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new year
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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new year |
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lily Junior Member
since 1999-12-27
Posts 16united states |
this is my first post, so any criticism would be helpful. a hole in my glove one tiny spot of pink in the mess of purple stitches only there because i couldn't afford another pair tears in my coat strips of cloth waving everytime the wind starts blowing only because i didn't have the money for one this year dusk creeping in on gentle feet i'm looking into the sun in spite of it waiting out my life working for it girls with pom poms and party favors skipping off to parties in the night attached to the arms of lean looking boys bound to get drunk and wind up naked in a pool of wet confetti with them i've got all night to stay out here and work and when the clock strikes midnight i don't even have to care, just another year compressed paper burns less easily lily davison |
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| © Copyright 1999 lily davison - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Ok, I guess I'll be the first to critique your work here....and I promise I'll respect you in the morning  "a hole in my glove one tiny spot of pink in the mess of purple stitches only there because i couldn't afford another pair" Good and interesting opening stanza. Only suggestion I have is the wording for the last two lines could be shortened into one line while keeping the meaning, perhaps to something like, "there because I couldn't afford", something like that opens up the meaning to not being able to afford most things and not just new gloves...just an idea. "tears in my coat strips of cloth waving everytime the wind starts blowing only because i didn't have the money for one this year" Perhaps consider combining the first two stanzas or wait until the end of the second stanza to drive home the "can't afford" part because the reiteration of it seems a little unnecessary, ie. "a hole in my glove one tiny spot of pink in the mess of purple stitches, tears in my coat strips of cloth waving everytime the wind blows because I can't afford." Just an idea, yours to use how you wish. "dusk creeping in on gentle feet i'm looking into the sun in spite of it waiting out my life working for it girls with pom poms and party favors skipping off to parties in the night attached to the arms of lean looking boys bound to get drunk and wind up naked in a pool of wet confetti with them" Pretty solid stanza here. One suggestion is perhaps a different wording or spacing of the first two lines. Also "wind up" seemed unnecessary, consider omiting "with them" at the end as well. "i've got all night to stay out here and work and when the clock strikes midnight i don't even have to care, just another year" I like the idea behind the ending but to me it came off a little flat. Consider expanding a little bit more on the "I don't even have to care" sentiment. That does seem to be the theme...that no matter the year, your life doesn't change. Anyways I hope I've helped ya a bit, that is if you feel this piece needs editing. I enjoyed the read, thanks for sharing it, take care. Trevor |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Lily, Welcome! This is a nice place to start off a New Year. For a first post, I think this was very good... very sad, but still good. I might make a few small changes in the format if it were mine, but we all have our own styles. Constructive critiquing is what this forums about, and you will learn a lot from it if you wish to. Keep writing. warmhrt |
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