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cold turkey
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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cold turkey |
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Brie New Member
since 1999-12-06
Posts 8WA |
one hundred and four days. it's so easy to hate you now. the day after, one hundred and five. are you proud of me? you should be, i think in days now. i was drifting and you gave me time. one hundred and five. i hear you talking when i smoke, reminding me of dying, of sickness, of wasting time. i would say i am dead already, but you would laugh at such cheap theatrics. you always did, and i know better. i know i still have time. one hundred and five. you had so many words. you let me see forever, and always first time and next time and hello. you showed me hello. words you taught me the value of, by giving me never, and nothing last time and good-bye. it's so easy to hate you, now that i've had time to learn how. i never knew what to tell you. you spoke and i smoked, the incense of our essence was tobacco and burning words. one hundred and five. it's the day after -twenty-four hours- and i finally hate you. (I don't even know what to classify this as. It just is, to take the Zen approach to form and style. Help? I know it isn't as good as I want it to be. -Briene) |
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| © Copyright 1999 Briene - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
I might be thick, but I'm not sure, is this cold turkey from drugs, tobacco, or a bad relationship? (My guess is a bad relationship.) What does it mean when you say, "You showed me hello"? Punctuation might help clarify your meanings. |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
first welcome to passions.... i try to make it politic for me to say that, as i want to appear friendly, and because you should know by posting this in critical analysis, you are quite brave  in essence, this is a good poem, except that it seems like i'm eavesdropping on a private conversation. this poem is really to a person, which only gives us half of the conversation, like on sitcoms where you can only hear donna reed rattling away about establishing credit, so when she answers their questions, she rephrases the answers.. make sense at all? i'm not one to criticize anyone's poetry, as i have established again and again that i am no poet, but i feel a little in the dark here. otherwise it's good, and i'm sure that everyone is looking forward to your next post. |
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haze Senior Member
since 1999-11-03
Posts 528Bethlehem, PA USA |
i like it i also enjoyed the eavesdropping. you have captured some good poetic moments KUDOS |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Brie ... do I have to call you that it does remind me so of my least favourite French cheese  .. oh yes and welcome to Passions from the rudest person in the forum .. lol the "irascibly discontent Philip".After your kind post on my villanelle the least I could do was try to say something constructively critical about this poem. Problem is after 3 days I can't think of much to say other than a rather feeble "I liked it". As well a "flowing" well it gives me the same kind of feeling that some of Roxane's poems engender - its like I can almost grasp at the full meaning but never quite get there .. deeply unsettling! In this case I think the repetition of the words "one hundred and five" contribute significantly to that feeling. The repetition bestows an unexplainable (to me at least) importance on that phrase .. Other than that I have to say I echo most of what Roxane said .. all apart from the bit where she slipped into outrageous fantasy and claimed that "she is no poet". Just review a few of her recent posts to see how self-effacing that comment is. I may come back to this when I understand it better .. can't wait for the next Philip |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
May this wise(?) old man offer a possible clue to the recurring phrase of '105 days' in this well written, tragic poem? 105 days = 2 weeks and nine months, wait... Doesn't that ring an alarm bell in our minds and hearts? This poem is about an abused, abandoned woman 'with child'... Dad knew how to say hello, but never said goodby, just disappeared each time. Willem |
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Brie New Member
since 1999-12-06
Posts 8WA |
My God. Let me see if I can remember what everyone said and reply to it all. First of all, yes, I suppose it does sound a little like easvesdropping. It's to a man I went out with for-you guessed it- one hundred and four days. Hence the obsession about how this would be one hundred and five. Kenneth; bless you; usually people tell me I have too many commas and things in my writing. Haze: many thanks, I look forward to finding your work on here. Roxane; I bow to your superiority and thank you for the suggestions. I have a tendancy to be vague. Philip; LOL I like your name, I'm sorry you don't like mine. I have heard many many cheese jokes. My full name is Briene, feel free to call me that. I think in a way I was trying to convey the confusion I felt, like there was something terribly sugnifigant happening, and I couldn't quite grasp it, but I only ended up confusing everyone else. At least none of you thought it was about trying to quit smoking, which is what my dormmate Anne thought. It's really overwhelming to get such a warm welcome here; so many boards and chatrooms are so intimidating. -Briene (for Philip) |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Hmmm, you know, I'm actually a little disappointed after the explanation. I thought Willem's idea was just brilliant because it is accompanied with the idea that because you were pregnant you had to stop smoking. Oh well. Still, the phrasing had a strength to it that goes nicely with the theme. I would think about dropping the 'I hate you' part and try to show us some way to get that feeling across to the reader. It seems to just sort of be there with no provacative nature to it. Does that make any sense? Brad |
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