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A New Tomorrow
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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A New Tomorrow |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
The clouds of midsummer are heavy on my heart, Pulse after pulse I dream of vanquishing time, The shadow clings to my eyes, the oceans have fallen a thousand oceans have fallen upon me; formless, soulless, an observor roams the earth it sees only white and black, without any colors, as soon as the wind comes, it is gone, the color of life is a forgotten color; deep blue as true sky, red as a rose, yellow as sunflower, thus put together, all the colors are a rainbow; the rain falls, the rainbow appears, and once I saw three rainbows at once; it is a form of beauty to me, now where's the rainbow in life? The winds sing in my ears, only in memory, I feel the wind, but no love comes, I smell the strawberries, but no love comes, I taste the water, but no love comes, I see the evening stars, but no love comes, I hear my memories, but no love comes- I have forgotten since the sun set. Where has my laughter gone, where is my smile, the ones that were glad, the ones that cared, how did I forget to say, "tis just another day that goes by", when I knew that tomorrow would be a new day? Where is the new tomorrow? I must away. ------------------ I looked at the stars gleaming like the waters, and on the ground I laid, looking upwards at the stellar skies-- black as darkness in the forest, clear as water, aching as memories! |
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| © Copyright 1999 Aegis - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Aegis, Thanks very much for posting this. I have this horrible compulsion to steal another well used phrase from one of our guiding stars (heh heh), I have valiantly resisted for weeks but can no longer ......................... "this poem has some great moments" ..... there I've done it. Apologies Aegis I'm aware you probably haven't the foggiest idea what I've been rambling about .. seriously tho I thought there were indeed some "great moments" in this especially in the opening lines. "pulse after pulse I dream of vanquishing time" "shadow clings to my eyes" I have to admit though that by the middle of the piece I felt rather like I was wallowing around a little. The form of the poem and the repetition I felt did not help, I was being hit by a continuous stream of images and ideas which had sort of loose links but nothing to really hold on to: rainbows, wind, rain, strawberries,water, stars, memories. also phrases such as "red as a rose" and "formless, souless" have been used to the point of becoming cliche, and I think it a shame to resort to them when you so obviously are capable of generating new and original similies. None of the above is meant negatively, please please carry on writing and posting I really look forward to seeing some more in the vein of your opening which was memorable  ...... Philip |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
Philip, Thanks a thousand times over. That has made my day, along with PinP's forum changes, and the snow which just fell.. coincidence with this new smilie  .I tend to write based on my mood of the moment,... this poem was written on the idea that computers were taking me from the real world, where there are a million canyons and fascinating sights that I'm missing out on. My friend states so concisely.... I used to look forward to the night, then forward to the stars, and each new day as it dawned on me, Another challenge to conquer, another day to play. And now I the future dread, The stars I have not seen, their beautaeus twinkle upon the soul, the computer has blown far away That summarizes it (the setting). I will try to change the poem now, to see if it comes out any better. The feedback is greatly appreciated. --------------------------------------------- The clouds of midsummer are heavy on my heart, Pulse after pulse I dream of vanquishing time, The shadow clings to my eyes, the oceans have fallen a thousand oceans have fallen upon me; from the depths, a ghostly wind with no face, passes overhead the ground, without meaning, the wind spreads over the colors, sucking the life of the beauty, robbing them of innocence, turning the day black and white, without any colors, and as soon as it has come, it is gone. At dawn, rivers and streams influx into sky, deep blue as crystal, crimson as true tears, gold as the sun's wheat, all full of life, and from a waterfall mist, a rainbow rises; in it, many colors glow like sunrays, symbolic of beauty, of life's morning. As the black wind robs the colors, life's colors become a forgotten color, the rainbow in life is shunned…. The winds sing in my ears, only in memory, I feel the wind, but no love comes, I smell the strawberries, but no love comes, I taste the water, but no love comes, I see the evening stars, but no love comes, I hear my memories, but no love comes- Where has my laughter gone, where is my smile, the ones that were glad, the ones that cared, how did I forget to say, "tis just another day that goes by", when I knew that tomorrow would be a new day? Where is the new tomorrow? I must away. --------------------------------------------- I feel a lack of completeness in this, but I had to rush because I am leaving in a hour. Is this better? The criticism will only help me grow as a poet. |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Aegis .. Now it's my turn to be flattered no-one has ever changed a poem becoz of anything I said before LOL. I've been having real problems with the new URL so I ran out of time tonight to look at what you've done - be back to it tomorrow I promise ..Philip |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Aegis, I have a had a quick look at this tonight and because I am pressed for time I've printed both versions to look at later. Meanwhile the immediate thing that hits me is that I prefer the separated stanzas and the whole poem reads more easily. More tomorrow. Philip |
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acinom New Member
since 1999-12-08
Posts 2 |
Since I am all new to this. I'm not sure what to write. But your poem invoked feelings in me and allowed me to imagine life through someone elses eyes. If for only a brief moment, to also feel someone elses feelings. For me poetry is an experience, an adventure, a realization and many other things and your poem has these qualities that I appreciate. So simply I am saying that I enjoyed your poem. I hope I make sense. Regards Monica |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
Philip, Welcome to the Critical Analysis forum! (j/k) that's why I changed my poem after you gave me some new ideas! Oh, separate stanzas... that's a tough one becuz ppl like them cut up at times, and put together at others. I do both. Both works. Just let me know what you prefer and I'll keep changing it until you like it 100%, but I'll see what you come up with in the next post. (one more thing Philip, I think that the 3rd stanza is too short, and between the 3rd & 4th stanza, it's choppy) Monica, my friend, Now that's pretty true! Yeah, you were just enlisting what you found to be the high points of reading the poem....... I probably will commit a sin by saying this, but I enjoy reading my own poems over and over because it's like I'm seeing through someone else's eyes. On the serious hand, it seems that most writers try to get the reader to see behind their eyes. You just told me that it worked in this one. Many regards. [This message has been edited by Aegis (edited 12-08-1999).] |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Aegis, First of all I have to say I am not the person to be listening to on a critique of blank or free verse I am not skilled at it at all ... there are plenty in this forum who are though . Bear that health warning in mind (lol) when you read this please.Firstly, as I said yesterday I certainly preferred the poem with some breaks in it - I feel less swamped now, and your explanations helped. However I see that you intend this to be a poem about the way in which the computer age (or just your computer) has robbed you of contact with real life? Are you trying to say that you now see the world through the filter of your computer screen which sieves out all the vibrant life and colour of the world? If so, I feel this is a good theme and in your revised version the metaphor of a bleak wind passing over the world draining the colour from it is a lot clearer and more powerful. I thought that this was the strongest element of the poem. Two things occur to me though - why the title "A new Tomorrow"? I am unclear as to whether this refers to a hope that tomorrow will bring better things or whether it is a kind of ironic reference (as in "Brave New World") to the type of world you now live in. Also without your explanation I would never have guessed that the invasiveness of computers is the "black wind", and maybe you should change the Title to draw out this theme? I can't really say much more about the first stanza which I like a lot. Perhaps the phrase "without meaning" seems a little odd, I can't at first sight see what it adds to the line? Maybe that's just me though. The second stanza paints nice images, very nice actually, but I was unclear as to how it meshed into the rest of the poem? At the end of the first stanza we have the wind passing over and denuding the earth of life and colour, and the third stanza seems to naturally sum up the position before the final laments in the final stanza. The second stanza seems a rather out of place intervention in the structure of the piece. Perhaps you could explain your thinking on this? Actually I liked the brevity of the third stanza. By standing alone it sort of serves to emphasise the horror of the wind. I wasn't too keen on >"life's colours become a forgotten colour" I thought this was an unnecessary line and too many colours. Also I actually preferred the earlier version of the rainbow line, it was simple and powerful which is what I think you need in this short stanza. Maybe just: "The black wind robs the colours. Now, where is the rainbow in life?" Finally I like the sound and feel of the final stanza but I have to say that the last four lines are a mystery to me .. lol . I'm sure I'm missing something thought? Philip |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
BRB! I have to stall this because I have to head out the door, but when I get back, I will answer it. (edit) I had to help my sister with the other computer after I got back, and I have to let her use my computer since the other one isn't working. Guess I'll write tomorrow. (/edit) [This message has been edited by Aegis (edited 12-10-1999).] |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
I can't believe it... I took too long... your patience must've been wearing out....... or NOT!  Ok, I have no real place to start from, so I will tell you that the black wind wasn't an original idea of mine. It was something I picked out of Robert Jordan's books, and the name of the black wind is Machin Shin- the black wind that steals souls. Machin Shin dwelt in the waygates, which is like a warp gate where people walk and subtract days from journeys, but it's very dark in there and dimensions twist and work in different ways. For instance, people walked in there, and they saw that where they came ended up over their head! But.. Machin Shin roamed the waygates alone, singing... Flesh so fine, so fine to tear, to gash the skin; skin to strip, to plait, so nice to plait the strips, so nice, so red the drops that fall; blood so red, so red, so sweet; sweet screams, pretty screams, singing screams, scream your song, sing your screams. . . . What happens then is, Machin Shin when it finds the victim, sucks the life out of the body, and leaves the victim without soul. He will never enjoy life again. He will walk endless days with no mind, no intelligence, just no soul. Therefore.... I found the idea useful as input. No, I'm not saying that I see the world through the filter of the computer screen. But I am disappointed to say that I wrote based on a computer addiction.... I stood looking at the people after years, I had learned all I would ever need to know about computers, knew how to fix bugs, knew how to use Regedit, even knew programming..... *sigh* then.... I couldn't enjoy the things I used to do. I couldn't enjoy shoveling snow... talking to people became difficult because I couldn't come up with anything to say. I used to all the time. It still happens. Life was robbed of the colors (enjoyment, fulfillment, experiences) by my life on the computer, which would peak at 20 hours certain days. I had too much fascination in playing online games, computer tech stuff, that kinda thing. I think the title "A New Tomorrow" is fitting ------ because suppose you were in a cave where there was no light for over two years, and you come out of it to find that the sun bothers your eyes, hurts because it's so bright... and in a way, you are starting a new life. By doing things outside the cave. In a way, the cave relates to the computer. Is that understandable? And you used coloir! Here in the U.S. we spell it color. "Without meaning" would be similar to without sense of direction. Ok, I think that my thoughts are wandering off the subject tonight. I'm tired, I'm ready for a new tomorrow... so why don't I say good night, and hear your further thoughts (if any) later. Oh yeah, and this is the icing part, but a new tomorrow is the way a child sees the next day. There's always something exciting ahead, something they look forward to. The very reason they don't sleep for long. I need something to look forward to, to make tomorrow a meaningful day. Therefore..... a new tomorrow. Puzzle solved. I looked at the stars gleaming like the waters, and on the ground I laid, looking upwards at the stellar skies-- black as darkness in the forest, clear as water, aching as memories! |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
Bad, bad typo .. colour, not coloir! |
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Athas Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 24Edinburgh, Scotland |
I really like this poem. May I keep a copy? Please. I don't know what more to say really. |
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Aegis Junior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 28 |
Well, if you want a copy, then go ahead, feel free.... although I sincerely believe that it could have turned out better.... [This message has been edited by Aegis (edited 12-12-1999).] |
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