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Critical Analysis #1
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wrong with me
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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wrong with me |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
what is wrong with me? another saddening night in a champagne colored car year 2000 model and air whirring the texture and consistency of ice water to my left, a bourgeousie and i'm certain, as is he, he'll go indeed very far my face, covered, honey hued hair a cut on my thumb bleeds like a slaughter glasses glint with garish poise my hands in the night, out the tinted window like him, to grasp the fragile gossamer strands of fame and prosperity he's not like the other boys not the ones i've known and should know his frame slight, movements agile i should bronze the hands that touch him, prosterity what is wrong with me? his aristocratic ways enchant me, i cannot write a verse bleeding thumb halts for him paints my sight in grey and saturnine jade he's all i want to be he makes my speech falter, my vocabulary, terse my lower class hopes are dim to be in a car with lights that don't flicker, but fade "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
This was pretty but actually made me feel kinda sad. One question though. Was this person talking about love with someone out of their legue? The answer may be painfully obvious but you have to work with me because I'm slow. --A Little Fairy-- [This message has been edited by Fairy Colours (edited 12-21-1999).] |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Quick typo correction/question, "prosterity", was it supposed to be "posterity" or "prosperity" or was it a combo of the two, to form a new word? I thought it was a pretty solid poem until the last stanza. So I'll concentrate my critiquing effort on that section. "what is wrong with me? his aristocratic ways enchant me, i cannot write a verse" This part didn't work for me. To be honest I can't really figure out why, perhaps it was the self questioning line. Is there a purpose for the small "i" instead of a large one? Hidden meaning? "bleeding thumb halts for him paints my sight in grey and saturnine jade" I don't understand the use of colours here. Is there a meaning to the grey and jade? Personally I dislike it when people throw in colors just for "special effects" when they have no relevancy to the poem. "he's all i want to be he makes my speech falter, my vocabulary, terse my lower class hopes are dim to be in a car with lights that don't flicker, but fade." The part that confused me was "to be in a car". I didn't know if you were saying that you are in a car with lights that fade or you are in a car with lights that flicker, ie. "To be young", could be interpretted as I am young or as I am old commenting on youth. Anyways I interpreted the analogy as, you wanted to be in a car whose lights flickered (you wanted to be the aristocrat). Anyways, thanks for the read, Trevor |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
EXCELLENT! LOVE IT...the sturated hues and imagery scream...I LOVE THIS PIECE ROXANNE! If I would change one little thing...In the last stanza ditch..."I can not write a verse" it seems out of place...the picture is poignant... Let me say this one more time...I LOVE THIS...KUDOS! |
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manalive325 Junior Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 21 |
the imagery here is wonderful...you are descriptive and I can catch the scene...And, the conflicted feelings come through..(i don't like that i like him) I actually think some of the imagery does not contribute to your point but seems to be there for its own sake. The colors in the last verse, for instance...on the other hand it flows well and passes meaning from your mind to mine in a way that is larger than the words. Isn't that poetry's purpose? Well done. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Roxanne, Such effective use of imagery to get your meaning across! I agree about the one line (ditching it), but other than that, I think this is a truly great poem. warmhrt |
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leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
Enjoyed your poem. Thanks for posting. Sincerely, Leon |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Well I think this was one of your best yet. I'm not going to embark on a line by line critique, all I will say is that this was right up there with your best as far as making me feel tense and uneasy, and I promise I was being entirely objective. its definitely little phrases like "and should know", quietly dropped into the middle of the second stanza which have that effect, together with the more obvious "a cut on my thumb bleeds like slaughter". To take up Trevor's last query, I presume that the reference to lights fading not flickering is using the metaphor of a beat up car with faulty flickering lights as opposed to a posh car with automatically fading lights, to describe what you aspire to? It was excellent and enjoyable. Thanks. Philip |
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