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warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

0 posted 1999-12-21 01:02 AM

as i leave my car,
and walk toward the building,
i see a lone figure near the door,
pacing briskly.

as i approach,
he walks further away,
continuing his measured strides,
back and forth,
driven by a force unseen,
dark green sweatshirt on his back,
well-worn it was, and hooded...
he kept that hood pulled down
as far as it could go,
hiding his face from view,
head held low,
eyes riveted to the cement beneath
what must be, o, so tired feet,
hands shoved deeply into pockets,
nothing of him visible
but his blanket of clothing.

I softly said, "hello",
and heard nothing in reply,
except the sound of his shoes,
hitting the pavement
as he paced.

in the office,
there was a crisp yellow memo,
placed where I would surely see it,
"you have a new addition to your load",
it told me, and yes...
it was the man in green.

now...just what was i to do,
to reach into his world?

he hugs me now, and smiles,
holds brief conversation,
articulate and intelligent,
then he again falls silent,
and resumes his pacing,
going seemingly nowhere to you and i,
but who can begin to fathom,
where he thinks he is,
and what he is doing?

Trevor
Senior Member

since 1999-08-12

Posts 700
Canada

1 posted 1999-12-21 07:09 AM

Hello,

"as i leave my car,
and walk toward the building,
i see a lone figure near the door,
pacing briskly."

This stanza seemed a little vague to me and left me with a feeling of wanting more from it.

"as i approach,
he walks further away,
continuing his measured strides,
back and forth,
driven by a force unseen,"

Perhaps create what kind of "force unseen" it was....create a meaning for it.

"dark green sweatshirt on his back,
well-worn it was, and hooded...
he kept that hood pulled down"

Perhaps consider rewording the "he kept that hood" to something like "and kept it pulled down" because we can figure out that it's the hood your talking about without having to hear it twice.

"as far as it could go,
hiding his face from view,
head held low,
eyes riveted to the cement beneath
what must be, o, so tired feet,
hands shoved deeply into pockets,
nothing of him visible
but his blanket of clothing."

I liked this section of the poem.

Your tenses seem to be jumping. Personally I think I would have enjoyed this poem more if all of it was in the past tense. It didn't seem to make sense that in the present you are walking towards him but you are already there.

"I softly said, "hello",
and heard nothing in reply,
except the sound of his shoes,
hitting the pavement
as he paced."

Kind of plain jane. Consider adding more "flair" to really snag the reader in for the climax.

"in the office,
there was a crisp yellow memo,
placed where I would surely see it,
"you have a new addition to your load",
it told me, and yes...
it was the man in green."

I couldn't decide if I liked the wording of the last part of this stanza or not.

"now...just what was i to do,
to reach into his world?"

I liked these two lines except for the "...", perhaps consider chopping down the first line to "what was I to do".

"he hugs me now, and smiles,
holds brief conversation,
articulate and intelligent,
then he again falls silent,
and resumes his pacing,
going seemingly nowhere to you and i,
but who can begin to fathom,
where he thinks he is,
and what he is doing?"

I really liked the last stanza a lot and thought you wrapped it up nicely. However I suggest you slightly change the last two lines to something more definite to give it more "punch", ie.
"but who can fathom where he is
and what he is doing?"

Just an idea. Thanks for the read, I enjoyed it, take care,
Trevor

Fairy Colours
Member

since 1999-12-02

Posts 169
Sunrise,Fl,US

2 posted 1999-12-21 09:51 AM

I like the poem, but I like the ending the best. Great job.

--A Little Fairy--

manalive325
Junior Member

since 1999-12-15

Posts 21

3 posted 1999-12-21 01:42 PM

you caught my attention with the mistery here...and description was good, building a feeling of wonder. In the end I was wondering "what is this about?", a man in green...mmm? so, maybe that is what you wished to accomplish. But, I sense you have more substance in mind with this scene. Do you want the reader just to see it and wonder? Or, is there more?

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

4 posted 1999-12-21 11:44 PM

Thank you for your replies...I greatly appreciate the input. I knew this piece needed work, and, Trevor, you helped a lot, along with the others. Perhaps after I rework it, I'll repost it.

warmhrt

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