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The Sign
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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The Sign |
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Holden Junior Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 26Brighton East, Victoria, Australia |
The Sign - 10/22/99 Walking home one night with hand in hand The stars shown bright covering the land We walked through the park under the trees You whispered quietly in my ear sweetly A smile on my face my thoughts were pure I couldn't be happier with anyone but her So close for the moment should I or no Lean in to kiss her so that she'll know I hesitate thinking is this the right time I pull away with her still on my mind The moment passed us by but it's all right I'll leave our first kiss for another night Tonight is a night that I'll never forget A sign of love growing since we first met 'I once picked a daisy's petals searching for an answer. I went through 10 daisy's before getting the answer I was looking for...I love you.' |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jared - All Rights Reserved | |||
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
lilting lines-o-love Very Nice |
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Holden Junior Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 26Brighton East, Victoria, Australia |
Thank you Haze. I wrote this for my girlfriend after our first date before she & I became 'we'. I'm glad you enjoyed it. |
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Holden Junior Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 26Brighton East, Victoria, Australia |
Thank you Haze. I wrote this for my girlfriend after our first date before she & I became 'we'. I'm glad you enjoyed it. 'I once picked a daisy's petals searching for an answer. I went through 10 daisy's before getting the answer I was looking for...I love you.' |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
Holden, this is a beautiful expression of pure and innocent love. It evokes in this reader images of the time he first met the girl who became his wife, 60 years ago. Keep writing, but also read, read, read. One must listen to a lot of music before being able to compose a melody. Likewise, you must read a lot of poetry to develop your own skills in this field. Pay special attention to rhyme, rhythm and consistency of style. You have the desire and the talent to write, now develop it further! Willem |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Holden: I want to expand a little on Willem's suggestions. While I can appreciate the meaningfulness of such a moment (I've had one of those moments myself). Because the moment was, no doubt, very meaningful to you I think that, in order to do it justice, you would want to refine the words you use to describe it as much as possible. "Walking home one night with hand in hand" The problem I see here is a word(s) being cut out in order to keep the rhythm going (I think you meant to say "Walking home with you once night, hand in hand"). "The stars shown bright covering the land" The stars covered the land or the sky? "We walked through the park under the trees You whispered quietly in my ear sweetly" I think it would be a good idea for you to decide whether you want this poem to rhyme or not. When some of your lines rhyme perfectly, and others are near rhymes, the impression I get is that the rhyme is being forced. I have found it helpful to write light, humorous rhyming poems for practice. They take a relatively short amount of time to write and there is plenty of material out there. "A smile on my face my thoughts were pure I couldn't be happier with anyone but her" Again, a near-rhyme. "So close for the moment should I or no" "No" or "not"? "Lean in to kiss her so that she'll know" "...so that she'll know ..." that you love her? That you want to kiss her? I wasn't there! The only way I will know is if you tell me!  "I hesitate thinking is this the right time I pull away with her still on my mind" Again, the near-rhyme. Also, the structure of the first line is a bit confusing. The lack of punctuation lends to the confusion I think. I was clued into "is this the right time" being a question by word order alone. No question mark and the use of the word "thinking" rather than "wondering" or "questioning" helped make your meaning a little foggy. "The moment passed us by but it's all right I'll leave our first kiss for another night Tonight is a night that I'll never forget A sign of love growing since we first met" The final lines, though not without sentiment, were very ordinary. This experience was clearly and extra-ordinary experience for you (you DID write about it) ... what made it that way? Was it really "all right" that the moment was missed? Weren't you disappointed in the least? She's your girlfriend now ... did she notice the hesitation? If she did, was she disappointed? The material here is definitely workable (in my opinion, any subject about true love is workable). The problem most people run into when it comes to writing love poetry is that there is truly nothing completely new under the sun. It has all been done before. This adds a challenge to the poet to try to introduce a novel spin to an often worn subject. This is a difficult endoever (to say the least) but those who succeed produce poetry that has lasting value (beyond the sentimental). Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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