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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
My wife's the type of girl who wants to buy New clothes, a hobby, nothing more before She chose to marry me. One time as I, In consternation, waited through this chore Began to smoke a light outside the store. My yellowed fingers shook the cigarette Because I lost the gloves I sometimes wore. (A friend who liked them won a little bet); This made me think about my growing debt. She left the chic boutique with empty hands For obligations must be promptly met (And knows my hate for useless fashion brands). "I want to drink," I said prepared to fight But heard her resignation sigh that night. --not a 'puzzle' poem guys. You'll just have to wait for the next one. Still, I hope this interesting.  [This message has been edited by Brad (edited 12-19-1999).] |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
All I could figure out about your poem is that it's a sonnet. With my dim intellect, I'm doing pretty good getting that far. I read it twice, but couldn't figure it out. I even tried reading the poem backwards and scrambling the lines. Sex on the kitchen table? That interpretation worked that last time I tried it. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Kenneth, It's not completely your fault. There was a mistake. With luck, I hope I have made things a little (just a little) clearer. |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear Brad, Very intriguing...I got the kithchen table one immediately...this one IS a puzzle. I did figure out that (I think), she now works at or owns the boutique, as you wrote "...a hobby, nothing more until, She married me...". You were waiting for her to close up shop, as you were going out socially somewhere you didn't want to go?? I could just have a wild imagination, but I looked at this long and hard. warmhrt [This message has been edited by warmhrt (edited 12-20-1999).] |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
an excellent sonnet but I am afraid I will need to wait for the sequel...Great work poet...Keeps em reading... |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Brad: I see the master successfully demonstrated his ability to write in a classical form. Why do I get the impression that you were pulling your hair out over the wording of your couplet? I didn't get the kitchen table thing, though. Maybe in a dressing room, but not a kitchen table. Maybe that's where your gloves REALLY are.  Well, since Philip rightly pointed out that I am both mad AND brave (the secret's out), I will attempt a serious critique of your sonnet. Keep in mind that this is practice for me. First I'd like to say that I see what you mean by enjambment making a rhyming poem more interesting to read. I also noticed your use of internal rhyme (sometimes subtle) and think that it adds a nice touch as well. "My wife's the type of girl who wants to buy New clothes, a hobby, nothing more before She chose to marry me." Your first sentence gave me a little bit of trouble, mostly because of its structure, the "before she chose to marry me" phrase in particular. Was it just "a hobby" before she chose to marry you and now it no longer is or does "before she chose to marry me" have something to do with her wanting to buy clothes? I may be splitting hairs but, for some reason, this sentence just didn't flow for me. "... One time as I, In consternation, waited through this chore Began to smoke a light outside the store." My only suggestion here would be to more clearly tie "I" to "Began". At first I thought you might have been trying to force "Began to smoke a light outside the store" in there but, after a re-read, I think that a comma placed after "chore" would have made your intention easier for me to spot. "My yellowed fingers shook the cigarette Because I lost the gloves I sometimes wore. (A friend who liked them won a little bet);" I liked the flow of these lines. One question: In your part of the world is "-ette" on cigarette really, noticably accented? In the Pennsylvanian Susquehanna Valley it is pronounced "CI-gar-ette". Just wondering. "This made me think about my growing debt. She left the chic boutique with empty hands For obligations must be promptly met (And knows my hate for useless fashion brands)." There is a well defined thematic turn here and, now that I think about it, I get the impression that my first understanding of the first sentence (that it used to be "a hobby" before she married) was correct. I guess the combination of the tag-along hubby's mutual love of shopping [dripping sarcasm] and the lack of a favorable debt to income ratio kinda ruined the fun for her. I also liked the internally rhyming "chic boutique". "'I want to drink,' I said prepared to fight But heard her resignation sigh that night." I only mentioned before that I thought you were pulling out your hair over the couplet because I've been there ... three times. One of the hardest things about writing these friggin' things is decided how to end it. I think you've done a fine job with it but stumbled a little bit over "resignation sigh" maybe because "resignation" and "sigh" are both nouns. All in all I'd say this is a good job. Jim P.S. I also noticed you chose the more difficult Spenserian format ... good job again. [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-20-1999).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Brad I only came into this after the edit, but I gather my puzzle poem comment might have caused chaos! Is this the first shot in the great "Spenserian Sonnet 1999 - 2000 Challenge"? You seem to have set out with determination to prove what a b......d you are .. lol. This is a poem about a poor lady who just has a harmless passion for buying nice clothes .. then the unsuspecting lass marries you and has to give up her one indulgence in life in order to finance your "weed and wine" habit (hey did ya like that? "weed an wine" just made that up ~smirk~).This was a fun piece made funner by the cute little in parenthesis asides .. Oh and btw cigarette is CI - gar - ETTE in England Jim so this works perfectly for me. Marks out of ten for Brad's effort ???? Maybe we need to appoint an independent assessor ... I nominate Roxane .. I'll mail you later with the rules R (heh heh) Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I'm gonna hafta say I can't second that nomination, Philip. I here rumors that she has a secret crush on you (just kidding, of course). Besides, Roxanne may want to play too. Maybe we could ask Nan or Ruth?< !signature-->Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-22-1999).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
"I am outraged! Slander, Brad? Slander? I'm gonna sue! I'm gonna sue! I don't nominate impartial assessors ... right Ruth, Ken, Trevor? I'm gonna sue!" ....... Now where have we heard that before Jim ???!!!!!! PS I rather assumed that Roxane would keep outta this contest just to give the rest of us a chance ... but fine Jim lad if you want to encourage her to compete .. prepare to be slaughtered (heh heh) PSS Ruth is fine by me ... shhhhhh another note under the desk Ruth while he's not looking ... |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello Mr. Man, Well to be honest there isn't much I can add that hasn't been said by my betters already. Love the originality of the Sonnet and the story. I think this idea would also be a great idea for a free verse poem as well...the sonnet left me with a ripped off feeling cause I wanted to know more about the details (that's why I often resent structured formats, they sometimes force vagueness). I agree with Phillip about the cigarette line working and one should always remember that the good people of PA don't really speak English....and least not like cultured Canadians using the Queen's English ...and damn it!!! It's pronounced a-bowt not a-but Looking forward to the sequel, Trevor |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Thanks to all who replied here (and sorry it took so long to respond). For those interested, there will be two sequels to this poem. One is Italian and the other will be Shakespearean as soon as I get around to writing it. The working titles are: 'The way things are' and 'Promises'. Now, the question is who do we blame for this mess: Jim for giving me the idea in the first place or Trevor and Haze for giving me the idea for a sequel(s)? To the stake with all of them I say, Brad PS Phillip, you missed the gambling problem as well |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Bradley (do you hate that? ):You can't blame me for "this mess", my friend. I believe it was YOU who issued the challenge, was it not? I merely wrote the sonnets. And there were no disembodied voices saying "If you write them they will come". Oh, and btw (a convenient Philip-ism), thanks for shaking things up a bit in here ... I was beginning to think I was in Politically Correct Critical Analysis. Or maybe you and I both need "sensitivity training" ... nahhh. Trevor: What kind of Canandian are you anyway? I haven't seen one "aye" at the end of your sentences. What's your problem, aye? I bet you are REALLY from New Jersey ... or worse yet ... North Jersey!Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Iloveit Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 1121NM |
well I am so out of things that I have no idea what is going on, but loved the poem, it painted a picture, and that is what I think really good poems do....and loved the responses....will try to get back more and see what is going to finish up from this |
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
Brad, I'm not sure if I enjoyed reading through all the critiques more than your poem... only joking, I really like it, but I am feeling a little foolish about the fact that I am not seeing this "sex on the kitchen table" I will admit to being a little slow on these subjects but I am not seeing this, from the poem I got that your wife likes to shop and this is not your forte nor your banks or should I say your wallet and that you probably get a bit of flack for smoking and drinking (don't we all) and you were mabey a little surprised that she just let it go instead of arguing with you at the end. Am I completly off base? Mabey my brain has finally malfunctioned. Anyway, I think I could do with a little more poem on this one, it seemed to end to soon for me... Jamaica |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
What's goin on Iloveit is a kinda "pistols at dawn" scenario 'cept with Sonnets instead of pistols .. so cock your pen an' gotoit iloveit ..... .A moderator called Bradley, Had so many vices that sadly We could pick and choose To cite weed, dice or booze, Yet still more he'd flaunt, and gladly. Philip [This message has been edited by Poertree (edited 12-27-1999).] |
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jamaicabradley Junior Member
since 1999-11-04
Posts 39 |
And Brad one more thing... why am I a junior member...what does this mean? |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
A duel of limericks, will it be my prissy Brittish friend! (kidden about the prissy part, of course) To arms, then!There was a Yank prof in Korea Who was rapt in his kimchi euphoria But then he had to quit And go squat, groan and sit To relieve his most 'fensive diarrhea. That, my friend, is why two colons are better than one.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Laughing...can I just plead the fifth amendment and stay out of this one? Actually I thought it was pretty good, except for as Trevors says...we don't speak Queens English in PA. Hey by the way...where in the world is Trevor in PA? We could be neighbors and I don't even know it. Oh boy...looks to see how badly she cut apart his last posting. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
A prof who had see better days, Had a down on a cool chick called Haze He said "nice is not Truth And I will be ruth- less, in making the lass mend her ways". * apologies to Haze (if she wishes )to Ruth (just possibly) to Brad never |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Now it seems I've stirred up a few things here. Dueling limericks and the dashing young Phillip running to rescue the fair Haze from the evil and cruel Bradcula (and only my mom calls me Bradley -- watch it Jim ). I actually kind of like being the bad guy (I get to twirl a nonexistent moustache, have an irritating laugh and I even get that two pronged light sabre to take on Phillip and Trevor at the same time). Somebody's gotta do it. Iloveit: nice to see ya back. The table thing is a reference to another poem around here somewhere -- it has nothing to do with this thing. Jamaicabradley: junior member just means that you have less than fifty posts. It'll change as soon as you pass fifty or thereabouts. Now I have to plan my next literary blitzkrieg attack on some unsuspecting victim. Who will be next? (Can you hear the insane laughter right about now). Brad |
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lily Junior Member
since 1999-12-27
Posts 16united states |
i am new to this forum, so excuse me if my criticism is out of line, but to me, while i see the greatness in this piece, i don't find it very poetic. i know that it's a sonnet, and it rhymes and all, but i don't see the poetry. i've been reading poems all night, and none have generated such a response as yours, so if you would explain to me please the poetry in this. also, how do you all do those smiley things? compressed paper burns less easily lily davison |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Brad I love ya ..... did y'hear that everyone: "YOUNG" he said Come back sooooon P |
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Munda Member Elite
since 1999-10-08
Posts 3544The Hague, The Netherlands |
LOL....no comment from me on this one ! ; ) Happy New Year to all of you ! Munda |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
There were three guys named Jim, Phil, and Brad, Whose jousting drove them quite mad, They sought out words and rhyme, In hopes of being prime, Now they sit ranting, in rooms lined with pad. warmhrt |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Everyone: I know when I've been bested. LOL. Philip, I suggest you also do the noble thing and concede defeat to warmhrt in this round. Jim |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Hummpphhh ... "well if I must" sulking brit act ... ~ Hey no problem ... its the start of a New Era what the h.ll .. silly things Limericks anyway ..... but .. "I'll be back" ..... Happy New Year to ya all !! P |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Geez, I'm gone for a few days and I feel completely lost around here. I don't know how I'm going to catch up on all this stuff (I was behind before I left.) Jim, I forgot to mention this before but never, never make fun of kimchee; it's an addictive substance and until you've gotten some good stuff you'll never know what you're missing. Phillip, Is this the beginning of a relationship? I'll have to talk to my wife first. Lily, For the smiley stuff just go to the help menu at the top of the screen; the third question will answer all your questions. I really don't know how to answer your question on poetry or being 'poetic'. My immediate answer is to ask. "Why isn't it poetry or poetic?" This is the second time I've been asked this question so I guess I should address it in some way. My answer: I don't know. What do these terms mean to you (and to everybody else)? Also, I'm bringing this up to try to bring this and its sequel closer together. I think they work fine separately but what do I know? I just write these things. I'm baaaaaack, Brad |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
so where did we go wrong brad? was it my legs? |
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mysticharm Member
since 2000-06-08
Posts 189Canada |
hi brad ...had to stop even though I am considerably late but that is suppose to be fashionable for a woman ...so who is this drunken gambler who has forced his poor wife to give up her one pleasure to support the bums habits? LOL ...I enjoyed it It wasn't so much of a riddle after reading through everyone else's responses LOL...now I've got the trick, wait for the brains to answer first LOL LOL...I may have missed it if it's already posted but if there are 2 more parts to this, I would change it from 'Hobbies' to 'Addictions' LOL thanks for the laugh brad debbie< !signature--> debbie Think of saying "I Love You" as always being overdue. Love is a gift, not an obligation. unknown [This message has been edited by mysticharm (edited 09-27-2000).] |
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