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Dreams are Reality
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Dreams are Reality |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Dreams are Reality When day breaks into night, the moon replaces the sun, and sleep takes the land, I see your smiling face in the stars, hear your laughter in the wind, feel your touch in the mist. When heart replaces the mind, soul takes over the body, the spirit of living washes over me, I see your heart in forever, I hear your loving words always, I feel you running through my system. When mysteries are suddenly revealed, the past becomes present, and time takes over lives, I see your lovely eyes shimmer, I hear your soft voice quiver, I feel your strong hands tremble. The unstoppable is finally stopped, when good overpowers evil, and the futue is tomorrow, I see your hands reach for me, I hear your footsteps behind mine, I feel your arms around me. Memmories break through cobwebs, unforgettable visions are remembered, dreams are reality, I see you walking towards me, I hear your voice whisper my name, I feel your body next to mine. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Misty_Skies - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Not A Poet Member Elite
since 1999-11-03
Posts 3885Oklahoma, USA |
For starters, I'm not a critic but we do have some here. I do think this posting deserves a reply though and since there are none yet, well, here goes. The poem is interesting with many good thoughts. I think the long lines are detracting, making it seem more like prose. The poetic nature, to me anyway, would be much stronger if more line breaks were used. Also, it seems to need a little more of a conclusion, but I don't know what that might be. Well, these are just my opinions so take them for what they are worth. Thanks for posting. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
My, my you are a brave soul! Your first posting and you've thrust it into the dragon's lair, Critical Analysis! And welcome to Passions, by the way. Let me preface this by pointing out that any criticism I offer is meant to be constructive ... in other words, I offer criticisms, suggestions and advice out of my desire to help you improve your work (not that I am an expert ... we are all learning). That being said, here goes. "When day breaks into night, the moon replaces the sun, and sleep takes the land, I see your smiling face in the stars, hear your laughter in the wind, feel your touch in the mist." There are some in here (and I won't mention Brad's name ... oops ... too late  ) that have an aversion to the overuse of hyperbole. I don't know why it bothers some but I, personally, begin to have a problem with it when the symbolic language begins to cloud or replace the intended meaning. I tend to agree that hyperbole is overused in poetry and, perhaps, you could concentrate more on what you are trying to say in the first lines than how you are trying to say it (just a suggestion)."When heart replaces the mind, soul takes over the body, the spirit of living washes over me," Same comments as above. "I see your heart in forever" I am not quite sure I understand what you mean by this. If it is a significant point you may want to clarify it in the body of the poem. "I hear your loving words always, I feel you running through my system." Is this, perhaps an explanation of the preceding line? "When mysteries are suddenly revealed, the past becomes present, and time takes over lives," There is quite a bit of symbolism here. What do you mean by "the past becomes present"? Are you referring to a vivid memory? Also not certain of the meaning of "... and time takes over lives ..." "I see your lovely eyes shimmer, I hear your soft voice quiver, I feel your strong hands tremble." I like this. The language is a little familiar. A little bit of minor rewording, I think, would be like a fresh coat of paint.  "The unstoppable is finally stopped, when good overpowers evil, and the futue is tomorrow," The easiest editing one can do is proof reading. Be careful of typos ("future" rather than "futue"). I like "The unstoppable is finally stopped ..." (referring, I believe, to "time") BUT "... when good overpowers evil, and the futue is tomorrow," rings so much of cliche that the overly sensitive will be deafened. "I see your hands reach for me, I hear your footsteps behind mine, I feel your arms around me." Nice description but, again, rings a little bit on the ordinary side. "Memmories break through cobwebs," Typos. "unforgettable visions are remembered," If they were unforgettable, why would remembering them be worth noting? Did you mean "Forgotten visions are remembered"? "dreams are reality," Hence the title. Do you mean dreams BECOME reality or is this some sort of delusion? This could either be a wonderful, celebratory experience or a picture of a very sad, dispirited person finding happiness in fantasyland. "I see you walking towards me, I hear your voice whisper my name, I feel your body next to mine." I agree with Not A Poet (don't let the name fool you) but if you are describing a sad delusion then I think it is a fitting ending. In conclusion, I think this poem is very workable. You certainly have talent and a good vocabulary. I, if I were you, would try to tone down the symbolism a bit and focus more on story line. What are you trying to tell us? What do you want us to know about this person? Is there cause for celebration or is the person retreating into fantasy to avoid a painful reality? These are questions that I think, in the case of your poem, should not be left unanswered by poem's end. Thanks for posting this here. Please do not be discouraged by any of the criticism. Take my criticism or leave it. If you make any changes, please feel free to email me and I would be happy to give it a second read. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Jim & Not A Poet, I'm a working mother, and I don't have time to write you both individually, so please, do not take offense. I would first like to say, thank you for your responses, I have been checking quite a lot for some. I have been told that I write rather well, so this is new to me. I like it though, an honest opinion, not biased, and truthful. I would like to say that I write to express how I'm felling, strange yes? Some people just say it... So, well, I just wanted to find out if I have any skills at all with writing poetry. Obviously not! So I'm going to try a bit more at it... I don't plan on changing this particular poem, since it was written for someone special, there is a meaning behind it, for them, that they understood. I do write a lot, but only if I have strong feelings going through me. I shall post another, and keep in mind while writing, what the two of you have suggested. I thank you again... Misty_Skies |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Misty: Don't be so quick to dismiss your ability to write poetry. Many people, myself included, write to put words to feelings. Feelings are, naturally, very personal and, as a result, much poetry is deeply personal as well. My intentions in my criticism were not to hurt feelings but, rather, to offer what suggestions I could to help you develop your writing skills in much the same way others in the forum have helped me. I reiterate, please do not be discouraged by my criticism. I do not think you have been led astray by you friends who told that you "write rather well" and I encourage you to continue doing so. Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
Your poem is beautiful. Don't dismiss your ability because of critique. From it we learn and grow. I offer my pen to your work with the deepest respect. Please take it or leave it as you feel...no strings. Day breaks into night moon replaces sun, and sleep takes the land. I see your smiling face in stars, hear your laughter in the wind, feel your touch in mist. When heart replaces mind, soul takes over body, the spirit of living washes over me, I see your heart in forever, I hear your loving words always, I feel you running through my system. When mysteries are suddenly revealed, the past becomes present and time takes over lives, I see your lovely eyes shimmer. I hear your soft voice quiver, I feel your strong hands tremble. The unstoppable is finally stopped when good overpowers evil and the futue is tomorrow. I see your hands reach for me, I hear your footsteps behind mine, I feel your arms around me. Memories break through cobwebs, unforgettable visions remembered, dreams are reality, I see you walking towards me, I hear your voice whisper my name, I feel your body next to mine. *If it were mine I would hone it down further, but I basically left it in tact. Peace and happy holidays...It sounds like you'll have a wonderful one. |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Haze, and Jim, *Smiling* I thank the two of you, more like all of you, for giving your opinions, and thoughts. Don't get me wrong, I appreiate them, it's just something that I'm not used to that's all. I wasn't expecting that, but that's what I get for being cocky! Hehehe... I have learned from what you all had to say, and hope the next one will be wonderful...If not perfect than damn close to it! *Smiling* I always take a challenge with both hands and persevere...So thank you all...And have a "Merry Christmas & A Happy New Year!" Nighty night... Misty |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Misty don't listen to a word those two say....whew...got here just in time...they almost got to you J/K First all let me say that I found the prose like format refreshing. I think this is a likeable poem that could use some minor line adjustments and a little more flair to the wording, some of it came off a little cliched....actually I'd say that's the only thing that I think could use some real work...the wording...but hey that's just my personal taste coming out. Anyways, I hope you will let us read some more of your work in the future. Thanks for the read and take care,Trevor |
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Misty_Skies Junior Member
since 1999-12-13
Posts 17 |
Trevor, Hello there, and thank you for the reply! I was writing a friend an E-mail, decided to check this one more time. Voila! Another response. Yes, I have been told about this cliche thing...Nobody likes it! (Sad sigh) Cliches and I get along fine...(Laughing) I suppose that we could part to cheer everyone here up though. I just started another poem, it will take me awhile to get it done though, because you all scare me to pieces! Worried about everything now, and have to pause, and reword everything, when done, I do it again! (Laughing) Everyone made really good points though, so I'm not complaining, just terrified to write! (Just kidding) I will try my best and see what I can whip up. I don't know much about poetry though, to be honest, I just use it to release feelings. I had better get going...Thanks once again Trevor, and everyone...(Wink) Nighty night...AGAIN! Hehehe... |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I'm late on this one but that's okay. I just wanted to say that I agree with just about everything already said and that cliches will be your worst enemy. Cliches, by definition, do not move a reader other than to say something like 'I can relate to what you say.' In other words, they put themselves into a poem, they read into it and are moved, not by your words, but by their own memories. I've got too much of an ego to be satisfied with that. Don't be 'terrified', just realize that it takes a little sweat and what's wrong with a little sweat? Brad |
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