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Critical Analysis #1
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At Long Last
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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At Long Last |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563
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today i traversed the universe, and touched down on venus. the goddess of love told me such secrets, secrets i would not have been privy to had i not bent her ear with curious query, nor taken the chance. the most fiery of stars are now within my grasp, the earth, a resplendent sight, basking in the truest light. i do not walk, i float...upon waves of music, the clear dulcet tones dancing, born of a polished, silver flute, they carry me along through wisps of clouds in azure sky. not long, and the entire symphony joins the flute, in crescendo, and i reach the outer limits, no gravity here, as i tumble and turn, the sensation inexplicable... o, thank you venus! in your afterglow, i am at long last in universal harmony. warmhrt |
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| © Copyright 1999 warmhrt - All Rights Reserved | |||
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
beautiful...a very emotional work from the heart |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you, Haze. Can't seem to draw any other comments, though. C'mon...I can take it! warmhrt |
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Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
A truly beautiful work. There is no way I could improve upon it. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
You've got an interesting one here but I was bothered by the first two lines. If you're traversing the universe, why stop at Venus? Further, you say there's no gravity, yeah but you had to go through no gravity to get to Venus. I know you mean the goddess but I think you should try for a sort of parallel godess/planet thing. Right now, I don't know where you are -- "azure skies"? Two more points that are really just my pet peeves I guess: 'the sensation inexplicable' bothers me because that's your job as a poet: to make me feel that inexplicable feeling which could be anything from ecstasy to dizziness to nausea. And I really don't like the letter 'o' in poems; it always reminds me of everything between King Lear and Danny Boy; it sound like you're trying to be melodramatic where, given the scope of this poem, I don't think you need it. That said, I enjoyed reading it. Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Thank you, Septsong, for your kind praise. Brad, thank you for taking the time to read the piece, and for your advice, but I must say that sometimes men are so concrete in their thinking patterns. This poem is a love poem...the kind dreams are made of...it doesn't have to be astronomically correct, in the same way an abstract painting is not reality oriented. It is open to interpretation. I do very much thank you, though, for your input, and hope to hear from you in the future. warmhrt |
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Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
Brad did all the editing for me. (Not that I see too many mistakes anyway) I think this one was pretty. --A Little Fairy-- |
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manalive325 Junior Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 21 |
a pleasing read....like a dream. I have admit to seeking some more concrete content though. (a male thing) Only, because I sense it is there in you. You lead me to venus and courageously obtain secrets of love. The rest of the piece revels and celebrates your new state of being due to these secrets. I want to see hints of these secrets, how they change you, enlightenment. More, than just how you feel now that you have them...but, nice writing. |
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Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
Okay, I'm doing this without looking at the other replies so I might repeat some stuff w/o knowing it. But I bet you can take that. *grins* "today i traversed the universe, and touched down on venus. I like these two lines, especially the potential for double meanings I can see by using Venus. Double meanings are always fun. the goddess of love told me such secrets, secrets i would not have been privy to had i not bent her ear with curious query, nor taken the chance. the most fiery of stars are now within my grasp, the earth, a resplendent sight, basking in the truest light. I don't like the rhyme in these last two lines. I don't know if it's on purpose or accidental, but it seems out of place. i do not walk, i float...upon waves Get rid of the ellipses. They're not really necessary. of music, the clear dulcet tones dancing, born of a polished, silver flute, they carry me along through wisps of clouds in azure sky. Very descriptive section here. I like, especially the word azure. not long, and the entire symphony joins the flute, in crescendo, and i reach the outer limits, I wouldn't use "the outer limits." Reminds me of the TV show, so it seems sinister and out of place to me. no gravity here, as i tumble and turn, the sensation inexplicable... Once again, I don't really think the ellipses are necessary. o, thank you venus! in your afterglow, i am at long last in universal harmony." I like the ending. I used to write on that subject. Even had one inspired by the evening star, Venus. Well, now I have gotten around to reading the other comments and I have to say not all men are so concrete. Abstraction is quite fun. The whole love metaphor was what I was originally thinking when I read this for the first time. (really, I'm not just saying that after I read your explanation *grins*) But I did like this alot, very uplifting. Nice job. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
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Kevin Taylor Member
since 1999-12-23
Posts 185near Vancouver, BC, Canada |
Ryan's comments were well put. I especially liked the 1st two lines... they're what made me (drew me) through the rest. [This message has been edited by kevintaylor (edited 12-23-1999).] |
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