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My first poem
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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My first poem |
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Sir Real Junior Member
since 1999-12-11
Posts 17 |
I have read poetry for years and always wanted to write it. Last night I finally did it. I was walking around at work, thinking, and this came to me...after a few revisions of course. Anyone who has read Jonathon Livingston Seagull will immidiately recognise the bird. be honest and tell me what you think. richard The Dream By Sir Real I dreamed of a bird once, Beautiful and swift. To Starry height’s above He’d strain, Then back down He went. Body of the brightest white Falling, like a star at night. Each time a little faster, Slowly gaining smarts. One cloud filled day His bonds He broke, And found- The beginning was again. I dreamed of a bird once, I envied Him, so free. But only in the natural, His spirit I could see, Was bound To try, to reach, to die, To look inside Himself. Straining hard against the wind, Failure meant to drown. I dreamed of a bird once. In this there is much truth. I opened my eyes and raised my head, My thoughts, they screamed, they split the night. I saw the bird and He saw me. I was the bird and He was me. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Richard Handorf - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Trevor Senior Member
since 1999-08-12
Posts 700Canada |
Okay Mr. Sir Real, I guess I have the honors of being the first person to critique your first poem. Here goes, "I dreamed of a bird once, Beautiful and swift." What did the bird look like, why was it beautiful and how fast and agile is swift? "To Starry height’s above He’d strain, Then back down He went." Is their a hidden meaning for the capitalising of "He" and "He'd"? Also when describing something make sure to elaborate. You must remember you are trying to convey a story or a mental photograph to the reader. I know not what you Starry height's look like nor do I know what this bird looked or thought when it came back down. "Body of the brightest white" "brightest white" isn't very colorful, try and embelish when describing the main character of your poem. "Falling, like a star at night. Each time a little faster," How many times have you heard "Falling, like a star at night."? Try to stay away from cliches if possible.... Sometimes difficult but usually necessary. "Slowly gaining smarts." Not a very "poetic" line and doesn't match with the rest of the poem.... I think it was the "smarts" that hurt the line. "One cloud filled day His bonds He broke, And found- The beginning was again." "One cloud filled day" isn't very lusterous (sp?), kind of plain-jane..lacking in those old description thingys again. For the ending were you trying to say that now the seagull could start it's life over or now that it reached the height it wanted that it had found there was a new height to get to... found it a little confusing. Anyways, welcome, keep plugging away, my opinion is only my opinion...and hopefully the most honest one I could give so don't be discouraged if it sounded negative, wasn't meant to be. Thanks for the read and take care, Trevor |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Richard I know and love Richard Bach's writing so I am biased. I really liked the feel of the whole poem .. it has a "Bach resonance". I have to say Trevor has done a good job on this already lol .. believe it or not you should feel honoured .. I think its wonderful that people here are willing to put in the effort and thought to try and help others improve, and believe me that is what Trevor is trying to do. Welcome to Critical and please keep writing. Philip |
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Sir Real Junior Member
since 1999-12-11
Posts 17 |
Thank you Trevor. If I can't take criticism I don't need to write do I. I appreciate all the help I can get. By the way. the "bird" in the dream was inspired by Jonathon Livingston Seagull if you've heard of him. love that bird. richard |
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DramaMama Junior Member
since 1999-10-28
Posts 47Louisiana |
One thing that bothered me was the capitalization of He. Usually capitalizing that personal pronoun means deity. I kept expecting the bird to be compared to God. Don't let this be your last.  Pat |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
sir real- i've read this poem probably four times now, trying to be able to give a fair analysis, since you asked me to. i may be a slight bit bias, as i have an aversion in a way to poems that compare human beings in a way to animals, only because i feel like it has been done throughtout the ages, and often there are not any new ideas that surface. one is always as proud as a lion, as cunning as a fox, or in this case, as free as a bird. there is however, a slight twist in your poem, and that is that the bird is not really free. you present the bondage sort of vaguely, but that is the part that is the best. i say to more concentrate on how the bird was restrained, and how he realizes this. this poem shows progression though; the stanzas get better. perhaps the thing that needs to be changed the most is the title. the poem is really not so much focused on the dream, as it is on the bird and the narrator. the last stanza is great, the repetition works great, and the description of your thoughts, it feels like an epiphany. i think that the more you work on the description of the essence of freedom and bondage, the more this poem will improve, but you have to take this theme that is used a lot, with the bird and all, and do all you can to make it you own. good luck |
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