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Misty_Skies
Junior Member

since 1999-12-13

Posts 17

0 posted 1999-12-18 04:59 AM

Our Star

It's a connection of love and faith,
across thousands of miles.
Heaven's light of life
in the darkness of nightfall,
and slumber.
The diamond-like wishing well,
in the blackened sky,
is ours alone.
To hold in our thoughts,
when there is silence,
a beautiful prayer.
Your voice echos in my mind,
and I see the beaming light
sparkle sweetly.
It's presence is a wonderful
promise of security,
and a sense of home.
In the night it's always there,
my beacon of sanctuary,
forever shining.
Mysteriously hidden, yet not,
touching my soul with yours,
it's power is strong.
Beautiful, and yet utterly
shameless,in all it's
glory of trust.
It's rather tender to the
wonderous feelings we share,
for another.
As old as time, it
has graced the skies, but
has found home at last.
In our souls, it doth belong,
to mingle with our passions,
and desires.
wonderfully suspended in the
silvery clouds, a jewel
of the night sky.
It holds many stories, and
passages, our chosen bond,
from afar.
A talisman of dreams, a
fountain of power, paradise,
to forever behold.
Ours for all eternity, untouched
by hatred, only by love,
our star.

---Like I said before... Fire away... Let me know your thoughts... Please! (Cringing) I'm ready for whatever you all think...(Hehehe...) Maybe...

Misty

roxane
Senior Member

since 1999-09-02

Posts 505
us

1 posted 1999-12-18 03:58 PM

okay, this poem proves that you have a way with words, but do you have a cause to put those words to? the imagery used to describe this star is imagery that is used a lot. perhaps a little trite....(just look at any of my poems and you'll see that word mentioned there)
diamond-like
my beacon of sanctuary,

this a familiar take on an old subject. there has to be some new twist on this. something that you have to add to it. i look forward to seeing what that is.

jbouder
Member Elite

since 1999-09-18

Posts 2534
Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash

2 posted 1999-12-18 04:13 PM

Misty:

There is little need for you to cringe (it gets easier to post things in here, I promise).

I agree with Roxanne that you do have a way with words.  That is, in my opinion, much more than half the battle.  But she is right that familiar topics need to have a new or noteworthy twist to them in order to be memorable.

All of this considered, your poem is beautifully written.  It was an enjoyable read.

Jim

"If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther

warmhrt
Senior Member

since 1999-12-18

Posts 1563

3 posted 1999-12-20 12:14 PM

Misty,
I agree with the others. Your poem is beautiful, and employs good imagery through your words. I had an instructor in creative writing who told us he NEVER wanted to see the words "beautiful, nice, or any of those overused words" in our work. It might help to rework it, replacing some of the more common words. It can really make a difference. Great work!

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