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Soaring Desire
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Soaring Desire |
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angelrocket Junior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 12Salt Lake City, Utah USA |
My desire contemplates the curve of your lips... When gazing into your deep-set blue eyes...I long to trace your shoulders...your chest...in blissful embrace... My face yearns for soft caresses from your fingers...for the burning press of your lips. Oh-how I wish we could share...sweet...impulsive fantasies made real...oh ecstatic heaven-if I could know you feel...this... Reaching...melting...your lips tracing mine..... touch me.... |
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| © Copyright 1999 Angeline - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i like this, but it seems very familiar. is this a repost? just asking  |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
I liked it as well especially with a background of Pavane pour une infante defunte (Ravel)- not sure whether Ravel or the poem got to me more  . Maybe the familiarity that Roxane speaks of came from the use of previously well-rehearsed phrases ....."curve of your lips" "deep-set blue eyes" (I have those )"blissful embrace" "soft caresses" "burning press of lips" "ecstatic heaven" "melting" "lips tracing" This type of poetry is wonderful to read at the right time and in the right mood, but will I remember it tomorrow?? ... maybe not .My romantic streak loved it .. now lets maybe see something from you with romance and longevity .. Thanks .. Philip |
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angelrocket Junior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 12Salt Lake City, Utah USA |
Roxanne, You are right. It is familiar to you because when I first posted it about 6 weeks ago, you offered a suggestion...I made a change! Phillip, Thank you for your ideas about my 'cliche' phrasing!!! I can see why you feel that way...And perhaps in future, I will be able to produce something, as you suggest, with romance and longevity! I am inspired by others who post their poetry here, as well as advice and challenges like yours! This little poem was penned in response to intense feelings I have developed for a sort of office romance-unrequited love type of thing. True feelings--true inspiration. And you know--for you-it probably was Pavel!!! Thanks again! Angeline |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Cliches are a poet's worst nightmare! - When used incorrectly. I have found that what sets a romantic poem apart is an unusual order of words and perhaps an intermingling of adj's , nouns and verbs - experimentation. So, the line 'your lips tracing mine...touch me' could become something like: 'your lips curve mine traced with touch' Your work has sincerity and passion - essential ingredients for a poem. K |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Angeline ... Thanks for taking what I said in the spirit I meant it - I hate to offend people .. I truly did like it .. with or without the Pavel! and Severn the point you made was so true and so succinctly put thank you for that. Philip |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Angel: I agree with many of the above replies. The romantic side of me loved this. The ideas are well presented and I like the word choice. But Poertree makes a good observation. This could, with relative ease, be written in a way that is more memorable. Jim P.S. I have deep set blue eyes too  . |
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angelrocket Junior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 12Salt Lake City, Utah USA |
Severn, Thanks for the pat on the back....sincere passion was definitely part of penning this poem! And I like your suggestion for the lines "your lips curve mine" ...lovely.... Angeline Phillip, I see I said "Pavel" when I meant "Ravel" and of course that was -gentle- I hope- humor on my part! I appreciate the suggestions and advice here in critical, and yours too. Deep-set blue eyes too, hm..... ;-} Jim, I shall keep working on my 'presentation', so many good ideas here... Glad I posted. Hm. So many deep-set blue eyes, so little time! heheeh. Thanks! Angeline |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
angelrocket- you took one of my suggestions. but you know what, you've proven philip wrong, because i remembered the poem  it's not a forgettable piece, and i wouldn't call it cliche either. i looked at the original, and i see the changes made. i think that it's hard to write a really good romantic poem, because you can only appeal to a small part of people; their romantic side. you may not have pleased the irascibly discontent philip but you have shown that you have talent, and i think that you are going to continue to do well. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Angeline I thought the "Pavel" was rather a clever deliberate mistake .. made me smile. Oh and don't take any notice of Roxane she knows I'm just a romantic softie at heart .. "irascibly discontent" indeed .. lol .. she's right about one thing though .. every time I play Ravel (with an R) I remember this poem Looking forward to your next Philip |
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angelrocket Junior Member
since 1999-11-15
Posts 12Salt Lake City, Utah USA |
Roxanne! Thank you for your expression of faith in my 'talent'! If I have any it is driven by passion and its need for expression--and by my need for lyrical, beautiful expression. I shall continue to read and learn, and pen more...passion! Angeline Dear Irascible Philip! I am glad that you shall remember my pen's 'soaring desire' when you play the Ravel (with an 'R'....) piece. By whom might I find it recorded? Would like to try your experience... ;-} Angeline |
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