»
Archives
»
Critical Analysis #1
»
Untitled
| Critical Analysis #1 |
|
Untitled |
|
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
A hillside grave; dramatic posed trees and rest assured to forget not flowers, laid beside a five word life summation stone; dibbles away from urbanity and its cough smog worries, paid for with two job dollar bills, third notice mail, a misunderstanding of when is a good time to rest. |
||
| © Copyright 1999 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
|
haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
An excellent statement! Love your word choices and phrasing...I might rethink "dramatic posed trees" to "drama posed in posture of trees" (but that's me) EXCELLENT WORK AND MESSAGE! KUDOS! |
||
|
hoot_owl_rn Member Patricius
since 1999-07-05
Posts 10750Glen Hope, PA USA |
Whew, saw the name and couldn't wait to open this one. Figured it would be a nice welcome back to CA from my leave. Let me start by saying, your breaks in this one were very effective. You have said a great deal in just a limited number of words. "laid beside a five word life summation stone;"...excellent line! We've all seen those stones...something like He's gone but not forgotten...life summed up in a fitting or not so fitting comment for the dead. "dibbles away from urbanity and its cough smog worries,"...I like the imagery I got from this one. With two lines, 9 words, I saw a grave yard on the outskirts of a crowded city, where the traffic is racing and the fog lays thick and heavy even on the best days. "paid for with two job dollar bills, third notice mail,"..okay, I'm going to question this one because I haven't a clue as to what a two job dollar bills are. I'm going to say it's the money his/her poor widow/widower earned from working two jobs to pay for a funeral they couldn't afford to begin with. And I'm not real sure where the third notice mail fits into the entire thing. "a misunderstanding of when is a good time to rest."...whew, this line says a mouthful. We can't choose when we are going to die. I also relate this back to the two job dollar bills for a double meaning with the rest. Trevor, this is a good piece, I wasn't dissapointed in the least. |
||
|
leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
Being a man of a few words, I just wanted to say how much I enjoyed your work. Thanks for the read. Sincerely Leon |
||
|
Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Trevor, Wow, I believe also that you managed to say alot, without really saying anything at all...(I hope you understand what I mean by that!) It was very, well...It was a thruthfully said point. Very moving...I liked it... Misty |
||
|
jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Trevor: Sorry I'm so late getting to this one, my friend. You have outdone yourself with this one, Trevor. The picture was quickly imprinted in my mind in much the same way Ruth described. Your final stanza "paid for with two job dollar bills, third notice mail, a misunderstanding of when is a good time to rest" clinched it for me. Keep them coming (but don't neglect Philosophy 101 ... I'm starting to miss you).  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
||
|
Songbird Member Elite
since 1999-12-15
Posts 2184Missouri |
You show a very creative use of words. I really like the way it all comes together with few words but exactly to the point. |
||
|
Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, well, well -- what do we have here? First, find a title -- leaving a poem 'untitled' is a cheap trick in my book; you can always change it later but you've got to set a tone, a direction or misdirection with that opening moment. 'A hillside grave' seems fine. I'm confused by the semi-colon in the first line. If you're doing what I think you're doing, shouldn't it be a colon? Why am I hearing these anatomy jokes in my head? I'm confused about 'two job dollars' -- does this mean working two jobs in order to pay for the funeral? Call me dense (don't call me that, it's just an expression, okay) but I was drinking Gin last night with my wife  and just don't quite get how that works. I agree with everyone else that the word choice is excellent and I read it as a certain, ironic comment on where we place our priorties. Good job.But I still want a title, Brad PS If the contest is to the death, I want the double pronged light sabre and be able to look like that demon thingey, okay? |
||
|
Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, Thank-you all for responding. HAZE: I liked your idea for a line change. Thanks. HOOT: ""paid for with two job dollar bills, third notice mail,"..okay, I'm going to question this one because I haven't a clue as to what a two job dollar bills are. I'm going to say it's the money his/her poor widow/widower earned from working two jobs to pay for a funeral they couldn't afford to begin with. And I'm not real sure where the third notice mail fits into the entire thing." That's pretty close to what I was going for. With the last few lines I was trying to say this person who worked a lot in order to buy trinkets, never took the time to relax and enjoy life and ended up paying for his/her own funeral. The irony I was trying to portray was that in the end, with their hard work, all he/she did was buy themselves a grave. BRAD: "First, find a title -- leaving a poem 'untitled' is a cheap trick in my book; you can always change it later but you've got to set a tone, a direction or misdirection with that opening moment. 'A hillside grave' seems fine." You're right. A "Hillside Grave" is an okay title but I've opted for something with a little more pizzazz...."Left Untitled For Brad", by Trevor Davis, what do ya think? "I'm confused by the semi-colon in the first line. If you're doing what I think you're doing, shouldn't it be a colon? Why am I hearing these anatomy jokes in my head?" So I was in the astronomy club and my favourite planet to observe was.....oh those damn anatomy jokes I guess I'm a little confused about the use of colons and semi-colons. If ya got a few minutes could ya give me the low down on proper use of both? Also no one has yet to help me on this one....What in God's green name are those "( )" called!!!!!!!!!!!!!! Please help...I don't know why I can't remember (brackets????but that doesn't sound right), perhaps the brain cell that held the info for it suddenly "popped!"....I dunno but for mercy's sake ya gotta tell me before I snnnnnaap. "I was drinking Gin last night with my wife and just don't quite get how that works." Well drinking Gin is not a complex thing and I'm surprised you don't get how that works or do you just not understand how you could be drinking Gin with your wife. Actually I hope my brief explanation to "Hoot" made sense and helped with its meaning. "PS If the contest is to the death, I want the double pronged light sabre and be able to look like that demon thingey, okay?" I'll let ya have the little wand and Hallowe'en costume if I can have a cook's outfit, a spatula and be able to cook like Mel from TV's "Alice"....BTW nice first blow struck with "Hobbies"....A little balding green humanoid sits down beside Trevor "Powerful Jedi Brad is, hmmmm, yes, beware of the dark side, hmmmm, complete is almost your training. Soon you'll be ready to confront your fears. But worry not, the sonnet is your friend." A vague ghostly figure illuminates, transparent in form yet solid with memories of the past, "What'cha talking about Willis?" I wave of relief and confidence washed over my body for I knew with Gary Coleman on my side I could defeat the Dark Emperor Brad. Anyways thanks to all again for taking the time to comment on my poem, take care to where ever it wants to go and buy it a sody-pop, Trevor |
||
|
Fairy Colours Member
since 1999-12-02
Posts 169Sunrise,Fl,US |
I agree with misty skies here and I want to add that I think you have a talent for creativity. --A Little Fairy-- |
||
|
manalive325 Junior Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 21 |
I like this alot...it provides a lucid scene and deep feeling with a few well chosen words. I think I got the "two job dollar bill" and "third notice mail" meaning on the second read. A poem like this needs to be digested rather than just read. So, I think its OK to let the reader ponder the meaning a bit, as long as it comes through in time. I think the meaning of the whole comes through...futility of sruggle in a big, dirty city, barely pay for death, and what for? (kind of "Life's a bitch and then you die." message) This is a worthy contemplation. I do agree that a title could contribute much. |
||
|
Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
I liked your poem. It gives a good clear image of a hazy scene. Since I interpreted the poem as speaking of the disceased (rather than the widow), I had no problem understanding the "two job dollar bills" and "third notice mail" (I've gotten those), but I had trouble understanding the final line. The other readers' insights helped me on that. I particularly liked the expression "a five word life summation stone." It reminded me of the most memorable grave I ever saw, which said, "Henry Copeland, Pioneer & Poet." After reading that simple alliteration, I felt as though I knew the man--or at least, would have liked to have known him. |
||
|
Ryan Member
since 1999-06-10
Posts 297Kansas |
"What in God's green name are those '( )' called!!!!!!!!!!!!!!" Hey Trevor. I think the word your going for is parenthesis. Sheesh, even a fourth grader should know that. But what else can you expect from a god nowadays? *grins* Nice seeing you. Have a fun Christmas. Ryan I like too many things and get all confused and hung-up running from one falling star to another till i drop. This is the night, what it does to you. I had nothing to offer anybody except my own confusion. —Jack Kerouac |
||
|
|
⇧ top of page ⇧ |
|
| All times are ET (US). All dates are in Year-Month-Day format. | ||
