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Marina (revised)
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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Marina (revised) |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
And her soft caress, in some strange way, is there beside me. To keep lone watch of faith in love, of eyes unseen-pure, with earnest rings of promise. Sigh no more my lady fair, And bind your soul with mine. Though lifes road was ever ungentle and mean, had I chosen other paths, your eastern light would never be mine. Thus, lights flow smoothly to their meeting, and link us heart in heart. As I crush love's poppies, the sweet mystery of your promised kiss, of spirits hand in hand, I sing, lest your roses fade. But while I yet live, I will speak of them. ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
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| © Copyright 1999 captaincargo - All Rights Reserved | |||
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
well capt, i like this one even more. i suggest that you title it in such a way that people will know that you've revised it. this is so good, i really like the lines that you've added  |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
Roxane, Thank you for the kind words. I would've updated the title except that I don't know how. ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
I went ahead and added 'revised' to the title. I hope that satisfies everybody (and they don't think you've posted the same poem twice). I certainly appreciate the revision and work you've put into this poem and one line I found particularly attractive -- 'as I crush love's poppies' but I still wonder if you're a bit bitten with the poetic bug (on the other hand, I enjoyed the coffee table poem and will give a few suggestions on that one later). For the record, I think a serious, melodramatic exclamation of love is the hardest poem to write in 1999. There are just so many of them out there that you are bound to say things that have been said before. One trick to get away from this is avoid actual declarations of love and/or the spiritual connection and concentrate on the specific relationship itself. I'm not saying don't write a poem like this one but try to imagine what people who do not know you're situation will react. Try to see someone who reads poems everyday reading this one and wondering how this is different. Personally, I will say that there is a certain strength to it but that strength is hampered by some of the awkward phrasing 'my lady fair' and 'eyes unseen-pure' that sound like your still attempting a poem from a different century (yes, I've read the other one and Roxane is correct; this one is better.) 'roses' 'souls' 'heart in heart' and 'hand in hand' -- have all been used far too much to be very effective here. Get into the specific detail of the relationship or the person and you will start to have a more effective piece. Just an opinion, Brad |
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captaincargo Member
since 1999-11-25
Posts 109Corning, N.Y. U.S.A. |
My god, finally some criticsm. Brad thank you so much, and I will try and heed your advice. This is new to me as I usually stick to writing fiction. Thanks again. ------------------ Cap. Carg. |
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