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Body Ache
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Body Ache |
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idream2dream Junior Member
since 1999-11-30
Posts 15bessemer |
Your soft kissis leave me tingly As my whole body comes aflame Our softness grew into a great freinzy That nothing could tame Our passion could no longer be pressed Our need for each other to intense Like our bodies possed We lost all innocence Our bodies ached from desire As we slowly grew to partake Our cravings flew higher Until we found ecstasy from our bodies ache.. |
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| © Copyright 1999 idream2dream - All Rights Reserved | |||
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I must first say that I really enjoyed this. Maybe it is the hopeless romantic in me, or something, but I found this poem very enjoyable to read. But this is Critical Analysis, right? Now, lets take a closer look. Firstly, the font and color you chose made some of the words difficult to read. It also hid some typographical errors. You might want to check those out. "Your soft kisses leave me tingly As my whole body comes aflame" Some might comment that this beginning has been written before ... that it was not original. I, personally, like the beginning. I think you intended your poem to have a "crescendo" effect and the "tingly" was the spark that caused the body to come "aflame". A crescendo has to begin somewhere, right? Your first line worked, practically for me ... it kept my interest to read further. "Our softness grew into a great frenzy That nothing could tame" In the mind of the lovers, I'm sure this is true. "Our passion could no longer be pressed" I am not certain I know what you mean by "pressed". Did you mean something along the lines of "subdued" or "restrained"? "Our need for each other to intense Like our bodies possed" I think you meant "possessed". The font made this mispelling easy to mistake for "passed". This confused me a bit at first. Easy one to fix, though. "We lost all innocence" This is the only line I don't like. Most of your poem seems to describe being caught up in a frenzy of passion. "Losing innocence" seems too reflective to me. I think this line breaks the crescendo a bit. "Our bodies ached from desire As we slowly grew to partake" I like this. Are you sure "grew" is the word you want to use here though? "Our cravings flew higher Until we found ecstasy from our bodies ache." Maybe "bodies'" (plural possessive)? In the last line do you mean that ecstasy emerged from the bodies' aching or that the bodies' ache was ecstatically released? Just wondering. Thanks for the read. I really did like this.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
Like Jim, I really enjoyed this one. My only complaint would be the several words either spelled wrong or used wrong, most of which Jim has already referenced. In these comments and such, we can get by with "typos" but I think we have to be more careful in more serious writing. I really did love it though. The mood and message were spot on. And Jim, I'm glad you pointed out the crescendo effect. I knew I felt something exciting but couldn't find the right word until I read your comment. |
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idream2dream Junior Member
since 1999-11-30
Posts 15bessemer |
thanks everyone for the comment and tips. I didnt realize that poetry really needed to be study I thought It was a bunch of words that made up how that person sees,feels. I have no clue what a cre~~~ is or how to spell.So that I am sorry for not understanding. I only write what I feel never studing . But you have given something to think about.Please read more and tell me your thoughts I am loving this openess and tips .(my hubby always says I like hahaha)If people actually like any of them I was hoping to try to explore options. Again I thank. More pointers I will gladly love. idream2dream |
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