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Critical Analysis #1
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warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563


0 posted 1999-12-28 10:06 PM


I sit,
as darkness yields
to light,
nicotine coursing
through veins,
limbic spewed jumbled
messages leap
synaptic clefts,
unable to enter yet asleep,
the frontal lobe.

light steals through
cracks in blinds,
dances on the bedroom walls,
while thoughts so primitive
remain, animal thoughts,
clawing at the bone,
void of reason
full of needing
hungry  gnawing
prowling
discovering remains
of something lost,
exploring acrid air,
nothing to be found
to satisfy the void,
emptiness pervades the marrow.

reasoning  judgement awaken,
feeling limp, wrinkled sheets,
the bed is meaningless,
you are gone.

warmhrt




[This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-29-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved
Songbird
Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184
Missouri
1 posted 1999-12-28 11:41 PM


I am not much of a critic, I just know what I like and I like this. You let us feel your pain so well and so descriptively. Thanks for another well written read.
jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
2 posted 1999-12-29 09:19 AM


WH:

Where can I get your book?    I have a natural aversion to free-verse (usually) but I think your word choices are like Pepcid AC to my distaste.  

"... limbic spewed jumbled
messages leap
synaptic clefts,
unable to enter yet asleep,
the frontal lobe."

Synaptic clefts?  I really like that.

"... void of reason
full of needing
hungry  gnawing
prowling ..."

Where you aware of the trochees here when you were writing this?  I notice that Poe does much the same thing when he is fishing for a similar effect.

The final stanza rings of Camus' absurdity ... and a little bit of Freddie Mercury's "...nothing really matters..." at the end of "Bohemian Rhapsody".  

Very nice work.  Liked it much.

P.S.  Care to offer a lopsidedly left-brained, textbook anal retentive any pointers on writing free-verse?  




 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


Trevor
Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700
Canada
3 posted 1999-12-29 10:52 AM


Hello,

"I sit,
as darkness yields
to light,
nicotine coursing
through veins,
limbic spewed jumbled
messages leap
synaptic clefts,
unable to enter yet asleep,
the frontal lobe."

I really liked the second half of this stanza and the build up to its hectic world.

"light steals through
cracks in blinds,
dances on the bedroom walls,
while thoughts so primitive
remain, animal thoughts,"

I thought the "remain, animal thoughts," was an unneeded line.


"clawing at the bone,
void of reason
full of needing
hungry  gnawing
prowling
discovering remains
of something lost,"

Excellent use of words and tempo change.

"exploring acrid air,
nothing to be found
to satisfy the void,
emptiness pervades the marrow."

This came off as a little flat compared to the previous barrage of energy....especially the kinda cliched "nothing to be found to satisfy the void,".

"reasoning  judgement awaken,
feeling limp, wrinkled sheets,
the bed is meaningless,
you are gone."

Terrific ending and great word choice again. All in all a very enjoyable poem. Thanks for the read, take care,
Trevor


warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

4 posted 1999-12-29 12:28 PM


Septsong - you are kind and generous with your comments. Thank you so much.

Jim - you honor me with the asking to teach you?!!! (I loved the Pepcid AC reference)

Trevor - I'm so glad I wrote one that didn't have to be torn apart completely...just a few adjustments made here and there. And I'm so very glad you enjoyed the read. Thank you.

warmhrt

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