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Stars in Her Eyes
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Stars in Her Eyes |
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leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
A veil of curls, those beautiful locks that lightly bounce. She dances, engaged in a spasm of girlish swirls. Patrons stopping on the sidewalk grant her all the space she needs, amused to watch her vibrant steps. Even I feel what envies her mood: Hollywood Boulevard, films, stars in eyes from a walk of fame. Oohs are matched by the glamour of ahhs; grabbing me, kissing me, showing me L.A. is made for this madness. 1999 - Leon J. W. [This message has been edited by leon (edited 12-14-1999).] |
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| © Copyright 1999 leon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Well done portrait of city frolic...the last stanza is simply fabulous... Watch your tenses... "Patrons stopping on the sidewalk grant her all the space she needs, amused to watch her vibrant steps." Otherwise...I LOVE IT! |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Well - welcome to Passions - and what a beautiful entry. I really like the rhythm of this piece - it flows so well. One thing - in line one I'm not too sure if the 'the' and the 'that' go well together. Lightly bouncing may fit better. And definitely omit that 's' on the end of grant!  A job well done. |
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leon Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 23 |
Thank you, Haze and Severn, for the encouraging comments. They are sincerely appreciated. Sorry about the typo, though--using "grants" with patrons. My proofreading is awful after typing a post. Leon |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Light and excellent! I never could figure out how to write tercets to make sense. Or are these really tercets since they don't rhyme? Anyway, I can't do it. I guess you must have fixed the "typos" before I read it because I just don't see anything to correct or change. Good work. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Leon, that is great - it reads excellently now. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Leon This is fabulous and fun ... more please. Favourite moments: "... spasm of girlish swirls" "oohs are matched by the glamour of ahhs" Least favourite: "stars in eyes" .... but in the context of the whole piece I don't think its familiarity matters .. Cheered me up greatly Thanks Philip |
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