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old woman ready to die
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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old woman ready to die |
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Thaddeus Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 78MA |
old woman ready to die. Different parts look dead. Already embalmed pale and made up rosy rouge. Lost. In her own world. Fall. Emotion dropping like spent leaves. More brown than Red, orange, green, yellow. Small rages. A hand Grasping. Tight and strong. There is life in her withered limbs. Unhappy life though it is. A leaf tumbling across The pavement. young men on wheels. Spinning. Intense. Screeching. Gathering speed and tumbling. Up again. Silently Determined. Riding the ridge of a curb. Springing up. Balanced. Pushing off. Racing. Turning. Jumping. Rushing through leaves piled against the curb. Another turn and off the board. young men at peace with what is there. At peace with every fall and scrape. At peace with structures, barriers, concrete and earth. old woman with mind made up. It has to be Returned. It doesn’t Fit. - inside she softly cries I don’t fit I have to be returned Let me go. That’s harsh says the boy on wheels. Make it higher, he calls to another, Give me a greater challenge. Ready to glide’n’jump; ready to sprawl. And get back up In glory. |
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| © Copyright 1999 Thaddeus M. Figlock - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
My first suggestion would be to change the title. Now, I don't think it accurately reflects the poem. You've got an interesting juxtaposition going here but it seems waiting for some development. At the moment, it seems like a youth/age thing where the youth comes out as strength. If you've meant that ironically, it doesn't quite come out yet. You've used a lot of adjectives to tell us about roller blading but the poem itself doesn't show us how that feels -- nor do you adequately show the parallel between the old lady and the skater. Both, in a certain sense, are on a quest for death, are they not? Try to clarify that a bit more. Overall, I think the poem could do with a bit more complexity as to the motivation of the characters. I think 'Fall' as a title would work and then you can play with the uses and misuses of that word or at least bring that out more. Am I missing something? Brad |
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Thaddeus Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 78MA |
No, Brad, they are not both on a quest for death - the old woman is waiting for death, she is not proactive, she is passively ready - she can not face and meet her obstacles, the young man is not on a quest for death, he embraces the barriers, the obstacles - he doesn't fear or want death, he doesn't fear life either. I like your thoughts on the title - Fall has a lot to do with the poem. I just used the first line as the title, I don't have any particular need to use that to name the piece. The poem is inspired and about an old woman ready to die. In a full picture of the woman, you'd learn she was ready to die for a long time, not at peace "ready to die," but resigned not to live. What skateboarders call harsh they are impressed by. They value the Fall, if someone falls, he has attempted something impressive and difficult. The old woman of the poem found most of life a hardship, without merit to facing and matching the barriers. It is not that she is weaker than the youth, but her power is just spent grasping her dissapointment, the death that will not come. The skateboarders are supposed to be a counterpoint or foil to the old woman. She is the focus of the poem. She waits, totally discouraged, as they rush into life - not with particular emotions, but with zeal. The skateboarders are more of a frame of comparison. Thanks for your comments, I will flush this out more. I do like understatement and I still like the briefness of the poem - I think it is a better read than a much longer poem would be. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi. First let me say I really like the style of this piece - the brevity of its sentences work very well with the content. And I can see the clear delineation between the skaters and the woman. I'm not sure if you intended this, but I find that the section about leaves reinforces the aspect that she is in the winter of her life - past the Fall and this metaphorical image links with the one of wishing to die. It in some ways echoes the fall of man as well - so there is a strong combining of three metaphorical contexts. And I agree wholeheartedly with Brad - the title would be great as Fall. One thing I found that jarred the piece a little was the placing of the initial capitals. Again, that may have been intention on your part. Also, punctuation. The commas in the last section soften the impact a little. I think as the ending part it deserves to sum up the harshness and by removing the commas and restructuring it a bit, the impact would be very strong - and final. Separating 'In glory' from the piece so it stands alone would give the poem an ending edge - reflecting both the glory of the freedom of skating and the glory found in death. Hope that made some kind of sense! Severn. |
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Willem Member
since 1999-11-18
Posts 139Inverness, FL, USA |
If we talk about a juxtaposition, of which this poem is an extreme example, we usually think of a somwhat balanced system. There is no such balance here. The skaters dominate the picture with their macho acts, feelings and appareances. On the other hand, the person of the old woman is only scantily described, and then in a very negative way. I'm only a man  but I think any old womandeserves to be described with more respect than what this one gets here... |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
while i can appreciate the contrast of images here, and the effect taht are supposed to bring out, isn't this poem in a way like a eulogy for the dying woman, an acceptance, even? i feel like that should be given more attention that the skateboarders. also, (brad said this once to me, and i must admit that i didn't take him seriously) i think that you treat death a little too casually. i think the old woman and fall of the leaves and such should be the dominant image, with perhaps a child approaching her, hinting subtly to the spring of youth. the solemn gentleness that seems to be this woman's death is imposed upon by the skateboarders. (another thing- a pop culture image in a poem about accepting age and death- it doesn't seem to fit) when you write "rushing through leaves piled up against a corner", it almost shows how these youths are perverting this moment, this sacred moment. i think that if you want to explore this old woman's death along side the immortality of youth, the age and death should be more dominant. otherwise, you have a good strong beginning here, although i think it make be better as two poems: one about the old woman, one about the skateboarders. just opinion. |
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Thaddeus Member
since 1999-11-16
Posts 78MA |
I thank you all for your input. This is great getting such varied thoughts and reflection on my poem. Severn - you have given me a lot to consider. I wasn't really thinking of working in the Fall of man and I'm not sure what you meant about the placing of the initial capitals. I start without the cap. O because I want to echo how small I think the old woman feels in "old woman ready to die" Willem - I mean no disrespect to the "old woman." I gave close to the same amount of lines to the old woman as I did the young men. I also want to emphasize her lonliness and lack of harmony with her world. The skateboarder, to me, are not macho or daredevils, but they are one with what they are doing, the risks and the hurt and the joy of being actively part of something, where saddly this woman does not fit in, maybe has not fit in since she was very young. I know I do describe her in a negative way, but its not that I don't love this woman, it's that she embraced only a leaving, and not a be-ing. I believe you have challenged me to show something more of her. Roxane - this poem is in sort a eulogy, but not an acceptance of her death. I feel she trivializes her death, by being ready for so long, she becomes the leaves the skateboarders breeze through more than they are the ones intruding on her significance. This woman makes death casual. I am not really looking to the immortality of youth.. I hope this skateboarder, as an old man, grasps some type of challenge and confronts and beats some type of barrier. I do think pop culture has a place in our language and communication it can give many startling visuals and contains hints of the universal images. I could, and may, try making two poems out of this, but if I divorce the woman and the young men, I can't say anything near the same message as I intended or hoped for. You too have challenged me to better draw my subjects. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
OK - I shall elaborate for you! Initial caps: I wasn't referring specifically to the first 'o'. (Although that is a great reason). I think what I should have said was capitals at the start of lines - sorry! For example: The first section is fine for caps at the beginning of lines and you flow through with sentences in most places, but on odd occasions you deviate from this. EG: 'It has to be Returned' Not sure if this was intention on your part, because it definitely distorts the flow. The Fall - it is quite surprising when someone picks up something you didn't at all intend to include isn't it?! But then that can be part of the joy of poetry - the discovery others have. I think it is excellent when a poem can hold multiple meanings, depending on a reader's perception. I was looking at the piece from all angles; the Fall metaphor wasn't my own interpretation - just one I could see arising. K |
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