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Butterfly
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Butterfly |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA 
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Butterfly I wish I knew how it felt to stand before my bedroom window, Touch my hand to the inviting glass, and leave this caterpillar body. I wish I knew, I wish I could know; I wish I knew how it felt to escape this sickly skin, I wish I knew how it felt for emptiness and ugliness to seep out of my tired veins to be replaced by beauty and ecstasy. I wish I knew how it felt to hear the first morning song of the lustrous red-breasted robin, nestled in the trees, like a musicbox playing a passionate melody in my newborn ears. I wish I knew how it felt to suckle on the dew from the white breast of a rose, flowing like liquid poetry on my tongue. I wish I knew how it felt to be lured by the sweet, exotic fragrance of a peach stained blossom, feeling it's silky layers engulf me in it's love. I wish I knew how it felt to feel magnolia leaves gently caressing my glorious wings, like God's fingertips to the golden strings of a harp, brushing softly against the palette of my colours. I wish I could feel the mist of the cloud's tears, trickling down from the deep blue sky to dance upon my face. I wish that I knew how it felt to be greeted by the warmth of the crimson yellow sun and by the chill of the wind, penetrating my long spine. I wish I knew how it would feel for my slender body to marinate in the wide open air - to glide. I wish I could ingest the crispness of the autumn air above the clouds, grand and marvelous the rapture. I wish I could know how it felt to journey to the ends of the earth to find glory and peace, evermore, where pain and sorrow and lonliness no longer exist. I wish I could know how it would feel to digest freedom, I wish I knew how it felt to be free. A butterfly. By *Melissa Honeybee * |
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| © Copyright 1999 Melissa P. Long-Monette - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
For a second, I was a little excited about this whole poem because I thought you were going to play with the old Taoist pondering: am I a man dreaming of being a butterfly or a butterfly dreaming of being a man kind of thing. Unfortunately, you've taken the Ginsbergian route (think "HOWL") and turned this literally into a wish list. I admit that you've got some interesting lines here and the onrush of images is an intriguing collage but, for me anyway, the 'I wish' just gets monotonous after a while. In some ways, almost every line could be developed into another poem. I wonder if you might develop the butterfly/caterpillar image a bit more and don't be too harsh on the caterpillar. They are the one that get to do all the eating you know.  Just an opinion, Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
MH: I agree with Brad insofar as your words create an interesting (and often beautiful) collage of images. What I think was missing in this one was a strong purpose or plan (the "wish list" did leave me feeling a little cold). I would develop the theme a little further, maybe keeping a concrete purpose in plan for this poem. You certainly have a talent for using words in ways that are both uncommon and effective in communicating images ("... it would feel for my slender body to marinate in the wide open air", for example, I thought to be an excellent line). Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Thank you for reading my poem and replying. Most people that have read this poem have liked it and cried. Believe me, I am aware of the monotonous "I wish" line, I am not stupid, I want it there on purpose repeating itself because that is how I feel constantly in my life. Each line is to be read slowly and digesting in your mind, as a poem as a whole, but also as just an individual line, so therefore, I am keeping the "I wish" in every line. The "I wish" line can indeed be monotonous, but only if it does not serve a purpose and goes no where, but, I feel that it serves an important purpose. I look forward to more comments, thanks everyone! * Melissa Honeybee * |
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JOY 14 Senior Member
since 1999-09-22
Posts 1419Wisconsin USA |
I don't agree with the "I wish" line being so bad. The imagery left me speechless. Never before have I read such a beautiful poem about a butterfly. JOY |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Thank you so much Joy 14, for the compliment. It made my day! I have written far too many poems in my life to even count how many I have written, and this poem is my favourite out of all of them and I will keep the "I wish" lines, although it can seem montonous to some people. However, I think it fits the poem and it reinforces the caterpillar's desperate longing to become beautiful and escape pain, to escape her coccoon. I was just watching TV one day, and was very overwhlemed at the time with my life, and I wrote this poem in fifteen minutes, the words just pored out of my pen. And Brad and jboulder, I do respect your opinion, but, I still feel that I shouldn't change a thing about this poem. Other people have told me to keep it just the way it is too. But thanks anyway for the suggestions. * Melissa Honeybee * |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Melissa, I think this is absolutely beautiful. You've got some great lines in this one and the imagery is fantastic. It truly moves me as a good poem should. I think perhaps, I myself, might change the presentation of it just a bit. Here's simply a suggestion. Notice I've changed nothing in the meaning...simply combined a few things to allow for some repitition, but not nearly so much. I wish I knew how it felt to stand before my bedroom window, touch my hand to the inviting glass, and leave this caterpillar body; to escape this sickly skin, letting emptiness and ugliness seep out of my tired veins, replaced by beauty and ecstasy. I wish I knew how it felt to hear the first morning song of the lustrous red-breasted robin, nestled in the trees, like a musicbox playing a passionate melody in my newborn ears; to suckle on the dew from the white breast of a rose, flowing like liquid poetry on my tongue. I wish I knew how it felt to be lured by the sweet, exotic fragrance of a peach stained blossom, feeling it's silky layers engulf me in it's love; to feel magnolia leaves gently caressing my glorious wings, like God's fingertips to the golden strings of a harp, brushing softly against the palette of my colours. I wish I could feel the mist of the cloud's tears, trickling down from the deep blue sky to dance upon my face; the warmth of the crimson yellow sun; and the chill of the wind, penetrating my long spine. I wish I knew how it would feel for my slender body to marinate in the wide open air - to glide; to ingest the crispness of the autumn air above the clouds, grand and marvelous the rapture. I wish I could know how it felt to journey to the ends of the earth; to find glory and peace, evermore, where pain and sorrow and lonliness no longer exist; to digest freedom. I wish I knew how it felt to be free as a butterfly. [This message has been edited by hoot_owl_rn (edited 12-28-1999).] |
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Honeybee Member Ascendant
since 1999-12-26
Posts 5372Ontario, CANADA |
Hoot Owl RN (Ruth): Thank you so much for taking the time out to read and reply to my poem. I am very glad that you can relate to it. Your suggestions for my poem will help me out considerably, thank you. You really do have a keen eye, and I will definately consider using less repetition in my poem, the way you suggested in your rewrite of my poem. I like what you have done with it. Thanks for the help everyone!!! * Melissa Honeybee * |
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