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Critical Analysis #1
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I Hate.......
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I Hate....... |
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BlOoD TiEs Junior Member
since 1999-10-02
Posts 30New York City |
I hate when all I ask is for a little respect and I get treated like a reject. I hate when I dont know what to do because I can't tell whats fake or true. I hate when I try to be the best I can, yet still get treated as if I'm not a man. I hate the way you critique my every flaw, like stiff jabs to my jaw. I hate the way nothing goes right, needing the sunshine only at night. I hate the way the world is so brutal, trying to live happy nearly futile. Dont bet on fast horses, bet on slow rabits. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Wiser - All Rights Reserved | |||
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
BIOoD TiEs, Simple, morose but I like it. I'd like better to see an uneven prsentation, something like this: "I hate when all I ask for is a little respect and I get treated like a reject. I hate when I don't know what to do because I can't tell what's fake or true I hate when I try to be the best I can yet still get treated as if I'm not a man." You get the idea.....probably a few prepositions I'd change but nice from the dark side  Debbie< !signature--> Treat others the way you wish to be treated. [This message has been edited by dispatch debbie (edited 12-30-1999).] |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
the thing that i don't like about this poem is it format. beginning each line with "i hate..." even though that is the title of the poem simplifies what i'm sure you don't want to be seen as simple. you're talking about things in life that you purely detest, but with this format, i think it comes off sounding more like "green eggs and ham", you know "i will not eat them in a box, i will not eat them with a fox". i can see that you obviously have talent. it has a very clever rhyme, particularly the last line I hate the way the world is so brutal, trying to live happy nearly futile. and the 4th line is also very good. i just think that it would be a much better poem if expandend and put into a different format. thanks for sharing it. |
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BlOoD TiEs Junior Member
since 1999-10-02
Posts 30New York City |
Thanks for the critique. I know I have to re-work some parts but excluding the format, I have no idea on how to do it. I havent written many poems and the ones I do write I have an attitude of when it's done it's done. So everything I have ever posted here is a first draft. This is also a first draft but I don't know how to make it any better. Should I try to re-word the begining of each line or move on and let it stay mediocre? If I re-word it what should I put. As you can see I am pretty new to poetry so I am just looking for some guidance. Thanks for the help so far. Dont bet on fast horses, bet on slow rabits. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm not a big fan of this type of format (but if you've read anything I wrote here you already know that). Kenneth (whose somewhere around here) has one method: take the same idea and write the poem again without looking at this version and then compare the two and see which one you like better. My other suggestion would be to try being more specific to your life. What are the specific instances in your life that make you feel this way? Who makes you feel this way? If you take this route, I you'll see that every line here is the beginning of a new poem and that should keep you busy for awhile .Just some suggestions, Brad |
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Tim Gouldthorp Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 170 |
BlOod TiEs, I like the poem. I definetely think it would be improved by neatening it up here and there and altering the format as has been suggested |
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J.L. Humphres Member
since 2000-01-03
Posts 201Alabama |
B. The main thing to revision, and I'm sure most will agree, is to let the work rest a couple of days. The first draft is always the roughest. After 48hrs. or so of mulling ideas over in your head, I think you'll be able to clear up the clutter. The idea is very good, it's the presentaion that needs the work. J.L.H. We all go a little mad sometimes... --Alfred Hitchcock |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
BT: I, personally, don't have a problem with your poem being too general. I do agree with Brad, however, that personalizing poetry increases its impact. You don't even have to get into specifics about your life. Just latch onto certain feelings you have or have had and then write about them. You may want to consider dropping the rhyme. In some places it seems forced and in others the near-rhymes don't seem to work so well. What I like about this is actually the repetition of "I hate ... I hate ... I hate ..." But what I think is missing is a sense of growing tension or despair(depending on what the narrator is going to do with this "hate"). Hate will either, in my opinion, lead to a violent outburst or to a self-destructive moment or both. Giving this "hate" some direction (even direction toward resolution), I think, will improve your poem very much. Think "Where do I want to go with this?" and take us there with you. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Midnight Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 28 |
I, too, think you should drop the rhyme, I just don't like the way it sounds, like you were trying to write a metered poem, and fell very short. I also agree that you need to personalize it a little more. In reading this, I can say, well, yeah, I can relate, but I don't feel what you are telling me, and that is an important aspect of poetry, to get the reader to see or feel something, to take a picture from your mind or an emotion from your soul, and put it on paper (or a screen) so that other people feel or see it. I think you should try this. When you write, and say, for example, "Ihate when all I ask is for a little respect and I get treated like a reject." When you re-read your poem, I'll bet instances when you were treated like a reject pop into your head. But we don't know what these were. That, I think, is the main reason the poem doesn't work. |
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