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| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Bright Melody Junior Member
since 1999-11-06
Posts 37O'Fallon Illinois |
You smiled at me and I was unsure. Unsure of your feelings, but more unsure of my own. I was hurt. Most didn't understand. How someone could be in your life only 3 months, and still leave you broken, 5 months later. But then there was you. You began to show me that you beleved in me. That you wouldn't love me for awhile and then drop me when you got borred. You tell me what you feel. You share your hopes, dreams, and reality with me. You comforted me when I was down. When I needed help you were there. You show me everything good, and help me through everything bad. I want you to know that I'll always be here, and that I Love You. This is my 1st attempt at a poem. I know that the scheme isn't great but I'd appriciate help. I know this is a double post, it is also posted in Teen #2, but I posted it there before I realized that posting here would result in structural help. If you love something let it go... if it comes back it's yours... if it doesn't it never was. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Bright Melody - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
let me just say that i am glad that you, as a teen like me, are endeavoring to improve your poetry, and to share it with others, possibly one of the hardest things for people to do. i really have no complaint with this poem except that i think you should try to use more figurative language, as this is after all poetry. but this is your first attempt, and you were very brave to share it. good luck  |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
You have the ability to be a poet.. it's a start! In time you will find other inspirational things to also write about, and I would like to read them..... this is more prose than poetic at the point but... try converting some things to make it sound more poetic. I like the way the poem was begun, with: You smiled at me and I was unsure. Unsure of your feelings, but more unsure of my own. I was hurt. Most didn't understand. .... but you can reconsider changing the first few lines, just look at them and think of a song and how they sound.. and try to make the words have a rhythm, some kind of beat to it. I am not a structural writer, not really, because I am a prose-poet, and I write with several kinds of imagery and metaphors,.... (aww, the washing machine is right next to me and it's thundering and shaking, then stops dead. This is sooooooo annoying!) It's earthquaking ~laundry machine~ so I have to back out now. I think that you have a good start here. I can't say much but I can inspire you, I hope!! Write another poem, and I'll have more to say.... ~goes into another room away from the washer machine!~ p.s. my parents moved into a new house that is a hundred years old, that is why they put the washing machine in here, and who knows why.. I looked at the stars gleaming like the waters, and on the ground I laid, looking upwards at the stellar skies-- black as darkness in the forest, clear as water, aching as memories! |
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