went home! Glad you enjoyed, warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Warmhrt, I'm so glad that you kept at it. This is a very nice sonnet about a subject most of us can relate to. I liked the way you maintained the swat, wrought, ought rhyme throughout, very unusual.  I didn't see it before you edited the second to last line but thew meter seems perfect now. Oops, what is this? Are ther 15 lines in there? I'm not sure one can get by with that. Loved it anyway. Pete |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
WH: Congratulations! You've done it! But ... uh-oh ... 15 lines. I'm afraid sonnets have 14 lines, my dear. Except for that very minor (and fixable) detail I see you've met Bradley's 1999-2000 Sonnet Challenge head on and have done remarkably well. You've also managed to write a very good poem and I echo many of the above positive sentiments. Now slow down a little bit ... you're making the rest of us look bad! LOL @ "Jim, teacher" ... "minor in phys. ed." (that's a pun of "gym teacher" for all of you out there trying to figure out what's so funny). Good job on this. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks to all who enjoyed it, and thought I did a good job. Jim, I thought you told me it was a,b,a,b,b,c,b,c,b,d,b,d,b,e,e...which is fifteen. I've been writing all of them that way. Perhaps I was mistaken, or it was a typo. Anyway...I've got work to do...just posted another with 15 lines.  [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-03-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
To clear up any further confusion: Shakespearean: abab/cdcd/efef/gg Spenserian: abab/bcbc/cdcd/ee Italian/Petrarchan: abbaabba/cdecde or variant forms of abbaabba/cdcdcd -- (Elizabeth Barrett Browning -- Sonnets from the Portuguese No. XXII) or abbaacca/dedeff (William Wordsworth -- "Scorn not the Sonnet...") Sorry for any confusion. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Well, I know it's not your fault, Jim. I most likely misunderstood, but I've decided this will be a variant form, and will continue to use it as yet another signature of my work.  warmhrt P.S. Thanks for all your help. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
That's what I like to see! A poet standing by her work. LOL. What's next, Grasshopper? Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Jim, I truly appreciate all the help you tried to give me, but free verse is my forte. I'm giving up on these stinkin' sonnets, and I'll leave them to you and the others who know what they're doing. Thanks again. (Did you say 20 laps?) warmhrt |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
excuse me bringing this to the top kris ..jim's masterly exposition of the different sonnet rhyme patterns might be of assistance to libbi .... |
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Libbi Junior Member
since 2000-09-24
Posts 18 |
wow, so many different types of sonnets...think i need to sit down. I really liked you sonnet warmhrt, and couldn't find anything worng with it (except maybe the 15th line thing, but i think that added a nice original touch!) Nice work, don't give up yet! -libbi- |
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