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Critical Analysis #1
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Marcie
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Marcie |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA 
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Her dad sat in brown creased pants recounting everyday when corps of engineers blasted dawn through Blue Mountain Carved The Lehigh Tunnel into history He sat We listened We learned first hand lies held fast in dreams of calculating men. We were born between everything twins of different seasons. In spring we counted pink peony buds as days until summer bloomed Under Mrs. Neast's gray porch played nursemaids to five stray gray kittens We were twins with stringy hair light and dark blonde batting black flies from fallen baby jays skipping rope and cracks in small town sidewalks telling secrets behind the back of Sam Millers cyclone-wire fence. We lived for autumn's burnished smell of ocher gold and red leaves blowing through hollow streets day-glow spiders weaving green sticky thread through math teacher's spindled hair We laughed at boys backs imagined pasty kisses under wet October moons Now Marcie dreams in black and white of her mom and painted magic Scenes of stark color rave on canvas walls Her mom a shadow silent in kitchen corners crying bleeding singing She dreams of 13th winter when we woke from our girlish giggles Slumber parties denounced by gale force rush wind no-school and Marcie Her mom lay naked shivering blue on banks of gray mottled snow. After that her dad sat in brown creased pants recounting everyday when corps of engineers could not save her from stark raving color bled on black canvas walls That spring Marcie moved The house of nine-gables wood and stone stands silent on the far North Avenue Corner I passed last week People telling tales of haunting I opened the iron gate to ping-pong sounds of jax balls bouncing wildly on bleached peeling plank December winds simpered through peonies bared Marcie's mom a dusty shadow in broken kitchen windows She sits alone in sterile rooms idles in paper slippers and sings songs her mother taught her I sit on edge gray-green telling stories whispering gossip hoping for a smile I collect childhood in white bags each week share remember-whens served warm with imaginary tea Marcie blinks I keep talking Hey Marcie...Remember... |
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| © Copyright 1999 Haze McElhenny - All Rights Reserved | |||
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leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
Good work! Though the story is somewhat sad, I enjoyed this well written narative poem; and how it was visually presented. By the way, I found out yesterday, to my utter surprise, that you are the author of a poem that was posted at a certain board, August 3rd--a poem, I thought was so good, I almost gave up writing poetry. Sincerely, Leon JW |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Leon...Well thank you much (I am truly flattered ~probably blushed but~) Now, please tell me what board (perhaps what poem) would have this effect on you...my curiosity is piqued beyond words... This is BTW a true story and yes it is sad almost so sad I couldn't write it but had to...does that make sense...Well anyway...Big Thank Yous Again, Never let anything stop you from writing...TA...~haze |
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leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
Back in August, after a long absence from being online, someone had told me to check out the Gaz if I wanted to learn something. Well it happens, one of the first poems to catch my eye was Blus On Velvet, Straight Up & Black. I read it and I enjoyed it. I was also impressed with the voice you used. Afterwards, I got depressed, and said I will never write again.  Another poem posted at the same board that I thought was well written was The Haunting Of The House On The Hill. Sincerely, Leon |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Leon...WOW! Thank you so much! I don't post at the Gaz anymore for alot of reasons...but I am thrilled that you liked those poems...Thank you (They hated them.). I am also far tooooooo sensitive for their tactics so...TA there you are. Haze knows first hand all about deprssion...I hope you are on your way to recovery. I had a 2 year bout of the clinical kind myself and you have all of my hopes for inner peace. I am still recovering and probably will be for a long time but...I am recovering...Peace my friend and (if I haven't burdened you with enough thanks) Thank you again...~haze |
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leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
I was depressed for only about a week, brought on by a dose of poem-envy. Sincerely Leon |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Hello, This poem really impresses me. The choice of words and the style in which you presented them were very effective and even though I stumbled with some of the meaning I thought it a fairly concise poem. Some lines I thought were terrific: "He sat We listened We learned first hand lies held fast in dreams of calculating men." The first stanza reminds me of both my grandfathers when I was a child. "batting black flies from fallen baby jays skipping rope and cracks in small town sidewalks telling secrets behind the back of Sam Millers cyclone-wire fence." Just plain ol' excellent. "We lived for autumn's burnished smell of ocher gold and red" "We laughed at boys backs imagined pasty kisses" "She dreams of 13th winter when we woke from our girlish giggles Slumber parties denounced by gale force rush wind no-school and Marcie Her mom lay naked shivering blue on banks of gray mottled snow." Very Powerful. "The house of nine-gables wood and stone stands silent on the far North Avenue Corner" A tongue twister but good use of alliteration. "Marcie's mom a dusty shadow in broken kitchen windows" Simple line yet chalked full of imagery. "share remember-whens served warm with imaginary tea Marcie blinks I keep talking Hey Marcie...Remember..." Fantastic ending. I really liked the way you used a lack of punctuation for your benefit, I find it quite often can detract from a poem and you handled it masterfully. Some lines I didn't "dig" :"We were born between everything twins of different seasons." I know what you are saying here but it felt out of place, plus you mention the twin thing later again and the seasons take care of themselves as well, so perhaps this line isn't needed at all. "under wet October moons" I dunno....guess I might just be tired of moon descriptions "I collect childhood in white bags each week" I couldn't figure out the white bag meaning....please clue me in when ya have a sec or two, I'd love to know. Pretty much a solid poem from start to finish and rings better after each read. Thanks for sharing this one. Take care, Trevor. |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Haze, I found the poem very moving, realy sad though. I felt like crying... Needed a tissue, sorry, but I'm only female, and that was sad...(Smiling) I liked it alot, I have nothing to say on how it is formed, for I'am not educated well in the art of poetry, I have only used it to spill emotions, or feelings. So here I'am trying to learn, it's difficult, I mean to hear my poetry, well being torn apart! But I'm learing, and I love it... Lovely poem, it was sad...Very moving, thanks for the read...I like new experiences. Misty |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I tremendously enjoyed this one and pretty much agree with what Trevor said but I for one did think that the lack of punctuation did detract (only ever so slightly) from the flow of the poem. Haze, you may be one of the strongest imagery poets around here. I look forward to most of what you write. Thanks, Brad |
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warmhrt Senior Member
since 1999-12-18
Posts 1563 |
Dear Haze, I loved this tender, memory-filled poem, even though it was so very sad. You expressed your feelings exquisitely. I hope Marcie is doing well now. I do agree, however, that the use of punctuation would have made it even better. warmhrt |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Trevor, Brad, Misty_Skies, and wrmhrt...Thank you truly for the compliments, the critique, and (wrmhrt esp for the concern)...Winter is a hard time for marcie) Regarding the whitepaper bag...like you might take Donuts, candy, White Castle hamburgers I take conversation and try to make her remember since she gets amnesia (in a way) She loses all thought of what to do now or when etc and it is because of depression over her mom...the doctor's want her to remember, want her to face it...That is the meaning of the white bag etc... Thank you all again...This was very hard to write and it does me well to see it so received...TA my friends...~haze |
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manalive325 Junior Member
since 1999-12-15
Posts 21 |
I got into the story...you expressed the feeling very well...though at times I feel awkward with the line phrasing. I get the message, but feel like I have to pull it out. I like the mysterious nature of the story...allowing the reader to inject themselves into it....and empathize with the author. The feelings are deep and I sense an autobiographical expression...which I love. I am left with a saddness, but some completion having expressed so well. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I am really sorry I am such a late-comer to this. This is a remarkable work. Usually I am a stickler for punctuation but, for this, it just didn't seem to matter. Don't know what else to say except that this is wonderful. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Thank you much Jim...I have posted a lenghthy reply to you in "He Wants A Holiday" to further expound on my feelings "to punctuate; or not to punctuate" I deeply value your compliments and thank you again. Thank you manalive325 ... As I wrote to Jim I break the lines and alllow the reader to fill in their own time space of the imagery. It is an experiment in style, which I vary frequently...Thank you much for the read and comments...TA...~haze |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Sorry for the double post [This message has been edited by haze (edited 12-20-1999).] |
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