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I Remember
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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I Remember |
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jarid New Member
since 1999-11-28
Posts 7Fulton,NY USA |
I remember better days Greener pastures, faster ways Longer summers, greater fun Happier winters, a brighter sun Lovelier flowers, bigger trees Better playgrounds with higher swings A whole wide world filled with mystery Friendlier people with their minds at ease A greater innocents to everything When words of hurt didn't leave quite a sting The best shower was a downpour of rain Your parents leaving was the greatest pain The joy of learning everything new Not worrying if you dont kow exactly what to do Living for the present, not regretting the past Unworried about the future It didn't matter if you came in last When mud puddles were playgrounds And tree houses were forts When hide and seek was played every night Ang problems were solved without any fights Long windy days flying my kite Sleeping at night with one eye on the light |
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| © Copyright 1999 jarid - All Rights Reserved | |||
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starboards Member
since 1999-10-14
Posts 467longwood, florida |
Aww! what memories this brings!! i can just see me playing in those mudd puddles...good job!! |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
i liked this. you seemed to have captured the childhood experience and you didn't leave much out. the last line is great. the only thing taht you could work on is towards the end when you change the rhyme scheme. otherwise, good job.  |
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jbouder Member Elite
since 1999-09-18
Posts 2534Whole Sort Of Genl Mish Mash |
Jarid: I like the memories that your poem evokes. I suggest that you read the poem aloud to yourself, though. I think you will notice some of the same things I did. Some comments: "I remember better days Greener pastures, faster ways Longer summers, greater fun Happ[y] winters, a brighter sun" Up until this point your poem flows beautifully. The next four lines seem to be a bit of a speedbump, though. "Lovelier flowers, bigger trees Better playgrounds with higher swings A whole wide world filled with mystery Friendlier people with their minds at ease" Maybe by moving the fourth line to the second (preserving the rhyme scheme) and changing the "mystery" line to: "A wide world filled with mysterious things." Just a thought. Then: "A greater innocents to everything When words of hurt didn't leave quite a sting The best shower was a downpour of rain Your parents leaving was the greatest pain" I think you meant "innocense" in line one. Line two doesn't seem to flow when read aloud. Some rewording will fix that easily enough. I would leave the third and fourth lines intact. "The joy of learning everything new Not worrying if you dont kow exactly what to do Living for the present, not regretting the past Unworried about the future" I like line one. The second line breaks up the flow. I stumbled over "if you don't know exactly what to do". Trying to rhyme the lines three and four would be helpful too. "It didn't matter if you came in last When mud puddles were playgrounds And tree houses were forts" These three lines seemed a little awkward. "When hide and seek was played every night And problems were solved without any fights Long windy days flying my kite Sleeping at night with one eye on the light." I really like how you rapped things up. I wouldn't change a thing here. All in all I think this is a very nice poem. Just needs a little tweaking here and there. ------------------ Jim "If I rest, I rust." -Martin Luther |
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