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that mother-daughter bond
| Critical Analysis #1 |
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that mother-daughter bond |
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roxane Senior Member
since 1999-09-02
Posts 505us |
a chair of still born babies piled up on top each other with fabric arm and plastic head and human flesh as mother thrown and tossed by violent hands all in a happy game they're told now cast away by their tormentors as they grown up and grown old eyelids down in perpetual sleep in shambles of tattered clothes uncomfortably stacked like so many books but with cheeks of blush and rose "good thing you're not a mother." my own mother says with a sneer "your babies sit in an old wicker chair one that you seldom come near." "at least my babies are dolls," i turn and say as to reply "sitting there for now 5 years you've left them to surely die." and so for my mother's hypocrisy i curtly show her to the door. "good thing you're not my mother," i say, "at least not anymore." anyone who would like to help me with this, please do. it's another that i'm considering sending in to enter that writer's program. please help!!!  ------------------ "Come night, come darkness, for you cannot come too soon or stay too long in such a place as this." Charles Dickens roxane |
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| © Copyright 1999 roxane - All Rights Reserved | |||
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Lost for words (temporarily LOL) in admiration. Philip |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Well I still think this is one of your best Roxane ... who can forget a line like .. "a chair of still born babies" maybe there are only people out there who have known happy relationships with their mothers, but I know well the sentiments you write about .. and you do it well and accurately. This is a sad poem, but oh so truthful ..... Philip |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
Humphhh One last try .. maybe this is the sort of poem that people would prefer to pretend isn't there Roxane .. I feel like I'm talking to myself ...  P |
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Brad Member Ascendant
since 1999-08-20
Posts 5705Jejudo, South Korea |
Okay, okay already. Geez, can't a guy get some sleep around here? You know, some of us work for a living (at least until Ron becomes rich and decides to pay his moderators)  . Actually, I think it's great that you're taking the time with another person's poem like this. If this isn't support, then what is?Now, to the poem: a chair of still born babies --an immediately powerful and conflicting image; unfortunately, it may also be a turn off to some readers who see poetry in a slightly different light than myself (and a lot of other people here). However, this live sets up the rest of the poem with the idea of 'still to be born babies'. piled up on top each other with fabric arm and plastic head --okay, now we know what you're talking about and human flesh as mother --a reader is thrown off a bit here because the immediate uncomfortable image returns with the idea that humans are somehow tied up or glued together with the dolls. thrown and tossed by violent hands --I'm jumping a little bit here but it seems to be you're juxtaposing the dolls' situation with the speaker's own: the parallel of child abuse while not immediately clear, to me anyway, comes back to echo the later parts of the poem. I originally thought you might want some punctuation here but I've changed my mind. all in a happy game they're told now cast away by their tormentors --the justification; the self delusion of the mother as they grown up and grown old eyelids down in perpetual sleep in shambles of tattered clothes --okay, here seems a bit of a struggle; the 'eyelids down in perpetual sleep' obviously refers to the dolls but seems hard to place with the human part of the poem. It is possible to see the perpetual sleep as living death or as some sort of personal defense mechanism -- a wall if you will -- but I think this still seems a bit strained. uncomfortably stacked like so many books --unless you're talking about more than one child and the rest of the poem seems to indicate you are, this line definitely needs to be reworked in order to keep the double play going. but with cheeks of blush and rose --okay,but I wonder if this description needs just a bit more punch to keep the theme going. "good thing you're not a mother." my own mother says with a sneer "your babies sit in an old wicker chair one that you seldom come near." --I would think about a new stanza here. It's a bit disconcerting and I'm not sure about the rhyme here. Don't let the rhyme scheme take over your poem here. How about rhyming the dialogue parts and leaving the rest unrhymed? "at least my babies are dolls," i turn and say as to reply "sitting there for now 5 years you've left them to surely die." --this seems a bit awkward to me. Perhaps because of the rhyme? and so for my mother's hypocrisy i curtly show her to the door. "good thing you're not my mother," i say, "at least not anymore." --It's a powerful ending but somehow seems a bit vague to me. How does a mother not be a mother anymore? Definitely think you can expand this one and make that idea clearer. All in all, it is a powerful poem with some vague or slightly off putting moments (or I just don't understand those moments). Also, I find it hard to catch the rhythm on this one and a brief scansion shows me that the meter needs to be reworked as well: 'with fabric arm and plastic head' would make a nice base line (or better, just drop the rhyme). Just an opinion, Brad PS Happy NOW, Phil? |
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Poertree Senior Member
since 1999-11-05
Posts 1359UK |
a veritable star you are Brad  ... yes I am happy now apart from the very last word of your post. How would you like someone to come along and lop off the last letter from your name ... HEH HEH only kidding  .and thanks very much for taking the time with this PS you owe me one Roxane |
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Severn Member Rara Avis
since 1999-07-17
Posts 7704 |
I am really impressed with the theme of this, Roxane. You have some powerful lines and phrases like: 'mother's hypocrisy' 'shambles of tattered clothes' I like those! My few suggestions might include breaking it down into a few stanzas - giving the reader time to consolidate the impressions. There is a lot to take in here! In fact you could play with the formatting. I might even let the first line stand alone - it is brilliant and shocking; it instantly drew me in. I am a freeverse poet but to my untrained rhyming eye , some lines do appear a little strained. But I think Brad has covered those well.I feel that in the line: "good thing you're not a mother" my own mother says with a sneer You could drop the 'own' - it seems to add a little extra impact. Well, I really like this, Roxane. K |
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