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Hawk183
Member

since 1999-12-24

Posts 130

0 posted 1999-12-30 07:54 PM

I ragged bones could lift and praise,
if such could make a man,
         then how would I need thee.
But so hot and sweet it last for days,
when lips do touch a hand,
         for a moment to be free.

When taste and touch can save a soul,
and eyes themselves a light,
         can words say what's felt.
A mind reeling takes its toll,
a waking sleep at night,
         but a heart that burns and still will melt.

Could I ever find the words,
so easy and hard with letters and type,
         when the concience must be clean.
A kiss so sweet I fly with birds,
a taste of apple so red and ripe,
         enter my mind--Insanity Serene.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

1 posted 1999-12-30 08:25 PM

Hawk,
I love this! Your choice of words, the format...everything works! Loads of feeling and emotion...great piece.

warmhrt

Hawk183
Member

since 1999-12-24

Posts 130

2 posted 1999-12-30 09:20 PM

Thank you very much Warmhrt....this poem was a lot of fun for me to write...I'm glad it went over well.

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

3 posted 2000-01-01 11:08 PM

to me, this was a semi-confusing poem, so i'm going to try to break it down to critique it.  here goes.

I ragged bones could lift and praise,
if such could make a man,
         then how would I need thee.
But so hot and sweet it last for days,
when lips do touch a hand,
         for a moment to be free.

I suppose that the first word is "if" and not "i", but otherwise, i think it's a pretty good stanza, a little confusing, but good.

When taste and touch can save a soul,
and eyes themselves a light,
         can words say what's felt.
A mind reeling takes its toll,
a waking sleep at night,
         but a heart that burns and still will melt.

i have to say that i don't understand this stanza at all. i really have no clue.

Could I ever find the words,
so easy and hard with letters and type,
         when the concience must be clean.
A kiss so sweet I fly with birds,
a taste of apple so red and ripe,
         enter my mind--Insanity Serene.

i think that i understand the first three lines, talking about how hard it is to do love justice with words, but the rest is a mystery to me.
if you'd like to explain this one to me, i'd be glad to hear it.
thanks

patchoulipumpkin
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 196
Bermuda

4 posted 2000-01-02 01:40 AM

Incredible. I loved it. The great paradox.

John Foulstone
Member

since 2000-01-01

Posts 100
Australia

5 posted 2000-01-03 09:01 AM

Liked the imagery, and the feelings conveyed. But:
"Thee" does sound contrived, just an easy way out of finding a good rhyme.

Metric structure of first stanza is good.
Iamb/Iamb/Iamb/Iamb
Iamb/Iamb/Iamb
Iamb/Iamb/Iamb
Anapaest/Iamb/Iamb/Iamb
Iamb/Iamb/Iamb
Anapaest/Iamb/Iamb
However, this pattern seems to fall apart at the third line of the second stanza. It's something to consider.

J.L. Humphres
Member

since 2000-01-03

Posts 201
Alabama

6 posted 2000-01-03 09:55 PM

Hawk,
Good use of imagery and meter. Very good read. Especially liked the last stanza.
J.L. Humphres

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