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Yukon Jack and Lime (a sestina* from Nan's Workshop)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Yukon Jack and Lime (a sestina* from Nan's Workshop) |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash 
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Another Snakebite, Yukon Jack and lime, Obliviating lonely, grievous time And helping desp’rite, blurried eyes ignore The cruelly mocking, knocking barroom door. To drunken darkness I will soon succumb As dreamless sleep claims night’s residuum. My wroth, acerbic mood’s residuum, Made bitter by the aftertaste of lime, Begins to seethe as listless thoughts succumb To thoughts of Maggie’s disregard for time. A creaking jeer launched from the mocking door Proves, once again, its taunts I can’t ignore. Humiliation’s sting I could ignore But for the meddlesome residuum That echoes from that callous, mocking door. So knocking back another whiskey lime, And planning to remain here for a time, I feed my dour compulsion to succumb. Despite my burning, yearning to succumb, Clock’s smirking face and upraised hands ignore My sodden, torpid state. With strings of time Entangling sober sense residuum, Confounding numbing Yukon Jack and lime, It drags my weary eyes to watch the door. That damning, mocking, knocking barroom door! Why will its daunting, taunting not succumb To seven shots of Yukon Jack and lime? With seven Snakebites I cannot ignore It’s chilling, winter breath’s residuum! The barkeep fills my shot glass one last time. The time. The time. The creeping, crawling time. Then Maggie saunters in the barroom door, Dispelling somber thought’s residuum With her angelic smile. My wits succumb, My damaged pride I shamelessly ignore, As Maggie drinks my Yukon Jack and lime. Lips linger for a time and I succumb. I mock the mocking door and now ignore My ire’s residuum to savor lime. --- * A sestina is a lyrical, fixed form of poetry consisting of six, six lined stanzas in which the end words of the first stanza recur as end words of the following five stanzas in a rotating order and as the middle and end words of the concluding three lines. Did I just hear some groans?  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jim Bouder - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Jim, I am amazed by your poem, I hardly know where to begin. You wrote the sestina (which seems very difficult) to perfection. I love your use of words, very creative. I can't choose a favourite verse or line, simply because every verse and line are equally unique and eye catching. I look forward to reading more poetry by you. I only wish that one day, I could even attempt to write a sestina, let alone be as good as you are.  * Melissa Honeybee * |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Wonderful job, Jim! I once wrote one of these...took me three days. I'll try to dig it up. I can tell you are a seeker of challenges too. You surely met this one. What's next? warmhrt |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Jim Me again. Hey I just thought I'd let you know I finished my effort (posted in the workshop shortly) , and appreciate now, even more, how well you did with this. Two more things. Following on from the workshop comments I actually thought the "mocking door" (after I had got "mocking bird" outta my thought) worked rather well as being the sort of repetitive reoccurence of thought an inebriated and annoyed person might have. I thought in fact the phrase improved with repetition. I disagree with Georgia's point (in the workshop) quite strongly - I actually welcome any poem which makes me "work", and if this involves becoming familiar with new vocabulary then that is great. Once the word(s) is learned you can always read the poem again! Heaven forbid that we should always have to write down to the lowest expectation of literacy !! Good job ... kudos ... just an op. .. etc Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Thanks for the compliments guys. But this is Critical Analysis and I KNOW this is far from being perfect so help me perfect it! Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Help you perfect it? DAMN...The imagery is flawless, the reeling is tangible and you adhered to the form with absolute resolution...I SAY THIS IS A FABULOUS UNDERTAKING JIM! I wrote a sestina once...then I promptly tore it up...Just like Byron and his sonnet...TA...~haze |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Sorry Jim, I'm after Haze right now. I want her to tell the truth. She's too good to let her be as nice as she is being. I'll be back, Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Sorry Jim ... I'm after Brad at the moment I want him to be nice to Haze, he's too good to be as nasty as he is being ...{exit stage left running after Brad} ... PS onto your sonnet now .. P |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I hate dragging this to the top again but I have to say that this Haze/Brad/Philip thing is bringing back images of BBC's "Benny Hill Show" where the film was sped up to make the chase scenes more comical. On a serious note, I think everyone needs to be more mindful of the purpose of Critical Analysis ... it is a learning tool. If you do not feel as though you have the "ability" to critique something, there is certainly something that you did not fully understand about the piece that could be clarified by the poem's author for you. Correct me if I'm wrong, Brad, but this is not only a forum for critique but it is also a forum for discussion of technique and style. I think it would be a mistake to let CA become another Open Poetry Forum (not that there is anything wrong with OP ... although the "niceness" in there kinda makes me feel like a Klingon on the Tribble homeworld). I think Brad has noticed a general improvement in poetry in this Forum and I think this is a favorable testimony to the effectiveness of a critical format.Any who read this, thanks for listening to my two cents. P.S. Oh, btw. Sorry ... didn't mean to ignore my audience. Thanks, everyone, for the kind words. Haze: I think you are being far too kind but I thank you all the same. MH: If I told you how long I have been writing this stuff you would be very encouraged, I think. You can write a sestina and anything else you set your mind to. If you want some training sign up for Nan's next workshop. WH: Whats next? I've been pondering a double sestina. I have the end word format and the theme ... coming soon (I hope). Philip: Thanks for the compliments and the vote of confidence. Bye for now. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-29-1999).] |
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