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Critical Analysis #1
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Fairy Colours
Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

0 posted 1999-12-21 03:07 PM


~Music Box~

Unknown to all
There is a place
That sings a song
Only for you
Hidden away
In my music box
Are memories
Of our love so true

Written with a pen
And sealed with a kiss
Scented with perfume
Are letters from the heart
Signed with love
Received with a smile
Promises that
We'll never part

Dreams of always
Being together
Dreams of always
Being everlasting
While each night
I hold you close
Never noticing
As time is passing

There is this place
I've locked away
To keep
For us alone
My music box
A melodic sign
A love song
From long ago

This is the one love poem that I've written and liked, but I'm still not sure how certain lines tie in. Tell me if you notice it too so I can see exactly what to fix. As y'all know... I'm quite slow  


< !signature-->

 --A Little Fairy--


[This message has been edited by Fairy Colours (edited 12-22-1999).]

© Copyright 1999 Ana - All Rights Reserved
Mya15
Junior Member
since 1999-07-19
Posts 16
Sunrise,Fl,33351
1 posted 1999-12-22 10:28 AM


I had to steal the computer from my sister to comment on this one. Great job sis. I knew you'd learn to like love one day  

 

warmhrt
Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563

2 posted 1999-12-22 12:08 PM


Little Fairy,
I very much liked the metaphor with the music box....try adding a bit more of that flavor to your poetry. It's lovely...just needs a little more depth.

Sincerely,
warmhrt

Fairy Colours
Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US
3 posted 1999-12-22 01:23 PM


Thank you WH. I've actually gotten much better at writing in the past few days. Much of my inspiration came from Passions

 --A Little Fairy--

haze
Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528
Bethlehem, PA USA
4 posted 1999-12-22 05:42 PM


it is lovely and i see your growth...i agree with wrmhrt...it needs more depth...

I will look for more of your work and watch you bloom...KUDOS POET!

Fairy Colours
Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US
5 posted 1999-12-22 06:40 PM


Depth...Depth... Not too good with depth.

 --A Little Fairy--

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
6 posted 1999-12-23 03:21 AM


You know, I'm not that good with 'depth' as well and I don't think I'll ever understand what people mean when they mean 'deep'. You know, when I was younger I wrote a very bad song call 'Too Deep for You' basically because I was just shocked that someone would say that's 'too deep for me' -- anyway, I just say "I don't understand" and leave it at that.

Perhaps what they're arguing is more along the lines of taking the metaphor and imagery a step futher.  Work with it.  Today, for all intents and purposes, it is impossible to write an original poem with just one idea, one basic insight flash, so you've got to go further.  Give us the details of the music box, what does it look like, what is the song, is it old or new (or rather since you've already implied it's a little old, does it look old or new)?  Somewhere in the middle of the poem, I might actually give the love letters your talking about (or at least one) -- show us what you're talking about.

Anyway, that's what I would do.

Keep on writing,
Brad

Fairy Colours
Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US
7 posted 1999-12-23 09:59 AM


Those are some pretty good ideas. I think I'll try it and repost.

 --A Little Fairy--

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