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Nothingness
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Nothingness |
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Moon_stone Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 11 |
The heavy rain lashes continously at the windows. Trees tall, dark struggle hard and brave the wind. Fire leaps up happily smacking dry wood. A pair of eyes stare wistfully at the iron doors. A chair at the hearth yawns lazily. Empty glasses stand majestically clear and clean. Crimson flames dance at the end of candles. A pair of ears eagerly wait for the footsteps. Minutes pass, hours pass, rain stops slowly, cold hearth. Amber turns to ashes, dying candle, dark corridors.... "Clack..Clack..." water drips regularly from the sharp edges of leaves. Tears drop, silently down to earth and absorbed. Darkness to dawn, sky turns black-gray-blue, Morning star smiles from the window glass. Early birds start chirping, flying here and there. Promises broken, a heart was left to abide the abandonment. Moon_stone [This message has been edited by Moon_stone (edited 12-10-1999).] |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
I want to preface this by letting you know that any criticism here is meant to be completely constructive. Also, I am no expert at free verse so, as to matters of free verse style, I will try to refrain from commenting at length. With that said, here goes. I liked your poem, particularly its descriptiveness. I think, though, that you could moderate your use of adverbs a little. Some of them seemed to bog down your lines. For example: In the stead of: "The rain heavily lash at the windows continuously" Try: "The heavy rain lashes continuously at the windows." By making one of the adverbs an adjective I think this line reads much better. I also think that it is good practice not to end a sentence with an adverb. Another addition you may think about making is a simple one: punctuation. Commas and periods will make this poem read much easier. "Minutes pass, hours pass, rain stops slowly, cold hearth. Amber turns to ashes, dying candle, dark corridors." and "Darkness to dawn, sky turns black, gray, blue" and "Promises broken, a heart was left to abide the abandonment." See what I mean? Is there any reason you changed the tense in the last line ("was" rather than "is"). The rest of your poem is in the present tense. Just wondering. That being said, I must say that some of your imagery is wonderful. I think the third stanza is your strongest, in my opinion. The word picture is vivid without being overpowering. I liked it. < !signature--> Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther [This message has been edited by jbouder (edited 12-09-1999).] |
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idream2dream Junior Member
since 1999-11-30
Posts 15bessemer |
just in my thoughts. it was wonderful i was taken away with you words. so vividly detailed making you want to see and to feel it.(excuse my spelling). |
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Moon_stone Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 11 |
Jim, Thank you very much for your comments on my poem. Punctuations were removed before I posted. I too felt a bit awkward at the adverbs, at the end of lines. As for the "was" at the last line, all other lines came to my mind like a picture and after that there was only emptiness to be seen and felt. So I have retained it. I feel comfortable with free verse. I don't want my thoughts or imaginations to be bounded by the rules of prose or poetry. Thank you once again for your useful comments. idream2dream, Thanks for reading the poem. You felt the same way as I did while writing that poem. Moon_stone. |
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Moon_stone Junior Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 11 |
Jim, Thank you very much for your comments on my poem. Punctuations were removed before I posted. I too felt a bit awkward at the adverbs, at the end of lines. As for the "was" at the last line, all other lines came to my mind like a picture and after that there was only emptiness to be seen and felt. So I have retained it. I feel comfortable with free verse. I don't want my thoughts or imaginations to be bounded by the rules of prose or poetry. Thank you once again for your useful comments. idream2dream, Thanks for reading the poem. You felt the same way as I did while writing that poem. Moon_stone. |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
Beautiful imagery presenting the settings for a sad, sad love story. One experiences an almost physical pain reading it. But I miss the music of rhyme and rhythm that would turn these staccato sentences into a song. This is prose, well written but not real poetry, IMHO. Try to rewrite it with more attention to sound and meter, but be very careful not to lessen its emotional impact. Difficult? Yes, but worth trying! Willem |
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