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The Old Oak Tree
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Old Oak Tree |
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Holden Junior Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 26Brighton East, Victoria, Australia |
The Old Oak Tree - 5/20/99 There once was an old oak tree In the middle of a paddock, Until an angry old man Who decided he’d had it. He got out his ax Sharpened the blade, Satisfied with The decision he’d made. He walked to the field Thinking to himself, About what he’d build ‘How about a new shelf?’ He got to the tree Still thinking aloud, Remembering the times Its shade pleased the crowd. He lifted the ax Ready to swing, His grandchildren once Climbed this big thing. He breathed in and then out Prepared for the blow, He proposed to his wife Under this tree in the snow. The memories weren’t strong But not all the way gone, And without this tree It wouldn’t be long. So as the ax got near The old man pulled away, And sat by the tree For the rest of the day. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jared - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
I like the idea you've got here, but I don't think the poem quite makes the point strong enough. The rhyme scheme, for me, made the whole thing too sing-songy, and I felt it took away from the rest of the poem. I think you could take the idea a whole lot further. As it is, it's just a nice little story. Hell, that might be what you're going for. If so, then just ignore that comment from me. Either way, you might want to consider explaining why the guy wants to cut the oak tree down. Does he just get spontaneously mad at the tree and want it brought to the ground for no apparent reason. Although that might be kind of entertaining to watch (*grins*), I think you might want to go ahead and tell the reader why the tree makes him so mad. That's all for my long, winding comment/critique/ whatever you want to call it. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Hi Holden, I very much liked the essence of this piece, but agree with Ryan about the rhyming. In free verse, you would have a much wider range of words to choose from, to really give this a "punch", much more feeling. The lines about the grandchildren and proposing to his wife were poignant, and with a little re-working, I'm sure the entire poem would be also. Nice work. |
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Holden Junior Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 26Brighton East, Victoria, Australia |
To Ryan & Warmhrt: Thank you very much for the critiquing, these are the first replies that I have gotten from a poem that I have posted. My other two pieces have not got any comment. I will take what you said and try to 'fix' my poem up...thank you. Holden 'I once picked a daisy's petals searching for an answer. I went through 10 daisy's before getting the answer I was looking for...I love you.' |
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