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The Low Brown Sky
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Low Brown Sky |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
The green tree shaped air freshener sporadically jangled from my rear view mirror scentedly reminding me of a forest I once knew that nursed a children's game, hiding those who were sought after a hand blind count of thirty and waggled maestronic, wind powered limbs to the ebb of wild tuned symphonies scoring a climatic event. It built me as I cut it down into a subdivisioned man with a manufactured freshness beneath a low brown sky, (driving a car that does not breath). *Thanks to all for the catch on typos (I'm an awful speler  ).[This message has been edited by Trevor (edited 12-31-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Trevor: Me first! Me first! Let me begin by saying you are adept at making one dig for your poem's meaning. That is an extremely good thing. A couple of simple critiques: Spelling "forrest" should be "forest" (unless you are talking about "Gump" and forgot to use your [SHIFT] key like the lovely warmhrt) and "new" should be "knew". I also don't see the purpose of spelling "subdivisioned" with "-vision'd". I am also wondering why you chose a prose like format for the first two stanzas then opted for a poetry format for the last one. Maybe if you centered it it would look more like a canopied tree (if that is the effect you are interested in going for). Now substance: I thought this poem had considerable substance. I like the word "subdivision'd" being applied to a man (being a real estate developer, I don't think I've ever heard "subdivisioned" used in this way). I thought that it was very effective. I would be interested in an explanation of the meaning of the last stanza to you after several people read it. I have an idea of what you mean but I would like to hear what you have to say about it. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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dispatch debbie Junior Member
since 1999-12-29
Posts 16Michigan |
Trevor: I, too, womdered what the style change signified or if it's just as is. With erratic punctuation & capitaliztion throughout, kinda lost the sense in the middle of poem. Really all about a tree & events leading to false & unnecessary creation of the natural? What I reaped...what did you sow? Debbie |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
An excellent message. As I read this I felt that you were pointing out our desire to recapture what we have lost (thru desecration and destruction) Our natural selves (the child within us all) also shines through here. I love the layering...Now for the format...Prose first lead seems okay but then the switch is distracting...very distracting...I offer this with respect, to be taken or left "Green tree air freshner jangled sporadically from my rear view mirror, scentedly reminding me of a forest I once knew that nursed a children's game hiding those who were sought after a hand blind count of thirty. Waggled maestronic wind powered limbs to the ebb of wild tuned symphonies, scoring climatic event. Building me, as I cut it down, into a subdivisioned man with a manufactured freshness beneath low brown sky, driving a car that does not breath." Take the read on this and see how it seems to you...for my (more minimal) tastes It has a smoother flow and a deeper drive to the point...Which BTW is a very valid and timely one. TA ~haze [This message has been edited by haze (edited 12-29-1999).] |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
I like this a lot. Before I make my guess at what your saying, just a couple of quick suggestions. I don't think you need the comma after "mirror" in the first line. I also don't like the word maestronic. It disrupted the whole flow of your prose section. Also, I don't know what it means and that makes me mad so it should go away. *grins* Okay, now, here's what I got out of this poem. It's similar to what haze said, but a little different. The first part of is a memory of your childhood and a place you enjoyed as a child. The poetic format is you as an adult. You've realized that as an adult you've had a hand in commercializing/destroying the things that helped you grow as a child. And I do like the way you did the format. The prose style is more free-flowing, like a child, and the poetry part is more structured, like an adult. Well, that's my whole go on things. Anyway, if you couldn't tell by now, I did like this one. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
A couple of things I noticed in this timely message (and good poetry) were the use of a couple of words that are not words: maestronic (I would definitely replace this one with one that rolls more smoothly off the tongue), and scentedly. I know we often use "poetic license", but... Freshner should be either freshener or fresh'ner. I agree with Ryan on the meaning of the piece, but would try to tighten up the format a bit as Haze suggested. An intriguing poem! warmhrt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Just my two capitalistic drachmas (go to Philosophy 101 if you don't understand this). I like "maestronic". I take it to be a Trevor-ism for "maestro" (as in symphony conductor) like. And Trevor knows I am never wrong.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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jenni Member
since 1999-09-11
Posts 478Washington D.C. |
trevor-- i really liked this piece! your last stanza is simply wonderful. i love the image of the forest (and the speaker's memories) building the speaker into a "subdivisioned man;" the idea of manufacturing the freshness of the natural world, and, perhaps, of the inner personal world after innocence is lost -- out of nothing more substantial than memories -- was also very well done. (kudos as well on "it built me as i cut it down", a wonderful phrase.) i liked "scentedly". "maestronic" on the other hand... well... "scoring" i interpret as writing, as in creating a musical score, and certainly that fits with a maestro and wild symphonies, but don't quite see how all the music imagery fits with nursing a children's game. what am i missing? i'd make that whole middle part musical, or nursing-themed, one or the other. (a very humble opinion, lol.) i loved your last two lines, especially the "low brown sky." I've noticed you really use color effectively in your poems. you use two here, green and brown, both "earth" colors, but putting brown in the sky is remarkable, as if everything now has been turned on its head. a subtle yet powerful way of making your point. very well done! |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i don't care what anyone says, leave the middle part the way it is. it's perfect. i guess that there are two levels on to which this poem can be thought of. the last stanza i think provides that. either the man is being built by his childhood as he cuts down the purity of it, or he is literally cutting down trees, and feels remorse that he is cut off from it at the same time. the low brown sky kind of hints to a combination of both. obviously the sky is polluted by something, which has taken away from the fresh feeling of childhood. anyways, i thought that it was a wonderful poem. |
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patchoulipumpkin Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 196Bermuda |
I really enjoyed it. I liked the idea of being in natural reverie while driving a filth mobile. TRes cool. The only real thing i can say is that with the prose part, i got a bit lost. I don't know what maestronic means, and the symphonies scoring climactic event, I didn't quite understand either. The first stanza was great, as well as the childhood game in the forest, but it was your description of the forest that i lost. IN any case, i did enjoy the concept. |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Thanks to all who took the time to read this poem. JIM: "I am also wondering why you chose a prose like format for the first two stanzas then opted for a poetry format for the last one." Ryan hit the nail on the head with his expaination. I wanted to change the format to try and enhance the switch between the man as a child and as an adult, which in essence is almost two different people in this case. "I would be interested in an explanation of the meaning of the last stanza to you after several people read it. I have an idea of what you mean but I would like to hear what you have to say about it." In the last stanza I tried to show the irony that the very things that helped make him who he is as a person, he destroyed to help make him again (into a land developer). Also that he only experiences the smell of the forest through an air freshener (a manufactured freshness) because of the pollution created by development. The car bit was just a quick blurb about how we should be our own pollution watchdogs. HAZE: Loved your rewrite however I'm going to stick with this format instead, I wanted the change in formats to break-up the poem. RYAN: "I also don't like the word maestronic. It disrupted the whole flow of your prose section. Also, I don't know what it means and that makes me mad so it should go away. *grins*" It's a "made up" word meaning to act like the conductor of a symphony. So what I was trying to say was that the limbs of the forest moved erratically like the arms of a symphony conductor. Sorry word makes Hulk mad but I'm going to keep it I think.JENNI: "i liked "scentedly". "maestronic" on the other hand... well... "scoring" i interpret as writing, as in creating a musical score, and certainly that fits with a maestro and wild symphonies, but don't quite see how all the music imagery fits with nursing a children's game. what am i missing?" I threw the musical interlude in there to try and show the noises that are created as children tromp through the forest while playing hide and go seek....Like birds chirping and flapping, squirrels boogie'n around, etc. Perhaps I'll try and rewrite it to bring the meaning out more clearly. THANKS to all again who took the time to comment on this poem. I appreciated it greatly, take care, Trevor |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Hey! Watch it with the land developer shot (check my profile). You shouldn't be so careless with my feelings! Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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John Foulstone Member
since 2000-01-01
Posts 100Australia |
My totally subjective reaction, for what it's worth: Liked the first. Loved the last. And the middle? Mum always said if you can't say something nice, don't say anything. I'll close my mouth. |
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Jennifer B New Member
since 1999-12-30
Posts 6 |
Tevor, I enjoyed your poem, and enjoyed reading the critiques along with your responses almost as much. I'm just learning about this poetry-stuff, so I hope you don't mind me standing back and watching for awhile. Thanks! |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Hulk angry. No like word. Big, scary. Hulk hit word. Hulk hit Trevor. *grins* Well I guess I can survive with you keeping that word. I still like it. Hulk leave now. Fight bad men. Save world. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Trevor, Strong images and I, for one, liked the change of style in the middle. I also don't have any problems with some of the words. But the last line doesn't fit for me. Are you focusing on a general view of people who have 'matured' without realizing that they've destroyed what allowed them to 'grow' in the first place (if so, I would argue that that's a weakness) or are you see one person, a person who can be described with his own unconscious tics and unique 'marks'. If so, and I know this goes against your minimalist instincts, I would argue that you need to expand it more; give us irony or guilt, ignorance or ambition -- even a coronary problem might help us to see the person as well as the image (for some reason, the guy with smoking patches who melted in the lava in 'Volcano' comes to mind). Nevertheless, you do have a tremendous skill at creating an 'atmoshphere' to your work. hope all is well, Brad |
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