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The Clothesline
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Clothesline |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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Shaking out wrinkles from damp fabric, I drape it over the line, pinching wooden pins, securing the corners, two in between. the breath of Aeolus, and the warmth of Helios play with powder blue sheets that dance in response to their reverent touch. the fabric drinks in the sunshine, the freshness of rushing air, creases evaporate, and limpness gives way to increasing suppleness that floats and slaps upon the breeze. the blue inhales the clean, pure northern air. The fabric now stretched upon my bed, I slide into the powder blue, feeling Aeolus and Helios there with me. warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 01-01-2000).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
warmhrt, The verse has a refreshing feel; esp enjoy the reference to the gods. The last stanza leaves us with a comforting dream of mythology. Always enjoyed freshly dried-outdoors sheets!!!  As to structure, respectfully suggest ideas, as I'm no phd, just an amateur, you know. I believe the beginning would display action if it began somthing like: "Shaking out wrinkles from damp fabric, I drape them over the line, pinching wooden pins Securing the corners, two in between." The word 'open' in the original position had me struggling with what was happening pinching - already open wooden pins or pinching them open; rewording maybe would help me, I just omitted it & changed the prpeosition to 'them' in ref to bedding for obvious reason. Second stanza only change I'd make is 'their' reverent touch, speaking of both gods. The third stanza's feel is terrific, I just don't agree with the use of 'suppleness' here. Only because as things dry outside they stiffen & harden....maybe a play on that aspect!! Respectfully, Debbie |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thanks, Debbie, for your suggestions, which, most of them, I did apply. Since I use 250ct. sheets, mine are supple, even dried outside. I do remember, though, the older sheets I had used to become a bit stiff. I always appreciate any comments made in the interest of bettering a piece. Sincerely, warmhrt |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
I really like this, makes me want to put up a clothesline! |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i have to admit that when i first read the poem, i was like "oh, no, why is she spontaneously adding greek gods in here", but by the end, of the poem, i see that it comes off more like a homage to them than anything else. it also helps to increase the "refreshing" feeling that debbie spoke of. having said that, i think that the last line should be a little more formal. it's kind of like "well, i got my good buddies helios and aeolus here with me", but i know that you didn't intend it that way. (by the way, it's not THAT informal, it was just intended to be a comic hyperbole) i think that making it more, i can't think of the word right now, but more like you are talking about greek gods. anyways, interesting read |
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