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jaxjoy
Member

since 1999-12-14

Posts 112
Texas

0 posted 1999-12-22 05:58 PM

I draw cold inspiration
from your absence.
Tears overflow
my eyes.
Pain cinches
my heart.
What I thought
to be fate,
was only an angel
cloaked in black,
his sword hidden
behind the folds
of his disguise.
His blade
how it stung
as it sliced through me
and punctured the guardian
of my mortality.
I stood before him
speechless and impaired
as I felt
the joyous warmth
escape my body
and form a pool
beneath my corpse.

Songbird
Member Elite

since 1999-12-15

Posts 2184
Missouri

1 posted 1999-12-22 07:30 PM

I really like this, it has some chilling truth to it. I think it could use a little tighting up. I don't feel like I have enough experience to tell you how to do it. The only part that personally I would change would be I stood speechless and imparied, feeling the joyous warmth escape my body, forming a pool beneath my corspe. I really truly enjoyed this, keep them coming.

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

2 posted 1999-12-22 11:35 PM

Good metaphoric content...a bit chilling...but I guess that was your intent. It had a smooth flow, also, and I think it was a pretty darn good piece.

warmhrt

starboards
Member

since 1999-10-14

Posts 467
longwood, florida

3 posted 1999-12-22 11:54 PM

very, very sad...and chilling to think about...i liked it though!

Ashley

"I wont look back, I wont regret, though it hurts like hell someday I will forget"

Brad
Member Ascendant

since 1999-08-20

Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea

4 posted 1999-12-23 02:37 AM

I think 'cinches' should probably be 'clinches' here. This poem reminds me of Buffy the Vampire Slayer (I like Buffy) but the moment seems a bit vague to me. You never really explain the first part of the poem until your brought face to face with either an angel or someone who the speaker thinks is an angel. I don't think your giving the reader enough to go on. Everybody keeps talking about 'chilling truth'. What is the 'chilling truth' that I'm missing here?
Brad

Fairy Colours
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

5 posted 1999-12-23 10:24 AM

Yup. Definately made me cringe. But I like it.

--A Little Fairy--

haze
Senior Member

since 1999-11-03

Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA

6 posted 1999-12-23 11:43 AM

Brad about wrapped all the serious critique up pronto so all I need to tell you is this is very chilling...a bit sad...and a great read!

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

7 posted 1999-12-23 12:06 PM

Jax:

I'm afraid I don't quite grasp the "chilling truth" either. I am guessing that the poem is a melodrama venturing to describe feelings after a bad break-up. Tell me if I'm completely off base here.

I like the word choices and description. I hear the deep voice of the "Warhammer" computer game narrator when I read the metaphor narrative. Had kind of a cool effect.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

jaxjoy
Member

since 1999-12-14

Posts 112
Texas

8 posted 1999-12-23 04:08 PM

not exactly a breakup..long story..really it is just about "true colors" and about a beautiful man whose sweet words turned to silence. "I" never said anything about "chilling truth"??? thanks for all your feedback. i appreciate it. just a heartbreak poem thats all.

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