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Reprieve (1st attempt at a sonnet)*revised again
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Reprieve (1st attempt at a sonnet)*revised again |
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jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
It was for me I thought you walked this earth. You were a savior who my pain could ease. For when I held you close for my release, it was within your arms I felt such worth. My heart so full of fate, it danced with mirth and with each thought of you my breath would cease. But still my stormy rapids you appease. My love, upon your shore beheld my birth. And now you fall from heaven's heights so high. My heart was yours, exposed with no defense. Your words once fair and sweet, I did believe. I hang my head with heavy saddened sigh. Deadly poisoned by your stealthy pretense. From this pain, I pray, God grant reprieve --------------------------------------------- Okay..I hope this is better. Attempting a Petrarchan Sonnet. (third attempt now) I appreciate any suggestions or comments. I know the lines got messed up too many words on one line wont fit together sorry. [This message has been edited by jaxjoy (edited 01-02-2000).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jax: I hope this proliferation of sonnet writing is not a mere phase. I'm loving this.  Before I begin my critique of the format I want to mention that it was the following sort of reply that helped me learn to write these things better. The first sonnet, I think, is probably the hardest to write. The structure is rigid and unforgiving and it is a constant struggle to maintain proper meter, rhyme, flow and theme. My hope is that you continue to write these things. First, I would like to point out that a sonnet is, generally, rigidly defined: a fourteen lined poem, written in iambic pentameter, following a certain, set rhyme scheme. I understand that some (including the most well respected) poets have taken the liberty of relaxing some of the rigidity of the definition. Since most (if not all) of us here are relative beginners when it comes to sonnet writing (and poetry, for that matter) then I think that it is important to attempt to follow the rules as closely as possible. That being said, lets take a look at your sonnet. You have the prescribed fourteen lines. Your rhyme scheme appears to be ABBAABBA/CDECDE which would indicate that you have written a Petrarchan or Italian sonnet (one of the more difficult, in my opinion). Stucturally, your syllable count fluctuates thoughout the poem and this, I think, is a no-no when trying to adhere, rigidly, to the "rules". Your meter is sometimes iambic (da-DUM) and sometimes not. Notice the accented (capitalized) and non-accented (lower case) syllables of your first four lines: IN / your DARK- / -est HOUR i YEARNED / to BE / your LIGHT your AN- / -gel OUT / of SIGHT an in- / -VIS - ib / -le SOURCE / of POW- / -er. In a Petrarchan/Italian sonnet, the first eight lines generally introduce a problem or question, and the concluding sestet offers the resolution or answer. I think this is satisfied in your poem: the first part reveals the narrator's desire to be with his/her love and the sestet describes the results of that desire not being met. It is not the strongest contrast but, I think, it IS a contrast. The poem is moving and sad. "In your darkest hour I yearned to be your light your angel out of sight an invisible source of power." I liked the first four lines (the only problems I saw were with the syllable counts and some of the meter not being iambic). You may want to try to avoid commonly used images such as "darkness", "light", and "angel" in the future. These are all commonly used and some slight variations would help distinguish your poem from others'. "As life springs from showers, growth we cannot fight." I really liked the imagery here. Perhaps you could expand on this a little bit. "How I hoped to end your plight and from my love, pray you not cower." The portion "pray you not cower" sounded a little bit forced to me. This is, I think, one of the greatest challenges we face when we are writing sonnets. But I think with a little tweaking this line will be fine. "I am grieving without you. without your touch, your voice In you I did believe. From my heart you withdrew Committed to your choice From this pain, God grant me reprieve." This is where I detected your thematic turn. With the exceptions of the meter and syllable count I thought it was, generally, well executed. The lines are a little choppy and the last line seems a little forced to me. Maybe something like: "In you I made myself believe but from my heart your heart withdrew" This doesn't address the syllable count problem but I think it might improve the flow a little bit. Just a suggestion (may not even be a good one). You should be very encouraged. This is a wonderful first shot at a sonnet and considering you chose a difficult format, I think you have much reason to be proud. Thanks for writing this. I enjoyed the read and the opportunity to offer my critique. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
Thank you for your detailed critique. I appreciate your thoughts. The only reason I tried to write a Petrarchan sonnet is because I saw yours posted "My Autistic Son"(I had never heard of a Petrarchan sonnet) It wasnt so much your sonnet but for some reason the words "Petrarchan Sonnet" stuck in my head. I am weird!!! Thanks again. Perhaps I will try to fix this one or maybe just maybe I may try to write a completely different sonnet. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jax: I really like the changes you've made (both structurally and substancially). "Petrarchan" does kinda stick in the head, doesn't it. I warn you, though, that these sonnet things are addictive!  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
Jacqueline - Comparing the "original", which I was able to piece together from jboulder's reply, to your new version, you have made a really substantial improvement. Still one iamb short in each line, but, hey, you're getting there, and it reads well. The form is well worth persevering with, as I feel it's better balanced and capable of more impact than the Shakespearean form. Look after your heart. |
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jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
You're so right! I think I am addicted now. I keep seeing bits and pieces of unwritten sonnets in my head. I dont quite get the iamb thing yet. Am I missing a couple of syllables on each line or something? These sonnets hurt my brain but I think I like it!!!! |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jax: All I have time for is a quick explanation of iambic pentameter. If, after this explanation, you still have questions, feel free to email me and I'll do what I can to better explain. An iambic foot is two beats, the first being an unstressed beat and the second a stressed or accented beat (da-DUM). "Iambic pentameter" is a written in five (penta = 5) iambic feet (da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM/da-DUM). A good example of this is from Shakepeare: "Shall I compare thee to a summer's day" or (to show the accents) shall I/ com-PARE/ thee TO/ a SUM- / -mer's DAY. The key to learning to read and right in this way is to practice. If you can't "hear" the accented beat when you read a certain word you can always look it up in the dictionary (a good dictionary will show accented syllables in its description of a word's pronunciation). You wrote this poem with four feet (eight beats). I thought that it was a significant improvement over your first draft and I think this sonnet remains very workable. I hope I have been of some help. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
Thanks Jim, you really have been a great help to me. I revised it again, so I hope I am closer to a petrarchan sonnet this time. I also visited sonnets.org and that was a great help too. It explained all about iambic pentameter and all the other ameters haha. thanks again. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i really can't help you with the format, but i thought that it was pretty enjoyable poem. |
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