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couldnt think of a title sorry
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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couldnt think of a title sorry |
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idream2dream Junior Member
since 1999-11-30
Posts 15bessemer |
See the waves crash and break See the sun rise and set See the ripples across the lake Dream of the love we two can make Watch the flower grow from the rain Watch the season, how the change See throught the valley , across the plain From my eyes , heart . Can you see,feel my pain. |
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| © Copyright 1999 idream2dream - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
I love the simplicity and beauty of your poem. It's very expressive and meloncholy. It captures the feeling quite well. I especially like the way the final line breaks the well-established rhythm, to make the conclusion more interesting. I suggest the following changes, which you can take or leave. Most of them are simply to smooth out the rhythm. See the waves crash and break. See the sun rise and set. See the ripples on the lake. Dream of love we two can make. Watch the flowers grow from rain. Watch the seasons, how they change. Through the valley , 'cross the plain From my eyes, heart. Can you see or feel my pain? |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Actually, I enjoyed the snappy tone of this poem although I do think that A LOT more can be added. Also, I would seriously think about changing that last sentence. It reminds me of Bill Clinton. Brad |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I enjoyed this poem. Watch out for typos, though ("Watch the season, how the change" should be, I think "Watch the seasons, how they change"). I would omit the "feel my pain" part too. It has been overdone and, as Brad pointed out, brings to mind a certain lecherous chief executive.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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