»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
The Maze
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
The Maze |
|
|
Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
First off I want to say that I know this isn't any good, only because I wrote this in the three min. I was finally inspired to write. That hasn't happened for a while so I figured I better use my granted creative time. Your love Is like a maze With each turn lies a mystery Leading me deeper into your unknown Each path looking like another That you know you've past before Never knowing if this course is the one Or if you've found what you're looking for Wanting to trust in the dirrection you take But always the feeling of being decived Your love Is like a maze That when deciphered You hold the key to my heart And soul Alright. Edit away guys  --A Little Fairy-- [This message has been edited by Fairy Colours (edited 12-22-1999).] |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Ana - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, First of all you shouldn't belittle yourself or your work....there's enough of us here to do that for you  I thought the poem was to vague and cliched and needed more depth because with more depth, more of a personal touch is apparent."Your love Is like a maze With each turn lies a mystery Leading deeper into something unknown Each path looking like another That you know you've past before" You spoke of a lot of things yet you gace us no elaboration on them...."mystery" "unknown"...soooo vague, each "path" may look like another but what do they look like...what are they all about...help the reader out a bit. If not then consider condensing the whole poem into a few words like, "Mysteries and unknown, paths decipher the key to my heart and soul." because that's basically all you've told the reader, ya gotta get some details and colorful elaborations in order to grab them and keep them. "Never knowing if this course is the one Or if you've found what you're looking for Wanting to trust in the dirrection you take But always the feeling of being decived" Watch the typos...detracts from the poem if the reader is making mental corrections...direction and decieved. "Your love Is like a maze That when deciphered You hold the key to my heart And soul" This is the part that really came off cliched. The whole maze and finding love analogy has been beaten to a point past death and then drowned in the river Styx (sp?) and that is why it's so important to put more description in a poem like this in order to have a more "personalized" poem and show the reader that your similar thoughts are actually completely different. Thanks for the read, Trevor |
||
|
Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
Okay. It's gonna take me a while but I'll edit it and make the corrections. Thanks for the suggestions. --A Little Fairy-- |
||
|
jaxjoy Member
since 1999-12-14
Posts 112Texas |
HI, nice poem. If I can make one teeny suggestion. On the part that says "leading me deeper into something unknown" I think it would be a little more mysterious if you were to say this "leading me deeper into your unknown" But, of course,I'm no expert  |
||
|
Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
That's a good point. I'm going to change that right now. --A Little Fairy-- |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
