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Critical Analysis #1
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Describing Butterflies to a Child
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Describing Butterflies to a Child |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
As the treeless leaf unraveled to the ground, the rope knotted man perched no more on a world that described butterflies to sight'd children. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Trevor Davis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Well, it's about time we saw you back in the poety writing biz. As the treeless leaf unraveled to the ground, --I like this; it certainly makes you read the poem a little bit more closely. On the other hand, it does seem a bit too close to 'leafless tree' -- expand this image a bit more to avoid the obvious association with that rather well worn image. the rope knotted man perched no more --so are we talking about a hanging here? A powerful and concise image. on a world that described butterflies to sight'd children. This one is a little trickier. One, I have no idea why you have that apostrophe there. How does it change the sound of the word. It seems to me you still have to express that second syllable to make the distinction between 't' and 'd' clear. Don't see any reason for it. While I can picture a picture book that was kicked out from under his feet, it's a little tough to see how this works with the rest of the poem. I like the way it sounds but I don't quite see how it all fits together. Enlighten me, O Great One. Brad |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Thanks for your comments Brad, "As the treeless leaf unraveled to the ground, --I like this; it certainly makes you read the poem a little bit more closely. On the other hand, it does seem a bit too close to 'leafless tree' -- expand this image a bit more to avoid the obvious association with that rather well worn image." Yeah it is kinda an overdone image, that's why I tried a little word switch-a-roo. I wanted to have a leaf unravelling from it's home to coincide with a man unraveling from his world. I guess I failed. I wanted to keep the poem simple but was afraid of being to vague, which I think I was. Kinda wanted to say a man without a home is like a leaf without a tree. "the rope knotted man perched no more --so are we talking about a hanging here? A powerful and concise image." Yep, it's a hanging all right, not much suspense or depth to it though now that you point it out....bastard  . First draft is always a bitch, that's why I posted it, didn't think the poem entirely worked and wanted some feedback...first poem I've written in awhile too....and that's my excuse  "on a world that described butterflies to sight'd children. This one is a little trickier. One, I have no idea why you have that apostrophe there. How does it change the sound of the word. It seems to me you still have to express that second syllable to make the distinction between 't' and 'd' clear. Don't see any reason for it. While I can picture a picture book that was kicked out from under his feet, it's a little tough to see how this works with the rest of the poem. I like the way it sounds but I don't quite see how it all fits together. Enlighten me, O Great One." The apostrophe is there to try and eliviate any confusion between sighted, as in saw, and sight'd, as in my one word version of trying to describe someone with sight. It wasn't for sound but rather for image, instead of he saw I was trying to say the children can see. The last part of the poem I'm trying to say that he is saddened by the fact that all the things he found beautiful as a child, such as butterflies, he has to describe to the youth of today because the beauty is not there anymore. I started out originally going to be literal and make it about the disappearence of butterflies....I personally didn't see a single butterfly last summer and I thought that to be disturbing, but opted to try and make it just an analogy....I guess I failed in that department as well Now you've been enlightened, I shall return to my comfortable, inflatable cushion up on high Mt. Everest where you can climb up and ask me questions concerning the Caramilk secret Thanks again for your insightful critique, it's always helpful and appreciated...well maybe it's always just always appreciated Take care Brad,The Great One (no not Wayne Gretzky) Trevor |
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idream2dream Junior Member
since 1999-11-30
Posts 15bessemer |
i use symbol as me. anyway. i dont know much and this is my first time people tell me what they think so sorry if i offend you but , i am clueless; ) but, i am one for detailed info. you do tell vividly. |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
What amazed me more than anything was that Trevor could write anything short! Just kidding, of course. "As the treeless leaf unraveled to the ground," Brad already pointed out the "treeless leaf" thing. I didn't catch the switch until the second read (I think my brain automatically reswitched the words to "leafless tree" the first time through). "Unraveled" is, I think, a great word to use here. Your reply to Brad's comment read: "I wanted to have a leaf unravelling from it's home to coincide with a man unraveling from his world. I guess I failed." My first impression, once I understood that this was a poem about a hanging, was that the unravelling was a reference to the rope. I think, read like that, it connected well with ... "the rope knotted man perched no more" The preceding quote tells me little more than "he hung himself". Tell me if I missed something. I really like the ending ... you rounded third and slid into home with this one: "on a world that described butterflies to sight'd children." You said: "The last part of the poem I'm trying to say that he is saddened by the fact that all the things he found beautiful as a child, such as butterflies, he has to describe to the youth of today because the beauty is not there anymore. I started out originally going to be literal and make it about the disappearence of butterflies....I personally didn't see a single butterfly last summer and I thought that to be disturbing, but opted to try and make it just an analogy....I guess I failed in that department as well." Geeze, Trevor, you are harder on yourself than Brad! I will be honest with you ... I thought that "on a world that described butterflies to sight'd children" was more directly a reason the man hung himself than the reason you described. I interpreted it to mean something like "the world helped those who didn't need it and left me, the needy, behind." Where is the failure? I don't see it. You could, perhaps, do something with the first line but I don't know that I would change much more than that if I was you. Now if you will excuse me, I will lean back and bask in the glory of your genius.  Jim "If I rest, I rust." - Martin Luther |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Trevor Tis a pity you responded so fast to Brad I was really enjoying trying to figure out this one, and also you did yourself out of the amusing spectacle of watching me make a complete idiot of myself (plenty more times for that!). I thought you were absolutely correct to use "sight'd" it conveyed exactly the meaning you intended to me; "seeing children" rather than any confusion with a past tense. Oh and the lack of butterflies - big debate raging in the UK at the moment about the effects of genetic modification of crops on the enviroment .. are there such crops where you are? Give us an hour or two to read before you explain next time .Cheers ....... Philip |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
let me say that i love this poem. i've read it several times now, and each time it has the same effect on me. i know that a lot of critiques for this one are focused on the beginning with the hanging man and the treeless leaf (love that part!) but the part that most sticks with me is the last two lines, well last three on a world that described butterflies to sight'd children. i'd say that the brilliance of these lines is the way that they make the reader think. my first thought was kind of a resentment from the hanging man, like the redundancy of describing beauty to people who can see it for themselves. then i thought about a little more and it seems less like the hanging man, less like resentment, and more like a sort of cynical look at how the world would rather tell people about things than let them live them... am i getting close here? regardless, i think it's great. it has inspired a lot of thought around here |
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Thanks again to everyone who responded to the poem, I guess I'll whip up another version with a change in the first line and perhaps you all could do me the justice once more of telling me which one you prefer...perhaps I'll expand on the theme a bit too. Poertree: "Oh and the lack of butterflies - big debate raging in the UK at the moment about the effects of genetic modification of crops on the enviroment .. are there such crops where you are?" Yes, I just watched a television program debating the effects of altered crops in Canada which now have a built in pesticide instead of having to be sprayed....that kinda worries me. Reminds me a bit of a Mexico about 10 years ago where they were feeding the chickens steriods and the men who ate this chicken began to grow full sized breasts. To be honest, I can't remember the last time I saw a butterfly. Such beautiful creatures, so wonderful in their sporadic, struggled flight...reminds me of a child trying to tie their shoelace for the first time. Roxane: "my first thought was kind of a resentment from the hanging man, like the redundancy of describing beauty to people who can see it for themselves. then i thought about a little more and it seems less like the hanging man, less like resentment, and more like a sort of cynical look at how the world would rather tell people about things than let them live them... am i getting close here? " I wanted to portray more saddness rather than cynicism but the end analogy I tried to say more or less, that he was so saddened that he no longer saw any beauty in the world. Thanks once more to everyone who responded, take care, Trevor |
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