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Jazzman
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Jazzman |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
I'd appreciate any comments/criticisms. **jerome the boy with no brain Jazzman I hear the sweet tunes from the tenor sax And I am transported back to Jackson Square Where the jazzman wept his mournful song Among all the broken-down folk who live there Beads of sweat stood on his feverish face As with a reed to his lips, foot tapping the ground, He bellowed his soul into midnight air -- Lifting the spirits of those gathered 'round Now, I don't know from what land the jazzman comes Or by what chance of fate he came there But I know of the grief that is in his heart As he blows in the muggy night air The melody flows and dances around AS the saxophone notes drift away And reach up to the ears of the Heavenly Host And they all sing along as he plays -- "O great Lord on high, we beseach thee -- "Bestow peace on this wearied old soul!" And the jazzman serenely plays on in the night As the prayerful songs of the angels toll And I recognize in the old man's eyes A peace that comes but from Heaven above And I know that he hears the angel's song -- As he serenades the world with his song of love |
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| © Copyright 1999 Jerome Solomon - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
PK, Thanks for pointing me to this  .I have conflicting reactions to this poem. i like the "atmosphere" you create. The picture is very very clear of an old man and a sax in the night square of the homeless. This was a great image and "carried" the poem. The form of the poem was also easy for me to follow (I can cope with these simple structures lol). It struck me that maybe the meter of a few of the lines could be improved by the removal or addition of the odd syllable, but I am no technician (yet) and I tend to do these things "by ear" so i could be wrong ! Most of all though I thought that while some of the imagery was excellent, some has been perhaps a little overused before. Examples: "bellowed his soul" ... I don't usually like the word soul but with the word bellowed it was great. "muggy night air" - I've seen too many times before. "ears of the Heavenly Host" I positively did not like. "melody flows and dances around" I did. Overall a comfortably mournful poem .. which I'm sure is what you intended. ...... that's what I think anyway .. Philip |
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Kenneth Ray Taylor Member
since 1999-11-11
Posts 139Duluth, Minnesota, USA |
Jerome, I'm quite impressed with your poem. It flows well and creates a vivid image. The line I found hardest to read was the one that began "Now,...." I think it reads better if the word "now" is simply omitted. One technique I find useful is to rewrite the poem from memory. Often the second version will contain subtle differences and point the way to smoothing out the meter. (Of course, a certain degree of irregularity in meter can be useful for avoiding monotony and sing-songyness.) All in all a very good poem. |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
Hi, I like this overall but have a few suggestions. 1st verse - the tenses seem a little odd here. I would perhaps change 'wept' to weeps as it keeps it in the same tense as 'live' and also adds to the effect of being transported. 2nd stanza - good. I actually like 'bellowed his soul' because soul seems to fit with jazz and reaffirms the imagery. 3rd - Not too sure of the 'comes' and the 'came'. I might be inclined to put 'came' in the first line as 'comes' is in the present and as he has already arrived it seems out of place. The second line could then become something like 'or what chance of fate brought him there'. 4th - The length of the verse has changed and seems to lose a little of its flow. To counter this I suggest changing 'around' to 'round and shortening 'reach up to the ears of the heavenly Host' to 'reach up to the Heavenly Host'. 5th - like this very much, although 'beseach' is spelled beseech. 6th - not sure of the 'but'. I love the last two lines.  K[This message has been edited by Severn (edited 12-06-1999).] |
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poetry_kills Senior Member
since 1999-12-04
Posts 549new orleans |
just wanted to thank everyone for your suggestions i've made a few modifications and i'm still thinking about a few lines and how i might change them in keeping with the verse form... sincerely, **jerome the boy with no brain |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I enjoyed the first three stanzas and I like the fact that you have movement in the poem but it seems almost as if the speaker's prayer is what caused the jazz player to be happy. I think you need to develop that a bit more. Personally, I would play down the spiritual aspects of this poem and shoot for a more existentialist moment of bonding between two people or something like that. That, of course, may just be personal preference. Brad |
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