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Silent Nights
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Silent Nights |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Silent Nights As I watch the mysterious, dark clouds cover the pale moon once again, I tremble with unfulfilled passions, and aching desires. Closing my eyes against the showers of intense, emotional pain, another night alone, again to suffer with inner burning fires. Touching the icy, cold window pane, I see a lonely reflection, a facial expression of such longing hope, and emotional despair. Listening to the crystalline raindrops fall, and the wind howl, I see a forgotten future, with lost hopes and dreams, a fatal tare. The tears fall helplessly, forming tiny pools of pain upon my hands, as I think of broken promises, and demolished illusions of love. My body feels such torment, pain so great. Filled with anguish, I cry out in fear and grief, for lost beauty, in the wonders above. My thoughts forever captivated by lonliness, and merciless visions, my soul still cries, wanting to reach heaven's shining lights. As my mind screams for peace, my heart still craves your presence, for you have gone and left me forever... I have only my silent nights. ----Okay, everyone, man your battle stations, and fire away, I'am ready whenever you all are! *Smiling* Please, be gentle with me this time...(Hehehe) I love this poem, so I hope it touches you all... Misty [This message has been edited by Misty_Skies (edited 12-18-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 Misty_Skies - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, "Okay, everyone, man your battle stations, and fire away, I'am ready whenever you all are! *Smiling* Please, be gentle with me this time...(Hehehe) I love this poem, so i hope it touches you all..." Okay here's my first torpedo shot off the starboard...and I will try and emmulate Brad here...let me light a cigarette first and get obscenely drunk and e-mail people while pouting  ...geesh that sounds like me too...Anyways Misty, try not to double post poems, that is to post one right after another, give people some time to digest each of your works, it makes it easier to get post critiques to all your work. It also might cause people to rush through critiques of your poems....plus if everyone is critiquing your stuff whose going to bother reading mine???  Also I've read some of your critiques...don't sell yourself so short and don't be afraid to be specific, no one here is an idiot and the people here are civilized enough to not tell ya if you are....or at least they have been that civilized with me Just by reading what you've posted I think I can safely say that you know what poetry is, though you may lack the technical terminology to describe it like some stuffy English Prof....hope no one takes offense to that last comment So open up with your critiques and don't be afraid to nit-pick at other people's work (in both good and bad ways), just use your own words to describe what you think of the poem, the wording, the format and story and fret not over the terminology, that will come in time through discussion if that is what you want. Hell, I don't know what I'm talking about most of the time and they still let me tag along....thought they treat me like the younger sibling that they are always playing "ditchze's" with. Now that I think I've sunk that battleship I'll move on to your poem....don't worry, I'll be gentle....say if ya kill something softly and quietly is that considered violent or gentle? "As I watch the mysterious, dark clouds cover the pale moon once again," All the first line has been said many times before, try to stay away from cliches. "I tremble with unfulfilled passions, and aching desires." What do the aching desires feel like?, obviously they're powerful because they make you tremble but try and embelish more so you grab the reader and pull them into your journey. "Closing my eyes against the showers of intense, emotional pain, another night alone, again to suffer with inner burning fires." Again, try to elaborate a bit more. What do the inner burning fires feel and look like? What do they sound like, do they crackle and bite? "Touching the icy, cold window pane, I see a lonely reflection, a facial expression of such longing hope, and emotional despair." "icy" or "cold"...choose one or elaborate on both because they pretty much deliver the same feel the way you have them. "A facial expression" seems redundant since you already said "reflection". Consider changing it to something like, "Touching the iced window pane, a lonely reflection sees me longing hope and bitten by emotional despair." Yeah I know my wording is nothing special but I'm just trying to give an example of "chopping" down size to eliminate redundancy while keeping the meaning in tact. "Listening to the crystalline raindrops fall, and the wind howl," What does a howl sound like? Is it the howl of a wolf, a gorilla, a turkey? "I see a forgotten future, with lost hopes and dreams, a fatal tare." Typo question, is "tare" supposed to be "tear"? What are the dreams? What are the hopes? What is the forgotten future? "The tears fall helplessly, forming tiny pools of pain upon my hands, as I think of broken promises, and demolished illusions of love." The first line is veeery cliched. What were the broken promises and what were the illusions of love you had? "My body feels such torment, pain so great. Filled with anguish," Dear Misty, we the reader formally request you fill us in on what you were feeling when you wrote this poem. What does your torment feel like? Torment is a pretty non-descriptive word that can mean a thousand things to a thousand people. What did your pain and anguish feel like? "I cry out in fear and grief, for lost beauty, in the wonders above." Watch how you punctuate your lines. It seemed unnecessary for a comma or break after grief and beauty. Line breaks are an essential part of poetry writing in order to give a certain flow and subtly heighten meaning to specific words and lines. "My thoughts forever captivated by lonliness, and merciless visions," What were these tumoltous visions of yours like? I don't posess ESP "my soul still cries, wanting to reach heaven's shinging lights." Typo: "shinging"...is it shining or singing? Or is it a new light that does both J/K, Also we already know you and your soul are crying out. What do these shining or singing lights look like? I've never been to heaven, (though I've tried to convince a few ladies that I'm an Angel ) so if you mention heaven perhaps you could describe what it looks like to you."As my mind screams for peace, my heart still craves your presence," Try to "flair" up your words/wording. "screams" isn't very descriptive nor is "craves". "for you have gone and left me forever... I have only my silent nights." Pretty good ending. Perhaps consider eliminating "...", that's just a personal distaste for "..."s coming out. Anyways, hope my critique didn't come off as too harsh. I think you good ideas that just need more of "you" within them. If examined closely, we all have a distinct personality so let yours come out in your writing. Try and stay away from cliches, cause in a way it's a little like a mild form of plagerism...sort of...kind of...not sure though, I'm sure many would disagree with me. ANyways, keep plugg'in and posting away, thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Trevor, Hello, and thanks for your reply. Ummm...Let me see. Well, I write on how I feel, but I don't like to get to deep. Like poking my toe in a cold lake, but not fully stepping in, if you know what I mean. I will try to let "ME" shine through next time. I used to, but my husband could care less about my feelings...(Sad smile) So I have been closed lately, but not realy...(Don't know if you understand) Thank you for your thoughts, and insights, I will try yet again! One of these day I will write one you all will actually like! *Smiling* I will be back, you may have won the battle, but I plan on winning the war...(Wink) Talk again later...Thanks Trevor... Misty |
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leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
Sorry I have no critique to offer you. The previous post, which I believe was a good and helpful critique, pretty well summed it up. Nonetheless, I did enjoy reading your poem. Sincerely Leon |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
The biggest problem I see here is that you've got to change the title (during the holiday season no less. You should be ashamed of yourself). I would think about taking certain aspects of this poem and trying to explore and expand on just one of these images. What is in one of those tears? (typo: a fatal tare) What do you see in them? I know a lot of people just write from 'feel' and that's fine but why not explore one image and see where it goes? There's also a lot you can do with personifying any one of these images. Why not make the wind or the tears or the window speak to you? I'm a fabulist at heart. Just some ideas. Trevor, What's wrong with being an English professor (and with some of the stuff I put up here you'd wonder how the hell I got the job in the first place ) Me, drink? Smoke? Whine? You must be talking about someone else. Gotta go -- it's almost happy hour -- and expect an e-mail whining about your whining about my whining. Merry Christmas, Brad PS Damn, I'm out of smokes. Can I borrow some? |
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