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Critical Analysis #1
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jamaicabradley
Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39


0 posted 1999-12-27 12:27 PM


And I could never think beyond you
not that I never tried
It was always like the universe
and it liked to hide inside

To keep me at it's far arm's reach
and never let me by
to keep me at it's loving peak
and never let me cry

And now you find me suffering
you have to ask me why
and kick me when I'm down again
throw gasolene in my eyes

I see this in my light
change course
you have light too

And now I have abandoned you
take your child away
lie and tell you all the things
you wanted me to say

Then shroud the truth in your mind
in my embittered tasks
keep you from the pride you take
with every single bath

Loose your home and dreams inside
find them in the cattle barn
where cold and death of animals
is all there is to keep you warm

Did I mistake
did you mistake
a love never to be?

Am I a fool
are you a fool
that we should ever think

That love can surely overcome
this simple tradgedy
and bring me back to the soil
where we both should be.


© Copyright 1999 jamaicabradley - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 1999-12-27 03:58 AM


As I peruse down the CA poems, I'm a little shocked at all the nice things people are saying about the poems.  Be polite of course but don't fall into the trap of complimenting everybody.  Such a trend defeats the purpose of this forum as opposed to the OP forum (don't mean to sound critical of OP -- just think it should be a little different around here.)

That said, I find this poem too vague to get a feel for what you are trying to do here.  It sounds as if a spirit is wishing that love will conquer its own death.  If so, there's a lot more to explore here; I can really see a long of tremendous imagery and great camera shot views throughout the poem if it really is a spirit.  If not, I'm not sure what you are trying to do here.  I would seriously think about dropping the rhyme scheme and concentrating on the meat of the poem.

Just an opinion,
Brad

Poertree
Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359
UK
2 posted 1999-12-27 08:43 AM


JB

I just broke out of Christmas hibernation long enough to take a quick look at Passions but determined not to get involved in any posting .... then I saw this and I can't resist saying that I think this is far and away the best thing I have seen from you yet.  I'm not scared of Brad .. (much) so I'll just say that the imagery is what makes the poem for me it was great .... more please.

Philip

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
3 posted 1999-12-27 02:29 PM


To think I was going to pass this one by!  Guilty of judging a book by its cover, I'm afraid.  I agree with Brad in that the musing in the poem is a little vague but there are enough hints to give me a general idea of the subject of the musing.  

I believe this is about some sort of separation (physical and/or emotional) where a child is involved and the narrator is considering the feasibility of reconciliation.  But this poem seems to be  focused on the incidental emotional conflicts moreso than the event that evokes those emotions.  This is what helps me choke down my desire to know more specifics.

I'm not scared of Brad (much) either and I agree with Philip that this poem had noteworthy movement.  

The line "keep you from the pride you take with every single bath" is going to require some explanation for me, though.  I am trying to figure out where this fits.  

I was going to correct you on the spelling of gasoline but found that the word can be spelled either way.  Go figure!  I learn something new everyday in here.  

Good work, JB.< !signature-->

 Jim

"If I rest, I rust."  - Martin Luther



[This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-27-1999).]

jamaicabradley
Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39

4 posted 1999-12-27 04:04 PM


Well...
...I will start with saying that when I sat down last night to write this poem on the computer I had no tangible idea what was going to come out of my head and I am not typically prone to writing in rhymes but that is how it was to be, and apon finishing this poem I thought to myself "I bet brad won't like it, but I think I may finally strike a chord in Philip" and oddly enough it has happened in just this way.
Brad, I completely understand and to alot of degrees agree with your critique, this poem, even for myself was somewhat bare in the realm of visualization, and I could in fact stand to fluff it up a bit and create a broader platform of feeling, indeed put a little more meat in it, but I think at this time, this sort of topical approach to the subject of this poem is all I myself could muster, but felt it important to just put down what I could before I lost it in myself somewhere, perhaps by doing this I have given the whole idea I was writing about a little longer to live and can now promise you a meatier version in the near future, I agree with you, this forum is for the express purpose of critique and it can not all be positive, I enjoy this forum the most and am getting better at being critical of other people's work.
Philip, thank you for the nice comment, I'm glad you like this one (or perhaps can relate to the style) and your affirmation is a boost for me
Jim
I'm glad you didn't pass this one by...I have to admit I am horrible with titles and usually never (or should I say rarely) assign one to a piece of work but Brad pointed out to me earlier on the importance of a title, and I am working on it...thank you for the positive comments, I'm glad you like it, as for the line "keep you from the pride you take with every single bath" I'm not exactly clear on what you mean when you say you are unsure of where it fits but in context of the poem or should I say that part I mean for it to translate as this:
"I" have taken "your" truths and am not allowing you to justify or rectify your opinions or feelings and this damages your pride, feeling it taken away and even in the bath where you usually wash and emerge feeling better or more grounded and now this is not possible because you feel vunerable and without your pride. Also the person who bathes in the poem is slightly compulsive and ritualistic so the bath is a symbol really.
Thanks again everyone.
Jamaica

jbouder
Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash
5 posted 1999-12-27 04:11 PM


JB:

Thanks for the explanation. Titles are important in luring people in to read your poetry.  As far as I am concerned, though, I'll just look for "jamaicabradley" from now on.  


 Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther


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