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Critical Analysis #1
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acinom
New Member
since 1999-12-08
Posts 2


0 posted 1999-12-08 07:55 PM


My love for you is like the flow of water
held within a tap.
Contained when needed and realeased
when required.

May my love quench your thirst for life
and bring new strength to you as you
drink from me.

May we share each others moments.
Leaving my love unrestrained.
For when the tap is closed, so are the
emotions that make us "we".

© Copyright 1999 acinom - All Rights Reserved
Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
1 posted 1999-12-08 08:22 PM


Well, you've got guts.  This is your first post at Passions and you post it here?  

Just curious if you read the guidelines before posting?

You have an interesting idea but some rather bizaare imagery and the last few lines seem a bit tepid for my taste.

e-mail me if you have any questions.

Brad

roxane
Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505
us
2 posted 1999-12-08 09:20 PM


welcome to passions!!  

you know what? i liked this, although i thinkthat you'll find that there are not too many romantic types in this forum, and i am only occasionally.  but i do like the idea of the tap giving life, and how it must flow.  it's a good idea.  i agree with brad about your courage, but i think you'll find that this is one of the most repsonsive forums on passions.  (unfortunately, the forum was called by one "a lion's den", although, it's not all that bad   )
anyways, i hope to be readin some more of your posts soon.

Aegis
Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28

3 posted 1999-12-08 11:44 PM


Interesting idea but un-intending to be mean, it can be reworded better in the second and third stanzas.

My ideas are:  replace the "as you drink from me" with something else.. I think that is.. one of the imagery that Brad finds bizarre.... some readers might find that distastable to their imaginations.  Not I, because I see what you are proposing to say.

I wasn't able to follow the third stanza and had a hard time understanding the meaning.  Part of this is because when you start with the first stanza, which was good imho, then transform into the second stanza, the see-saw falls off balance.  Try to make it flow more smoothly..

And yes, you have guts!!  Don't worry about the lions...  lions do two things:

they growl, they purr!  

Brad
Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705
Jejudo, South Korea
4 posted 1999-12-09 08:24 AM


Monica,
I've tried to e-mail you three times and I just can't seem to get through.  Anyway, I just wanted to say that my remark was not intended in any way to be a swipe at your poem.  Just a little worried that if you're new to poetry, we actually might discourage you from writing (and I was being a little facetious).  That is something that we never, never want to do around here.  If you have a good time, please hang around.  We can use all the help we can get.

Thanks,
Brad

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